10 Lies Every Woman Tells When She's Drunk

1. "I can't believe we've never hung out! I've always loved you so much from afar." You and Amanda are bonding, kind of. It's great that she's really focusing on her English major too and also is just really ready to just grow up already, just like you. But also you remember that you and Amanda never hung out soberly after every single other time you drunk bonded. A drunk night with Amanda it is!

2. "Let's go to da club, I love da club." Literally there is nothing worse than da club. But sure, let's go to da club and drink iced-down vodka sodas with a splash of cranberry juice and yell at each other to dance in a circle to avoid creepers! "Da couch," you think mournfully as you leave your apartment with Amanda and your 11 BFFs, "I love da couch."

3. "OMG, no, I am having the best time. I am so glad we decided to go out, because this is so fun. THIS IS SO FUN!" You drink your disgusting drink really fast because it's really disgusting but also because you cannot handle being in da club. "Guys! This is totally the funnest, but how much longer do you think we're gonna stay here?" you ask while half-heartedly Wobble-ing. You still miss da couch.

4. "You should totally make out with him, he's super cute." The Fireball shots are probably clouding Amanda's judgment, but he's maybe kinda cute in a "I reallyreallyreally wanted to make out with a tall man tonight" way? You give up. Friends don't cock-block drunk friends on a makeout mission. Proceed, Amanda.

5. "I am just done with men forever." You know what? You and Amanda are done with dudes. Seriously! Just, like, done. Except maybe not Michael. Michael actually was super cute and really nice, and also he's been texting you. OK, fine, done with all boys except maybe Michael. And Brad, maybe. You'll see.

6. "Ugh, I wish I were in a relationship. You and your boyfriend are amaaazing." Guess what lucky guy is waiting for you when you get home? His name is Pizza and he's fucking delicious, and Alana's boyfriend is a troll who still doesn't know your name even though you've met seven times. "I know it's just because I haven't found the right person for me yet, but how do you guys do it?!" You don't actually care. Mmm, pizza.

7. "You should just enjoy your singleness. I wish I were single like you." You and Alana both know these words are a lie as they are leaving her mouth, because you both know she is totally obsessed with her boyfriend and it's astonishing that she came out tonight at all. "I totally get what you're saying about wanting a boyfriend, but you should just enjoy being on your own," she says. Bye, Alana.

8. "I love you so, so much. We will literally always be friends." You cling to Amanda in the sticky third bathroom stall of O'Reilly's, imagining your life after college. Remember how you never speak to Amanda when you're sober? You know very well this fact presents a major problem in your BFF proposition. Oh well, that's a problem for Future You to deal with.

9. "I'm not that drunk!!! I'm really not that drunk." You just stumbled because you tripped over your shoe that you took off, you can totally stand up. In fact, you're so awake because of your six Sex on the Beaches. "It's like I've surpassed my drunk, you know? I'm so drunk that I'm basically sober. Seriously, Amanda, leave me alone. I'm fine."

10." I just want to go home and pass out, you know?" What you actually want to do is go sneak off to hook up with Michael, who you've secretly been texting all night. Or he can come find you, dammit. Or you can go find pizza. Pizza <3.

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11 Drunk Conversations Every Woman Has Had

1. "No, I don't hate you! I seriously never hated you! Why would you ever think that?!" Literally I have never hated you once, Rebecca. I just kind of thought you were kind of a bitch because you said something snotty in our sociology class three years ago, but actually I love you." No one understands you like Rebecca does. She's even on her fourth amaretto sour too. You're so glad Ashley brought her out tonight. Is Rebecca your soul mate? "Rebecca, you are, like, my fucking spirit animal."

2. "Yes, OMG, can we please hang out soon? Why did we not hang out the last time we made plans?!" Even through your booze-induced haze, you know in your heart that you don't want to get dinner with Rebecca. While grabbing her phone aggressively to text yourself so now she has your number and you guys have "seriously noooOo excuses this time," you plot ways to get out of your date.

3. "Boys are so dumb, OMFG." Effing Pete. He ruins everything. You were having this amazing bonding sesh with Rebecca in the corner, and you, like, never get to talk to Rebecca, and Effing Pete just needed to interrupt you because that stupid Avicii song came on. Can he maybe fist-pump on his own? You don't have time to pretend to enjoy fist-pumping with him; you are talking to Rebecca.

4. *Cries. Just cries.* No reason. Maybe there is a reason. You don't remember.

5. "I just want to go to a place where there are no creepers." Also, more alcohol. Rebecca says she knows this place that is minimally creepy and also has amazing music. That sounds perfect; let's go there. After this song, though.

6. "Should we take a shot?" Literally, you cannot remember the last time you took a shot because shots are disgusting, but, honestly, you really feel like you could just take shots right now, you know? Shots! Shots! OK, these shots are disgusting. Maybe you can throw yours out when no one is looking. "Did you really just down that?! Ew! Shots!"

7. "I just made out with him. Is he cute? I can't even tell." He maybe looks kinda cute? Like, does he look like Justin Timberlake circa 2001? Or Justin Timberlake circa now? All you know is now he is in your phone as JT DA CLUB. "Seriously, Rebecca, could you pay attention for one minute. I need help!"

8. "Why are you single? You are soooo great." Seriously, you have the most amazing friends and job and apartment in the world and also you are incredible. "Why are you single? Rebecca, you are amazing. There are so many guys who want you. No, you're more amazing." You earnestly debate the pros and cons of the Single Lady Life.

9. "I have never had to pee so badly in my life." The line is sooo long. Where are you going to pee? Where are you going to pee? You can't pee here, it's disgusting. Do you think we should sneak into that less creepy place across the street? OK, you can hold for one more minute and then that's it. OK, we have to go now. You made it, barely. Kinda hard to squat with Rebecca and Ashley in the stall with you, but you persevere.

10. "I love you. I love you so fucking much, I just need you to know that you're my best friend. I know I was taking shots and dancing with Rebecca half the night, but Ashley, you are my BFF and I love you. I love you more than my mom. Let's never hang out with Rebecca again. Promise me nothing will ever change. No, I love you more. I love you the most."

11. "Is there pizza here? Where is the nearest pizza?" Pizzzzzzaaaaaaaa. I love pizza more than you, Ashley.

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A Definitive Ranking of Every Remotely Attractive Guy From <i>The O.C.</i>

25. Oliver Trask. Oh, God. Oliver. Even Trey Atwood (who was so skeevy that Marissa shot him) could not hit the extremely high bar of creepiness that Oliver set in season one. Did he even GO to therapy in that office, or had he been stalking Marissa from afar all along? His maniacal grin will haunt your waking nightmares forever.

24. Trey Atwood. An ex-con, an attempted rapist, and just generally an asshole. It's a wonder no one shot him before Marissa did. 

23. Caleb Nichol. Here solely because he's super rich. 

22. Lance Baldwin. The impressively be-muscled producer of The Porn Identity who blackmailed Julie Cooper for half a million dollars. Any man who puts the fear of God into the demon in heels that is Julie Cooper should be avoided at all costs. 

21. Kevin Volchok. A drug addict and a bad driver who uses his last name as his first name. Marissa would have eventually shot him, too, if he hadn't killed her in a car crash and ruined the show forever.

20. Matt Ramsey. A totally sketchy businessman who hit on Marissa while she was still underage. Not even Sandy Cohen could put him on the path to righteousness. 

19. Grady Bridges. The Seth Cohen analogue on Summer's favorite fictional teen melodrama The Valley. Though Colin Hanks himself is pretty cute, this character made it oh-so-clear how badly the old Cohen shtick plays in the wrong hands.

18. Will Tutt. Portrayed by a baby Chris Brown, Will was a paramour of Kaitlin Cooper. Unremarkable except for the fact that he was an adorable band geek.

17. Dean Hess. As "Dean of Discipline" at the Harbor School, Dean Hess could not have been a bigger jerk. He has a nice strong jawline, though (Taylor Townsend agrees).

16. Johnny Harper. Poor, poor Johnny. If it weren't for his completely annoying, stifling crush on Marissa, he could have been in the top ten. That kind of obsession is just not cute, though. He might have a drinking problem. He is also dead.

15. Frank Atwood. Ryan's dad, also known as Hercules. What else do you need to know?

14. Eddie. Ryan's main competition for Theresa's heart. Probably would have done better if he'd taken out those stupid hoop earrings.

13. Justin. Another Kaitlin Cooper paramour, portrayed by future sparkly Twilight vampire Jackson Rathbone. He was a drug dealer, which is iffy, but his puppy dog eyes make it really easy to ignore that fact.

12. Dennis “Chili” Childress. Chili obviously cannot compete with the water polo boys when it comes to ab definition, but his sense of humor greatly adds to his appeal. You would never have to worry about Chili getting so emo that he'd drink himself to death on top of a cliff. 

11. Ché. A lovable activist, Ché is one of those dudes you date for a semester because he's cute and kind of beefy, then dump because you realize he'll never have health insurance.

10. Henri-Michel. The ex-husband of Taylor Townsend cracked the top ten for two reasons. 1) He is French and 2) he's so confident in his own sexual skill that he wrote an erotic novel about their relationship. Voulez-vous couchez avec Henri? 

9. Carter Buckley. His constant five o'clock shadow and passion for liberal politics make him quite attractive, especially to Kirsten Cohen. But he's also an alcoholic, so tread carefully. (Was everyone on this show an alcoholic?)

8. Jimmy Cooper. So he embezzled millions of his clients' dollars to pay for his daughter's alopecia-ridden pony. The man looks good in a button-down!

7. Zach Stevens. Summer tried (and failed) to replace Seth with this quasi-geeky wannabe in season two. He's certainly good-looking, but he was ultimately a little boring. A good safety pick if you're not looking for anything too serious right now.

6. Sandy Cohen. An older man, yes, but so charming! It's easy to see where Seth gets it. Plus he surfs! 

5. D.J. The abdominally blessed gardener that Marissa dated for a hot second in order to piss off her mom. Who hasn't been there? 

4. Luke Ward. Luke is the Channing Tatum of The O.C.: not the sharpest water polo ball in the Harbor School shed, but looks pretty great while wet and shirtless. Even when he made questionable life choices (sleeping with his ex-girlfriend's mom, for example), his puka shells and blond highlights could always win you over. Luke also got to utter the most iconic line of the entire series: 

3. Donnie. Who is Donnie, you ask? Only the hottest guest star to ever guest star in the history of The O.C., otherwise known as Paul Wesley (who in turn is better known today as Stefan Salvatore of The Vampire Diaries). He was Ryan's coworker at the Crab Shack, and they became fast friends in episode five when it was determined that he was from Corona, another "wrong side of the tracks" L.A. suburb that in real life is actually pretty middle-class. Donnie disappeared after he went to a party at Holly's and accidentally shot Luke — oops! — but he was SO HOT while he lasted. 

2. Seth Cohen. THAT'S RIGHT. SECOND PLACE. Here's why: the thing about Seth Cohen is that he is your dream man...until you turn 25 and realize what a douchebag this kind of dude is. Seth is the guy that when you tell him how much you love Frank Miller's Batman comics, he starts testing your arcane superhero knowledge to see if you're really a nerd. But he's just so fucking cute and witty that you put up with these little digs until you realize that there are plenty of men out there who will just straight up believe you when you say you love comic books.

1. Ryan Atwood. What is not to love about Ryan Atwood? The man makes a leather wristband look like a totally sexy, normal thing to wear. His hair is always just the right amount of artfully tousled. He loves Journey. He becomes an architect, which is the most mythical and desirable of all jobs for men. He is strong enough to carry your body back across the border when you O.D. on painkillers in Tijuana. Ryan Atwood is the hottest man in Newport Beach, and don't you ever forget it.  

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Photo credits: Everett/WB

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Makeup Tutorial: How To Create a Perfect Cat Eye Every Single Time

Can't quite master the art of creating a cat eye? Makeup artist Lauren Cosenza shows and tells you just how to wing it — perfectly.

1. Wing it out. "Using a high-quality eyeliner brush, dip the tip into a black gel eyeliner pot and start creating the tail of what will be the wing of your liner," says Cosenza. "Begin at the outer corner of your eye, angling the brush toward your temple (not the tail of your brow) for a more everyday (versus night) kind of look." Charlotte used Make Up For Ever Aqua Creamliner.

2. Create dashes and connect the dots. "Run the same gel liner along your top lash line — starting from a quarter of the way in from the inner corner of your eye (where your lashes begin) — using dashed guidelines," she says. "Then, connect the dots to help you draw a smooth, straight line."

3. Draw a tiny, elongated triangle off of the tail you created in step one. "Using your eyeliner brush, make a diagonal line that comes off of the winged liner you drew in step one and connect it to the liner you just traced along your upper lash line," says Cosenza.

4. Fill in the triangle shape that connects the winged liner to the upper lash line. And make it look fluid by thickening the liner along your upper lash line with a felt-tip liquid liner, like L'Oréal Lineur Intense Brush Tip Liquid Eyeliner.

5. Clean up any imperfections. And sharpen lines (if yours were wobbly) with a makeup remover pen.

Here's to applying winged liner like a pro and getting it right every single time.

Follow Carly Cardellino on Facebook and Twitter.

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Why Every Trend Is for Every Body

I’ve worked in fashion and magazines for almost 10 years. In that time I’ve done my fair share of “dressing for your body” stories. You know the ones. They are full of advice about how best to dress your body when you don’t fit the standard fashion mold of being 5’10” and slim — accentuate your waist, wear dark colors on parts of your body you want to look smaller, use volume on top to balance out a larger bottom, etc., etc. These sorts of articles are extremely popular, which is why they appear season after season and year after year. They seem to provide service to readers and claim to be full of expert knowledge that anyone can use. The problem is that, no matter how well intentioned they may be, there is still something about them that feels inherently body-shaming.

These stories break the body down into a set of problems that need to be solved, and more often than not, those “problems” have to do with largeness and the “solution” involves creating the illusion of thinness. It’s not that I object to making someone look slimmer, if that's what the person wants. I just don’t think that should be the goal of fashion. Fashion should be about self-expression and having fun, not how best to obscure your body.

Of course, the language in these stories is always very carefully constructed to avoid judgment-laden words like “fat” or “thin,” but that doesn’t mean their presence isn’t felt. Words like curvy, round or pear-shaped are employed to describe what ultimately still boils down to different versions of “not thin” and the goal becomes “lengthening” and the creation of a “leaner” and “more toned” silhouette. It’s still a value judgment, but one that gets delivered in a gentler fashion.

Despite the body-positive message these articles claim to deliver, I worry that stories like these could be doing more harm than good since they validate people's insecurities by framing them as legitimate issues and then suggesting ways to fix them. As if hips and thighs (or whatever parts of the body you are focusing on) are problems that need to be dealt with. Furthermore, making a single page or issue of a magazine (or blog post, for that matter) specifically about addressing people with non-model body types gives the impression that all other content is somehow not also for these same people, which simply is not true. Trends are not body-specific, although they can seem that way when only one body type is used to present them.

Showing a more diverse range of body types across the board would help alleviate some of this tension, and that’s something we try to do at Cosmopolitan.com. But the real trick is letting go of this idea that looking good is the same thing as looking thin. Dressing well shouldn’t be about naming your shape (pear, hourglass, etc.), or identifying your trouble areas and figuring out how to deal with them. Sure, you want your clothes to fit, but the goal of a good fit should be nice draping and proper proportions, not the illusion of thinness. Maybe a certain print or shape doesn’t make you look 10 pounds lighter or 6 inches taller, but that’s OK. Good style shouldn’t be about masking your body, and a good fashion story shouldn’t make you feel like it’s doing you a favor by showing you how to fake a body you don’t have. Instead, fashion should feel inclusive and uplifting. It should excite and motivate, regardless of your size or shape — not just once in a while, but always. Every trend, every silhouette, every time.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

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20 Awesome Shows Every Twentysomething Must Watch

1. Felicity

Dare you to not fall in love with good-girl Felicity Porter (Keri Russell), who’s on her oft-earnest trip through college in NYC. Her world is a thing of pre-social media beauty where a simple note can fuel an episode plot and big decisions include getting pixie cut (yes, yes,yes!) and choosing between Ben or Noel (just wait and see!).

2. Sex and the City

The glitz — sex and book parties and Sarah Jessica Parker in a tutu, oh my — is the initial draw to this romcom. But Sex truly trades on its foursome: spunky Carrie, sultry Samantha, bookish Miranda, and prim Charlotte, who unspool ever-relevant and ever-ridiculous yarns about love, friendship, and — yep — the ins and outs of giving a blowjob.

3. Scandal

So much fun. Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington) leads her crack team of Washington, D.C., pseudo-lawyer “fixers” — all while wearing impeccable fashions and splendidly announcing “It’s handled!” with regularity. Oh, yeah, and there’s a rigged election, a presidential assassination attempt, a White House coup gone wrong, a murdered Supreme Court justice, and so, so much more breakneck crazy likely fueled by a case 5-Hour Energy in the writers’ room.

4. The O.C.

The pilot hooks you with a bevy of beautiful people (exhibits A, B, and C: Benjamin McKenzie, Adam Brody, and Chris Carmack), sudsy SoCal story lines, and one of modern TV’s most memorable lines: “Welcome to the O.C., bitch!” The show’s first season — introducing everything from winky in-show reality series The Valley to the Cohen’s annual Chrismukkah celebration to Seth and Summer’s tortured relationship — is a study in perfectly crafted, endlessly fun television.

5. The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Sure, everyone's talking about New Girl these days, but you can get a purer quirky-girl fix here. Mary Tyler Moore triumphed as TV’s first unmarried, independent career woman. Her Mary Richards, a syrupy television producer new to Minneapolis, was the every gal amid a lineup of fringy foils like a grumpy boss and nymphomaniac homemaker. Bonus points for tackling touchy subjects like pay equality, premarital sex, divorce and homosexuality.

6. Veronica Mars

Murder, She Wrote for a younger generation. Revel in Kristen Bell’s private investigating prowess, as she rolls around Neptune, Calif., solving mini-mysteries and trying to determine who murdered her best friend, Lily (Amanda Seyfried), over three seasons. Another good reason to join the party: A Kickstarter-funded, big-screen movie version hits theaters in 2014.

7. My So-Called Life

A painful, undeniable snapshot of adolescence that, blessedly, doesn’t feel like an after-school special and resonates well beyond those angsty years. Claire Danes’ crying-jag-prone Angela Chase plus Jared Leto’s dreamy-eyed Jordan Catalano equals swoon swoon swoon.

8. Homeland

Lots of cable’s most revered dramas are dude-ish (see: Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead). But here’s a show led by a lady in Carrie Mathison (hi again, Ms. Danes!), a CIA operative who grapples with things like tracking down a potential terrorist and then falling for said potential terrorist.

9. Girls

You’ll fall into one of two camps with this divisive, contemporary take on the twentysomething gal plight in NYC: Love it or loathe it. Whichever way you go, it’s worth watching Hannah, Marnie, Jessa, and Shoshanna live, love, hate, and party, just to partake in the outsize chatter around it all.

10. The Mindy Project

One of the funniest comedies on TV right now. Mindy Kaling is a wonder to behold, tearing around as a gyno whose brain is fried on romcoms. Her quips are wry, smart, and spot-on. "I figure if I'm gonna be a mess," she says at one turn, "I might as well be a hot mess.” And at another point, to her will-they-won’t-they love interest Danny (the sexy Chris Messina): “If we’re still single in five years and we haven’t found anybody, can we make a pact? That we will kill each other.” 

11. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

A coming-of-age fantasy by TV master Joss Whedon that’s told via a vampire slayer Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and her extended Scooby Gang. The genius here lies in its smart-but-low-budget execution, the deep literary and pop culture references, and the fact that at one point Buffy interrupts her SAT prep session to stab an enemy with her pencil.

12. Ally McBeal

Calista Flockhart was a revelation as a kooky Bean Town lawyer-heroine in this quirky comedy. Leggy micro-miniskirts in court? Yep. Sexy coffee sipping? Check. A dancing baby? Sure. A tour through McBeal dusts off an idiosyncratic brand of feminism and unpacks a glorious time capsule of the ’90s (see: chunky heeled loafers).

13. The Golden Girls

Sex and the City’s geriatric predecessor traded glamour girls in NYC for an AARP-eligible quartet in Miami who spun out wisdom for the ages. Here's a typical exchange, launched by eldest gal Sophia: "I've got something in this old-lady purse that's going to make you scream, holler, and jump for joy." Replies sexpot Blanche: "Are the batteries included?" The show's biggest lesson — that it's good to laugh — was often wrapped in such sly comebacks. Plus, it taught us that any problem can be solved with a cheesecake at 2 a.m.

14. Pretty Little Liars

Addictive, even while it’s hard to tell what the endgame of the noir-ish tale of four friends dealing with a faceless, digital bully really is. But it’s got snappy-fun dialogue, a billowing drive forward, and modern appeal. Plus, the stars — Ashley Benson, Troian Bellisario, Shay Mitchell, and Lucy Hale — collectively have the best hair on television.

15. Orange Is the New Black

What launches as a vignette about the struggle of an ill-prepared woman (Taylor Schilling) sent to prison quickly evolves into a study of hilarious and heartbreaking characters inside a women’s prison, ultimately an allegory for the outside world. A few other selling points: There are characters named Crazy Eyes and Taystee, divine American Pie alum Natasha Lyonne stars as a truth-telling lesbian, and Liev Schreiber’s hot half-brother Pablo appears as a prison guard named George “Pornstache” Mendez because he has awesome facial hair.

16. Game of Thrones

It seems like a nerdfest, sure: Various fur-wearing clans clamor around a Middle Ages-ish fictional world known as Westeros and battle for power. But it’s epic TV, owing largely to its boggling cast of characters, exotic settings, and copious use of dragons, as tamed by the enviable Khaleesi (the beguiling Emilia Clarke), who is just one of the many badass women on this show (see: Lena Headey, Natalie Dormer, Sophie Turner, and more).

17. The Daily Show

The day’s headlines and political missteps, delivered to you with biting humor (and a bent to the left) by the silvery foxy Jon Stewart. This should be as much a part of your pre-bedtime ritual as brushing your teeth.

18. Friends

It’s a gimme, but knowing this comedy behemoth is essential mostly because every life experience you’ll encounter is encapsulated in one of its episodes. Like, say, when you sleep with one of your pal's seven siblings but can't remember which one it is, or when you accidentally put beef in your trifle at Thanksgiving. See? Loaded with life lessons, friends.

19. Orphan Black

At face value, it’s a thriller exploring the moral issues of cloning and, rather thornily, personal identity. But scratch deeper and you’ll find Tatiana Maslany serving up an Emmy-worthy performance of 10 separate, completely distinct roles (and that’s just so far … season 2 is coming in April). Go ahead and schedule your jaw an appointment with the floor right now.

20. Clarissa Explains It All

Melissa Joan Hart’s star-making turn as a know-it-all teen who lived a way cooler life than you is wise beyond its years. Even adults can find solace in her musings. “Let’s face it, Sam,” she tells her best friend in an episode about blind dating, “when you bet on something you can’t see for yourself, you’re asking for disappointment.” 

Photo Credit: ABC Productions

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20 Fights Had by Absolutely Every Couple on Earth

1. The "I Did Something Wrong but Instead of Admitting It I'm Going to Be Mad at You" Fight. "I can't believe you washed the pink sock with my white jeans! What the hell! Oh wait, I did the laundry? I AM BLAMING THIS ALL ON YOU." Who hasn't been there.

2. The "You’re Not 22 Anymore and Therefore Do Not Need 12 Shots of Tequila on a Tuesday" Fight. After a certain age this just becomes embarrassing. Related: The "Why Do You Waste Money on Bars?" Fight.)

3. The "Your Friend is So Inappropriate" Fight. Usually it's the friend who's making your significant other take, like, 80 shots of Jaegermeister on a Thursday, causing him to vomit in your deskside trash can.

4. The "Why Are You Reading a Book/Checking Facebook/Working in Bed Instead of Having Sex with Me?" Fight. Me me me me. ME ME ME ME. It's everyone's inner monologue sometimes, just roll with it.

5. The "I Can’t Read Your Mind" Fight. "I didn't mean it when I said I didn't want anything for Valentine's day," you proclaim through tears, when he doesn't get you something. In your defense he obiviously should have known you didn't mean it!

6. The "I Can’t Believe You’d Rather Hang Out With Your Friends Over Me" Fight. "Do your bros have sex with you? No? WTF?" Totally rational.

7. The "Freaking Out about Moving In Together" Fight. Every insecurity you have about you relationship becomes magnified in this phase. Also the act of moving never made anyone happier than they were when they were NOT moving, so there's that. After you get over this hurdle, then comes the "Holy Shit, I Can’t Believe You are Always Here" Fight.)

8. The "I Had a Bad Day and Now I'm Taking It Out on You" Fight. Next time, just call whoever at the office pissed you off and yell at them. JK LOL don't do that.

9. The "It's the Holidays" Fight. "We have to go to my parents." "No we have to visit MY parents." Here's an idea: visit no one's parents and go to Miami.

10. The "I Can't Believe You Spent X on Y " Fight. The new dress you bought for work was unnecessary but his round of golf with the guys for a bachelor party was totally legit. Everyone's right and no one is.

11. The "We Never Make-Out Anymore" Fight. Someone's polite way of saying, "Why don't we bone anymore! Wah!"

12. The "You Sound Just Like My Mother" Fight. You don't like the mother. Hiss.  

13. The "Why Are We Even Talking About This Thing That Always Makes Us Fight?" Fight. When this fight starts, set a timer, and stop fighting after four minutes. That should be enough to get it out of your systems and move onto the "I'm still mad at you" makeup sex couples like so much.

14. The “If I Watch The Real Housewives, You Won't Watch the Game with Me Like You Said You Would” Fight. But he always loses this one because games are eight million times longer and eight million times more boring. 

15. The “Why Are We 10 Hours into a Keeping Up with The Real Housewives of Teen Mom 2 Boo Boo Marathon" Fight. If you've spent this long watching E!, TLC, and/or Bravo, get out of the house. I repeat: leave the premises.

16. The “I Read Your Internet History File and I Think You are GROSS” Fight. Just don't snoop. Or at least just know what you'll find.

17. The "I Don't Want to Go to Your Friend's Wedding" Fight. So he has a friend in love. So you don't want to fly across the country for a day and be exhuasted while all his friends try to force you to drink, like, 80 shots of Jaegermeister at the open bar. 

18. The "We Never Do Stuff I Want to Do" Fight. You picked the last restaurant, you chose the last movie, you insisted on going to the Strawberry Festival. Well, maybe your S.O. never has any good ideas!

19. The "Why are We Out of Milk/Toilet Paper/Dog Food" fight. Quickly devolves to the "God, I Have to To Everything Around the House, Don't I?" fight. And then there's the fun (read: not fun) follow-up fight in which you argue over who gets to go to the drugstore to buy the needed items. And whether or not both of you should suffer the trip.

20. The "You Work Too Much/Not Enough" Fight. A more fun fight is the one over who's werking it harder. Always.

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Runway-Inspired Makeup Looks Every Woman Can Wear

Not all runway looks are equally wearable. But two makeup looks plucked straight from New York Fashion Week will add a little edge to your usual reoutine: a beautiful red ombré lip from Monique Lhuillier, and a Sophia Loren-meets-Barbie-inspired black and white cat eye from Kate Spade. Ahead are the tutorials that so you, too, can wear these runway looks.

Makeup artist Lauren Cosenza shows us how it's done. 

First, this gorgeous ombré lip from Monique Lhuillier. It says, "I just ate a popsicle and I look damn good."

Here's how to get Monique Lhuillier's popsicle pout:

1. Coat your mouth. "Prep your lips with a balm, like Peter Thomas Roth Lips to Die For Pink Bombshell Lip Balm, and then blot once using a tissue to remove any excess," says Cosenza.

2. Brush on your base. "Sweep a gel-based, cherry lipcolor over your mouth, like Maybelline Color Whisper in Cherry on Top, with a fluffy makeup brush," says Cosenza. "Using a hydrating, sheer lipstick and fluffy brush combo gives you that diffused appearance where your look isn't too harsh, yet some color is still imparted onto your lips."

3. Press on your color. "Pat a deeper, more-pigmented red lipcolor onto the center of your lips using a flat eyeshadow brush," she adds. "To concentrate the color onto the middle of your pout, it helps to pucker up during the application, and then only apply the intense shade to the center of your lips only." For intense color, model Natalie Zfat used OCC Lip Tar in NSFW.

4. Blend. "Using the the fluffy brush you used in step two, lightly blend where the lighter and darker shades meet to get that gradated look," Cosenza says.

5. Add concealer. "To accentuate the diffused effect around the edges of your lips, dab a little bit of liquid concealer — Natalie used YSL Touch Eclat Radiant Touch Pen —  at the corners of your mouth," she notes. "This enhances the ombré effect — essentially, you want your lips to look as though you've been sucking on a red popsicle.”

6. Pucker up! Because, girl, you're ready for a selfie.

Next up, the mod, dual-liner look from Kate Spade. Don't worry, it's easier than it looks. 

Here's how to get Kate Spade's sexy, mod eye:

1. Prep your skin. Apply your face makeup first, and then reach for a black gel eye liner and a white kohl eye pencil to get started.

2. Draw on dashes. "After you've applied your foundation, using an eye liner brush, run a cream or gel eye liner, like Tarte Amazonian Clay Waterproof Black Liner, in dashes along your upper lash line," explains Cosenza. "Make sure to tilt the tiny lines upward as you reach the outer corner of your eye. This gives you the guidelines to be able to draw on a subtle cat eye easily and perfectly."

3. Connect the dots for one fluid line. Enough said.

4. Swipe on mascara. Coat your upper lashes in L’Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes in Blackest Black, to accentuate your eyes.

5. Line your lower lid. "Using a white kohl eye pencil (our lovely model Jessica Liu used NYX Cosmetics Slim Eye Pencil in White), trace a V-shape at the inner corner of your eye, continuing the line beneath your waterline along your lower lashline," explains Cosenza. "Be sure to extend the color so it meets and runs parallel to the black liner at the outer corner."

6. Flaunt this flirty look out on the town. Cosenza recommends pairing it with a light rose-pink blush and a similar wash of pink color on the lips. 

Photo Credit: Elizabeth Griffin/Imaxtree/Kate Spade

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Every Time You Say “I Have More Guy Friends Because I Hate Drama,” My Vagina Dies

So you are blithely going about your business, drinking a warm can of PBR at a party and trying to avoid talking to a guy who keeps staring at your ass, and all of a sudden you hear some girl nearby saying That Thing. You know. THAT thing.

“I have a lot more guy friends because I hate drama."

Oh my sweet Christ on a cracker. This expression sends me straight to the old-school Victorian insane asylum. And here’s why. First of all, like the unspoken truth behind Real Housewife confessionals, if a woman is complaining about how much she hates all the drama between her and All Other Women, she is most likely the cause of it. Anybody who has employed the above phrase should be rushed to the hospital for their acute Teresa Giudice Disorder.

Secondly, that whole "supporting each other and sticking up for your own kind" thing — you know, just being a cool, girl-friendly girl on a basic level — is awesome. Getting a tight-knit group of female friends is the smartest thing I've ever done in my adult life, and I'd be lost without them. In a group of girls, you don't feel the social element of "tokenism" (which the above kinds of girls thrive on), and you don't have to whip out the artifice and posturing that many women feel they need around men. (And men around women, for that matter.) Female friends are also essential if you have a weird/dark sense of humor about being a girl. Jokes about potentially being barren don’t go over well with men. Believe me, I’ve tried. The hilarious woes of being female are not a laugh riot to them.

A Brief History of Women In My Life Who Have Said "I Have a Lot More Guy Friends Because I Hate Drama.".

Woman A: Gave a handjob to her self-proclaimed best friend’s boyfriend during a New Years Eve party under the covers on a futon in the basement while the rest of us (including the best friend) were asleep three inches away from them.

Woman B: Began a relationship with my office crush and avoided telling me so that she did not “hurt my feelings.” Instead, would pull my best friend at work aside so that I couldn’t hear, exclude me from plans on purpose, continue to tell literally every single person at work how sad and jealous I would be if I found out. Went on for months. When I finally found out, I was mostly relieved that my best friend from work wasn’t mad at me for some reason.

She also used to ask all the guys in the office to feel her new bra.

Are you noticing the pattern here?

Women who say this mean “I have a lot more guy friends because guys like me because I’m hot but also super-chill. Like a bro with perfect bone structure and limpid bedroom eyes. My perfect North American cantaloupe breasts and I have much difficulty sustaining healthy relationships with women.”

Even if the above is true, I am here to inform you that in addition to the above qualities, you are literally Voldemort. Every time I encounter you, I feel like running to the fictional Department of Womanity (Amy Poehler, acting president) and ratting you out for being a big stinking traitor.

Follow Anna on Twitter.

Image via MTV

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Why Every Woman Should Date a Mirgin

Breaking the sleep-with-everyone jock stereotype — and following in the chaste footsteps of Tim Tebow — hunky Giants cornerback Prince Amukamara, who's engaged to Pilar Davis, says he committed to keeping his P out of any Vs until his wedding night.

While it's NBD when a woman saves herself for marriage, male virgins — or, mirgins, if you will — are social anomalies. After all, "real" men think with their d*cks, want to hump everything that moves, and win points from their bros with every conquest, right?

Well, not exactly. Because who really wants to date — let alone marry — a guy who thinks that sleeping around should be second nature?

But even though a lot of women might prefer a guy who thinks sex is special, they still may be wary of dating a mirgin. There's the worry that the guy will be super inexperienced. That there's no way to connect on an intimate level. Some might even take it personally when say, their high school boyfriend reveals that he's not so down with having the sex (*raises hand*). However, what these ladies don't realize is that a guy's no nookie preference isn't a form of rejection.

"Don't make his choice all about you," sexologist Megan Stubbs, Ed.D advises women who are dating mirgins. "Just like it takes two to tango, it takes two willing partners to engage in sex. Respect is paramount when it comes virginity or any important life choice your partner has made."

In addition to accepting a guy's decision about where he will and will not put his ween, Stubbs suggests getting the lowdown on what actually constitutes sex for him. (Is oral OK, for example?)

Then, after you get your own hang-ups and his boundaries out of the way, the fun begins. Just because sex is off the table, that doesn't mean your hormones stop pumping. So, you'll be forced to get creative with your non-fornicating sex life by trying new oral techniques, bringing in toys, and finding uncharted erogenous zones.

At the very least, you'll still be able to experience the best part of sex (the orgasm, duh). "Have your guy pull you on top of him and make him move your hips for you," Stubbs suggests. "Fingers crossed that he will have an erection and you can use that, or his pubic bone, to rub your clitoris against. Only wear your underwear for an extra-close encounter." (Not to be awkwardly TMI, but this is a really, really good tip. My mirgin high school BF and I outercoursed like freaking champs.)

Even though you won't be having actual sex, dating a mirgin is kind of like one long foreplay session — and with the right moves, the results can be even more satisfying than the real thing.

Want more from Natasha? Follow her on Twitter or find her on Facebook.

Photo: Getty

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The Top Porn Search Terms for Every State In America

That "50 Nifty United States" song you learned in grade school will never sound the same.

PornHub has released a mid-year report of some user statistics by state. The biggest takeaway is that, without exception, Southern porn-watchers spend more time indulging in their hobby than their Northern counterparts. You'd think we'd read enough Tennessee Williams plays to know that already.

It goes from the most time, Mississippi (11 minutes, 59 seconds), to the rest of the Southern states, then the Northern states, and then the final three, New Hampshire, Vermont and finally Rhode Island (10 minutes). New York is surprisingly low on the list, considering I live here.

The top three searches of porn niches in each state are basically your usual suspects. "Creampie" (when a guy comes inside a girl), "college," "teen," "compilation," "lesbians" and "milf." One interesting side-note: States like Alabama, Kentucky and Louisiana, who have — let's just say a history with the Civil Rights movement — count "ebony" among their top search terms. Make of that what you will.

The average US porn watcher spends 10 minutes and 51 seconds watching "teens, "creampies" and "milfs." Then there are the searches on the odd side...

Wyoming: "smoking." This can only mean... smoking during sex? Smoking after sex? Does the Surgeon General's warning on cigarette packs in Wyoming read, "You should not smoke if you do not want a massive and immediate boner?"

Nevada: "anita queen." A quick Google reveals that Anita Queen is a porn actress who has starred in such Independent Spirit Award-winning films as Big Titty Lesbians and Drunk Sex Orgy: Prison Pussy Break. She was also in Hostel, apparently.

Kentucky, Virginia, Massachusetts: "hentai" Short for hentai seiyoku, a Japanese phrase that means "perverse sexual desire," hentai is often found in the form of anime porn, either comics or animation. One popular example of this is Weather Report Girl, which contains what looks like a hell of a lot of sex but no weather reporting.

This has been today's America Is Drenched In Semen report.

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Image via Universal

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11 Ways to Have Naughty Sex—in Every Room of the House!

1-The Kitchen Just Got Kinky

Have him sit on a kitchen chair. Straddle the chair, facing away from him, and lower your body down. You can lean forward slightly and put your hands on the kitchen table to help lift your pelvis up and down during this reverse cowgirl variation. Naughty bonus: First bind him to the chair by winding a few layers of plastic wrap around his chest and the back of the chair.

2-Orgasmify the Office

Sex on the floor is hot because it feels primal. So get your man on the ground, grab some tape from your desk, and use it to attach his wrists to the desk legs for a little kinky-lite bondage action.

3-Do It on the Deck

A chaise lounge is the perfect sex-cessory because it’s narrow enough to straddle. Put it in a semi-reclined position, have him lie down on it on his back, and then lower your body onto his. It’s a cool twist on cowgirl since you’re standing, plus he can get a better view of you with his head raised. Lean your hands against the back for support, and if your thighs start burning, kneel on the seat with his legs between yours. (Obvs save this one for when no one’s around, or wear a skirt so the neighbors can’t see what you’re doing.)

4-Get Dirty in the Dining Room

Sit with your butt on the edge of the table and have him stand in front of you. Lean back on your elbows and stretch out your feet so they brace the wall, with him between your legs. (Move the table closer to the wall if necessary.) Push against the wall to move your pelvis back and forth or up and down.

5-Knock Boots in the Bathroom

Sit facing each other in the tub. Drape your thighs over his, snuggle close, and—using the sides of the tub for leverage—rock your hips all the way to O-town.

6-Lust Up the Living Room

Stand with your back against the back of an armchair or couch, rest your butt on the top of it, and have him stand in front of you. (He’ll probably have to bend his knees a little to enter you.) Hold his hands and lean backward so that your hips thrust up—this pelvic stretch yields extra sensation for you and a hot eyeful for him. For more intimacy, he can also pull your torso back up so you’re chest-to-chest.

7-Sex Up the Staircase

Kneel on the stairs with your hands resting a couple of steps above you or on the railing. He should kneel on the step below you and hold onto your hips so he can guide them back and forth in this naughty twist on doggie-style.

8-Lovin’ in the Laundry Room

Sit on the washer or dryer while it’s running. Have him stand in front of you (he’ll probably need to stand on a phonebook or something to be the right height) and prop your legs over his shoulders. The hum of the dryer gives you a buzz and channels heat to your v-zone.

9-Get Frisky in a Window Frame

This position gives you an exhibitionist thrill—minus the risk of getting caught with your pants down. Stand a few feet back from an open the window, bend at the waist, and lean your arms on the ledge while your man enters you from behind.

10-Create Passion in the Pool

Standing sex is normally a tricky position—so take advantage of being weightless and try it when you’re in the water. Wrap your arms around his back and your legs around his hips, as he supports your butt with his hands.

11-Be Bad in the Bedroom

So we know this is your usual spot—but jazz it up by getting it on outside of your bed. If you have a low dresser with a mirror over it, lean forward across the top of dresser with him behind you, so you can watch yourselves get more and more turned on. Not your boudoir setup? Position yourselves on the carpet in front of a floor-length mirror for the same voyeuristic vibe.

Photo credits: (1) FX, (2) ABC, (4) AMC, (5) CW, (6) HBO, (9) Warner Bros, (11) New Line Cinema

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Exposed: Every Single Real Housewife's Paycheck

So, what's the going rate for having catfights in stilettos and G&Ts with Andy Cohen these days? Well, it depends which Real Housewife you are: In other words, how long have you been on your particular Bravo franchise, and, more importantly how much of a sh*tshow and/or raging alcoholic are you? Below, a comprehensive list of all the mind-boggling paychecks you can possibly want. (And it doesn't even include the women's various entrepreneurial spinoffs, like Teresa Giudice's cookbooks or Ramona Singer's pinot grigio, which I might be drinking right now. Just kidding! I never drink while I'm working. Just kidding! Just kidding. I might.)

Below, a comprehensive list of their earnings from OK Magazine via HuffPo.

Warning: If there was ever a sadly convincing case to skip college and go on reality TV, this is it.

Atlanta

Cynthia Bailey: $300,000
Phaedra Parks: $300,000
Kandi Burrus: $450,000
NeNe Leakes: $1 million
Above, we learn that NeNe Leakes is the highest-earning housewife.

New Jersey

Jacqueline Laurita $275,000
Melissa Gorga $350,000
Caroline Manzo $400,000
Teresa Giudice: $650,000
And Teresa Guidice, the most reprehensible of the New Jersey housewives (unless you've heard one of Melissa Gorga's horrid techno-remix ballads), takes home the turkey.

New York

Heather Thompson: $175,000
Aviva Drescher: $200,0000
Sonja Morgan: $220,000
Ramona Singer: $500,000
Countess Luann DeLesseps: $500,000
As if Ramona or the Countess needs more pocket change to buy Swarovski thongs with, or whatever the heck they do.

Orange County

Alexis Bellino:$175,000
Tamra Barney: $325,000
Gretchen Rossi: $375,000
Vicki Gunvalson: $500,000

Most of which Vicki likely spent on that plastic surgery.

Beverly Hills

Brandi Glanville: $175,000
Kyle Richards: $225,000
Lisa Vanderpump: $350,000
Along with Vanderpump's stint on Dancing With The Stars. That lady has a LOTTA cash.

Miami
Adriana De Moura, Marysol Patton, Joanna Krupa: $55-75,000
The lowest-rating show of the bunch. Do them a favor and waste your time! I mean, watch it!

There you have it. Any surprises in the bunch? I figured Brandi Glanville would be raking more in, considering all the recent LeAnn Rimes drama with Glanville's ex-husband and Rimes' current husband, Eddie Cibrian.

Follow Anna on Twitter: @annabreslaw

Image via NBC

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10 Cute, Flirty Bathing Suits for Every Body

Boost your boobage with tropical ruffles.

Zimmermann, $225, zimmermannwear.com

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How To Recycle Last Night's Makeup Look (Because We Know You're Not Washing Your Face Every Night)

Listen, we've all been there. You're dead tired, kind of tipsy, and just got home from hanging with the hottie you met at the gym. The last thing you want to do is wash your face, let alone wipe off your eye makeup. So, what do you do? Face plant into your pillow, that's what. No judgements, don't worry.

Here's the thing, while we don't recommend making this a habit, it happens. But, here's the beauty in it all: The next morning after you wash your face and your eye liner is sort of in tact, we say go ahead and rock last night's liner again.

So, if you're planning on leaving your eye liner on for round two, let us at least tell you how to touch it up and make it look freshly applied.

All you need is a cotton swab dipped in some petroleum jelly, or a cotton swab filled with makeup remover to clean up your eye makeup mess. The latter is a genius invention that we wish we would have created, but since we didn't, we'll just use the hell out of them instead. Jane Iredale Dot the i Makeup Remover Swabs, $23, janeiredale.com, and Almay Makeup Eraser Sticks, $6, drugstore.com, both make these little magic wands that you break the top cotton swab off of and watch the removing solution drain into the bottom cotton swab. Voilà, it's ready to use.

Once you gently wipe away any smudges that may have occured while you were tossing and turning (sayonara, scary raccoon eyes!), grab your eye liner of choice and trace the line that's still vaguely there to refresh your look.

Like we said, we don't suggest that you continue wearing Monday's eye liner through Sunday, but it's okay to do one or two nights in a row. We won't tell.

Do you recycle your eye liner look?

Photo: Getty Images/iStockphoto

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20 Sex Moves to Match Every Mood

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