10 Lies Every Woman Tells When She's Drunk

1. "I can't believe we've never hung out! I've always loved you so much from afar." You and Amanda are bonding, kind of. It's great that she's really focusing on her English major too and also is just really ready to just grow up already, just like you. But also you remember that you and Amanda never hung out soberly after every single other time you drunk bonded. A drunk night with Amanda it is!

2. "Let's go to da club, I love da club." Literally there is nothing worse than da club. But sure, let's go to da club and drink iced-down vodka sodas with a splash of cranberry juice and yell at each other to dance in a circle to avoid creepers! "Da couch," you think mournfully as you leave your apartment with Amanda and your 11 BFFs, "I love da couch."

3. "OMG, no, I am having the best time. I am so glad we decided to go out, because this is so fun. THIS IS SO FUN!" You drink your disgusting drink really fast because it's really disgusting but also because you cannot handle being in da club. "Guys! This is totally the funnest, but how much longer do you think we're gonna stay here?" you ask while half-heartedly Wobble-ing. You still miss da couch.

4. "You should totally make out with him, he's super cute." The Fireball shots are probably clouding Amanda's judgment, but he's maybe kinda cute in a "I reallyreallyreally wanted to make out with a tall man tonight" way? You give up. Friends don't cock-block drunk friends on a makeout mission. Proceed, Amanda.

5. "I am just done with men forever." You know what? You and Amanda are done with dudes. Seriously! Just, like, done. Except maybe not Michael. Michael actually was super cute and really nice, and also he's been texting you. OK, fine, done with all boys except maybe Michael. And Brad, maybe. You'll see.

6. "Ugh, I wish I were in a relationship. You and your boyfriend are amaaazing." Guess what lucky guy is waiting for you when you get home? His name is Pizza and he's fucking delicious, and Alana's boyfriend is a troll who still doesn't know your name even though you've met seven times. "I know it's just because I haven't found the right person for me yet, but how do you guys do it?!" You don't actually care. Mmm, pizza.

7. "You should just enjoy your singleness. I wish I were single like you." You and Alana both know these words are a lie as they are leaving her mouth, because you both know she is totally obsessed with her boyfriend and it's astonishing that she came out tonight at all. "I totally get what you're saying about wanting a boyfriend, but you should just enjoy being on your own," she says. Bye, Alana.

8. "I love you so, so much. We will literally always be friends." You cling to Amanda in the sticky third bathroom stall of O'Reilly's, imagining your life after college. Remember how you never speak to Amanda when you're sober? You know very well this fact presents a major problem in your BFF proposition. Oh well, that's a problem for Future You to deal with.

9. "I'm not that drunk!!! I'm really not that drunk." You just stumbled because you tripped over your shoe that you took off, you can totally stand up. In fact, you're so awake because of your six Sex on the Beaches. "It's like I've surpassed my drunk, you know? I'm so drunk that I'm basically sober. Seriously, Amanda, leave me alone. I'm fine."

10." I just want to go home and pass out, you know?" What you actually want to do is go sneak off to hook up with Michael, who you've secretly been texting all night. Or he can come find you, dammit. Or you can go find pizza. Pizza <3.

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15 Things That Only Seem Like a Good Idea When You're Drunk

1. Flirting back with that guy you've only seen in the dark under strobe lights. All of a sudden you go outside to where there is brighter street light and you're ju— "Becky! RUN!"

2. Taking off your shoes. What's tetanus? Not something that happens to a drunk person, that's for sure!

3. Doing a sexy dance. You're so fancy. You already knoooow. You're in the fast lane — to getting hit on by someone disgusting.

4. Standing on a booth. You gotta show off your sexXxy dancing and take ***FLAWLESS duckface group selfies but you're thisclose to getting in a drunk fight with the girl in a cowl neck dress next to you who came with a group of girls who, right here, right now, are obviously your ARCH RIVALS.

5. Standing on the bar. Or anything that is not the floor or ground. Because 1. falling and 2. you'd never want this much attention for standing on not-the-ground if you were sober.

6. Kissing people whose names you don't know. You: "I just made out with that guy!" Your less drunk friend: *makes face* "And it's time to go!"

7. Having your bra show a LOT. You're Rihanna right now! She'd have her nipples out! Free the nipple! Free all the nipples!

8. Posting photos on Facebook. "Dear world, freeing mah nipplies! Woo!" ?This is the point at which you give your phone to your friend.

9. Online shopping on your iPhone. STAY AWAY FROM THE GILT APP! Stay. Away. That shit is dangerous.

10. Taking mass transit home at 3 a.m. to save $10 on a cab. When your mother asks you how your night was the next day you're going to remember this with regret.

11. Ordering food as soon as you get home. Because you fall asleep before it arrives. Or because the only places you can order from are just disgusting.

12. Trying to make food as soon as you get home. Because you're going to end up waking up to an apartment full of smoke and a black disk that used to be a frozen pizza or you're just going to eat something embarrassing, like tortilla chips dipped in peanut butter or God knows.

13. Grabbing onto a pole that happens to be next to you. When you're drunk this only leads to one sort of action and it's probably not one you'll want to end up on Vine so everyone can talk about it at brunch the next day.

14. Letting a guy who is at least 20 years older than you buy you a drink. One minute it's an $18 vodka soda, the next you have a stage five clinger Old on your hands.

15. Body glitter. You'd never put that shit on sober.

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11 Drunk Conversations Every Woman Has Had

1. "No, I don't hate you! I seriously never hated you! Why would you ever think that?!" Literally I have never hated you once, Rebecca. I just kind of thought you were kind of a bitch because you said something snotty in our sociology class three years ago, but actually I love you." No one understands you like Rebecca does. She's even on her fourth amaretto sour too. You're so glad Ashley brought her out tonight. Is Rebecca your soul mate? "Rebecca, you are, like, my fucking spirit animal."

2. "Yes, OMG, can we please hang out soon? Why did we not hang out the last time we made plans?!" Even through your booze-induced haze, you know in your heart that you don't want to get dinner with Rebecca. While grabbing her phone aggressively to text yourself so now she has your number and you guys have "seriously noooOo excuses this time," you plot ways to get out of your date.

3. "Boys are so dumb, OMFG." Effing Pete. He ruins everything. You were having this amazing bonding sesh with Rebecca in the corner, and you, like, never get to talk to Rebecca, and Effing Pete just needed to interrupt you because that stupid Avicii song came on. Can he maybe fist-pump on his own? You don't have time to pretend to enjoy fist-pumping with him; you are talking to Rebecca.

4. *Cries. Just cries.* No reason. Maybe there is a reason. You don't remember.

5. "I just want to go to a place where there are no creepers." Also, more alcohol. Rebecca says she knows this place that is minimally creepy and also has amazing music. That sounds perfect; let's go there. After this song, though.

6. "Should we take a shot?" Literally, you cannot remember the last time you took a shot because shots are disgusting, but, honestly, you really feel like you could just take shots right now, you know? Shots! Shots! OK, these shots are disgusting. Maybe you can throw yours out when no one is looking. "Did you really just down that?! Ew! Shots!"

7. "I just made out with him. Is he cute? I can't even tell." He maybe looks kinda cute? Like, does he look like Justin Timberlake circa 2001? Or Justin Timberlake circa now? All you know is now he is in your phone as JT DA CLUB. "Seriously, Rebecca, could you pay attention for one minute. I need help!"

8. "Why are you single? You are soooo great." Seriously, you have the most amazing friends and job and apartment in the world and also you are incredible. "Why are you single? Rebecca, you are amazing. There are so many guys who want you. No, you're more amazing." You earnestly debate the pros and cons of the Single Lady Life.

9. "I have never had to pee so badly in my life." The line is sooo long. Where are you going to pee? Where are you going to pee? You can't pee here, it's disgusting. Do you think we should sneak into that less creepy place across the street? OK, you can hold for one more minute and then that's it. OK, we have to go now. You made it, barely. Kinda hard to squat with Rebecca and Ashley in the stall with you, but you persevere.

10. "I love you. I love you so fucking much, I just need you to know that you're my best friend. I know I was taking shots and dancing with Rebecca half the night, but Ashley, you are my BFF and I love you. I love you more than my mom. Let's never hang out with Rebecca again. Promise me nothing will ever change. No, I love you more. I love you the most."

11. "Is there pizza here? Where is the nearest pizza?" Pizzzzzzaaaaaaaa. I love pizza more than you, Ashley.

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Stop Everything and Experience the "Drunk in Love" Emoji Video

In the world of wonderful things that are capable of breaking the Internet, a new "Drunk In Love" music video done solely in emojis (!!!) is likely to do so. The video is the full length of the song, uses an eggplant as a penis, and a surfboard as a "surfboart." In conclusion, Beyoncé will always win and emojis are legitimate spirit animals.

Watch it in all of its glory now:

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Related:
The Very Best "Drunk In Love" Vines
Confirmed: Beyoncé's Snatching Wigs

Photo Credit: Sony

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16 Problems We All Have During Drunk Sex

1. Jumping someone's bones in front of anyone else with no shame. Generally speaking, when you are sober you are less inclined to halfway-bang someone in front of a kindly 55-year-old cab driver. Super-embarrassing for everyone involved to remember this the next day.

2. Wondering if you might have to vomit in this person’s bathroom. Like when you are riiiight on the border of “fun drunk” and “nauseous drunk.” And twentysomething apartments are so small, he’d totally hear you.

3. Getting the spins while you're on top. When I am drunk and want to have sex I basically plank and wait.

4. Tripping over things on the way to the bed. That stray Reebok sneaker just jumped right out in front of me.

5. Ignoring 700 texts from your friends because you are deep in the throes of the Drunk Sex Tunnel. “where did you go??” “are you okay?” “don’t get come on my skirt you borrowed.”

6. Waiting for him to find your clitoris, and eventually having to help him as he fumbles around. Although I guess sober guys also can be this way, generally their hand/eye coordination is somewhat superior.

7. Engaging in super-filthy dirty talk that might embarrass you tomorrow. My butthole aches for your tender... you get the idea.

8. Saying "I love you" unplanned. The drunk mid-sex first “I love you” is a very risky, occasionally catastrophic move.

9. Not using a condom. One time when I had to go to the pharmacy to get Plan B, the pharmacist was like, “PARDON? YOU SAID PLAN B, RIGHT? FOR WHEN YOU HAVE UNPLANNED AND UNPROTECTED SEX WITH ANOHTER HUMAN AND NEED TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR IRRESPONSIBILITY?” (Okay, maybe not the second sentence, but she yelled it really loud and everyone standing behind me waiting for their Claritin eyeballed me like I was a disease-riddled dock prostitute.) (YOLO.)

10. Whiskey dick. :(

11. Not being properly lubricated. Really wanting to have sex but really not being able to is the worst. Until you bust out the K-Y!

12. Thinking you're being really discreet about sliding your hand up his leg (or whatever) while you have the requisite fake small talk convo with his roommate. The swing-your-legs-over-his-legs move is not as subtle as you think it is.

13. Or brazenly touching his dick while you are at a bar. And giving everyone around you an unwanted dramatic re-enactment of a Penthouse letter.

14. Best case scenario, you're in a cloud of both of your booze breath combined. Worst case: Taco Bell breath.

15. Blowjobs that take forrrrrever. When you’re going down on a drunk guy, time stops; it’s that Salvador Dali painting with the droopy clocks everywhere.

16. Going back to his place and forgetting you wore clip-in hair extensions. Do you (1) take them out and hide them in his bathroom until the morning or (2) hope he doesn't try to run his hands through your hair ever?

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Photo Credit: Getty

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Oh, It's Just Hot Drunk Sex Sans Awkward Passing Out and Wicked Hangover—NBD

Whether you're working on a new man or looking to lighten up a LTR, these guy-friendly ideas on how to be romantic can help you win him over (and over and over…).

From Cosmopolitan.com. Visit Handbags reviews and advice for best reference here

An Adorably Drunk Diane Keaton Explains Tantric Sex on <i>Ellen</i><br>

Korin Miller
Korin is the site director for Cosmopolitan.com. She loves uncovering cool new research and learning more about what makes guys tick. Outside the Cosmo office, you can find her running with her dog, trying to convince friends to go to karaoke bars, and watching as much reality TV as humanly possible. Hit her up on Twitter: @korinmiller
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Michelle Ruiz
Michelle is the news editor for Cosmopolitan.com. She's obsessed with interviewing celebrities and spotting the latest pop culture trends. Her life highlights include chatting with Ryan Gosling about sex dolls, dancing on stage at the Oprah show, and shopping with her mom on Long Island. Tweet her: @michelleruiz
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Dara is the associate web editor for Cosmopolitan.com. She's intrigued by all things digital. Dara loves playing with html and discovering new studies. When she's not reading up on the latest cocktail recipes (for work, of course), she can be found breaking it down on the dance floor or watching the Investigative Discovery channel. She also has a sick obsession with nail polish, elephants, and most importantly, Nutella. Dara basically lives on Twitter, so tweet at her and say hey: @dadeeyo.
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Elisa Benson
Elisa Benson is the senior editor of social media for @Cosmopolitan?so, yes, she tweets about sex for a living. Elisa grew up in Ohio, attended Colgate University, and wrote love and relationship advice for Seventeen before graduating to Cosmo. She lives for girly things (weddings and eyelash extensions and Pretty Little Liars?) and frequently tweets about all of the above: @elisabenson.
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Lady Gaga is on the "drunk diet"

Just when you thought she'd out-crazied herself for the last time (you know, by spending 72 hours inside an egg) Lady Gaga has revealed that she's on the "drunk diet."

The pop star told radio show Morning Mash Up, "I like to drink whiskey and stuff while I'm working. But the deal is, I've got to work out every day, and I work out hungover if I'm hungover." [ed's note: do not try this at home].

Like most of Gaga's zany outbursts, this is most likley a publicity stunt to promote her boyfriend's book. Luc Carl, a Manhattan bar manager who has been dating Gaga, will soon release The Drunk Diet, a book that details how he lost 18 kilograms "without giving up his principles of being a hard-drinking party maker."

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Lady Gaga is on the "drunk diet"

Just when you thought she'd out-crazied herself for the last time (you know, by spending 72 hours inside an egg) Lady Gaga has revealed that she's on the "drunk diet."

The pop star told radio show Morning Mash Up, "I like to drink whiskey and stuff while I'm working. But the deal is, I've got to work out every day, and I work out hungover if I'm hungover." [ed's note: do not try this at home].

Like most of Gaga's zany outbursts, this is most likley a publicity stunt to promote her boyfriend's book. Luc Carl, a Manhattan bar manager who has been dating Gaga, will soon release The Drunk Diet, a book that details how he lost 18 kilograms "without giving up his principles of being a hard-drinking party maker."

Share: Share on Facebook More

Wedding jewelry here