Showing posts with label Definitive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Definitive. Show all posts

Sunday, March 2, 2014

A Definitive Ranking of Every Remotely Attractive Guy From <i>The O.C.</i>

25. Oliver Trask. Oh, God. Oliver. Even Trey Atwood (who was so skeevy that Marissa shot him) could not hit the extremely high bar of creepiness that Oliver set in season one. Did he even GO to therapy in that office, or had he been stalking Marissa from afar all along? His maniacal grin will haunt your waking nightmares forever.

24. Trey Atwood. An ex-con, an attempted rapist, and just generally an asshole. It's a wonder no one shot him before Marissa did. 

23. Caleb Nichol. Here solely because he's super rich. 


22. Lance Baldwin. The impressively be-muscled producer of The Porn Identity who blackmailed Julie Cooper for half a million dollars. Any man who puts the fear of God into the demon in heels that is Julie Cooper should be avoided at all costs. 


21. Kevin Volchok. A drug addict and a bad driver who uses his last name as his first name. Marissa would have eventually shot him, too, if he hadn't killed her in a car crash and ruined the show forever.


20. Matt Ramsey. A totally sketchy businessman who hit on Marissa while she was still underage. Not even Sandy Cohen could put him on the path to righteousness. 


19. Grady Bridges. The Seth Cohen analogue on Summer's favorite fictional teen melodrama The Valley. Though Colin Hanks himself is pretty cute, this character made it oh-so-clear how badly the old Cohen shtick plays in the wrong hands.


18. Will Tutt. Portrayed by a baby Chris Brown, Will was a paramour of Kaitlin Cooper. Unremarkable except for the fact that he was an adorable band geek.


17. Dean Hess. As "Dean of Discipline" at the Harbor School, Dean Hess could not have been a bigger jerk. He has a nice strong jawline, though (Taylor Townsend agrees).


16. Johnny Harper. Poor, poor Johnny. If it weren't for his completely annoying, stifling crush on Marissa, he could have been in the top ten. That kind of obsession is just not cute, though. He might have a drinking problem. He is also dead.


15. Frank Atwood. Ryan's dad, also known as Hercules. What else do you need to know?


14. Eddie. Ryan's main competition for Theresa's heart. Probably would have done better if he'd taken out those stupid hoop earrings.


13. Justin. Another Kaitlin Cooper paramour, portrayed by future sparkly Twilight vampire Jackson Rathbone. He was a drug dealer, which is iffy, but his puppy dog eyes make it really easy to ignore that fact.


12. Dennis “Chili” Childress. Chili obviously cannot compete with the water polo boys when it comes to ab definition, but his sense of humor greatly adds to his appeal. You would never have to worry about Chili getting so emo that he'd drink himself to death on top of a cliff. 


11. Ché. A lovable activist, Ché is one of those dudes you date for a semester because he's cute and kind of beefy, then dump because you realize he'll never have health insurance.


10. Henri-Michel. The ex-husband of Taylor Townsend cracked the top ten for two reasons. 1) He is French and 2) he's so confident in his own sexual skill that he wrote an erotic novel about their relationship. Voulez-vous couchez avec Henri? 


9. Carter Buckley. His constant five o'clock shadow and passion for liberal politics make him quite attractive, especially to Kirsten Cohen. But he's also an alcoholic, so tread carefully. (Was everyone on this show an alcoholic?)


8. Jimmy Cooper. So he embezzled millions of his clients' dollars to pay for his daughter's alopecia-ridden pony. The man looks good in a button-down!


7. Zach Stevens. Summer tried (and failed) to replace Seth with this quasi-geeky wannabe in season two. He's certainly good-looking, but he was ultimately a little boring. A good safety pick if you're not looking for anything too serious right now.


6. Sandy Cohen. An older man, yes, but so charming! It's easy to see where Seth gets it. Plus he surfs! 


5. D.J. The abdominally blessed gardener that Marissa dated for a hot second in order to piss off her mom. Who hasn't been there? 


4. Luke Ward. Luke is the Channing Tatum of The O.C.: not the sharpest water polo ball in the Harbor School shed, but looks pretty great while wet and shirtless. Even when he made questionable life choices (sleeping with his ex-girlfriend's mom, for example), his puka shells and blond highlights could always win you over. Luke also got to utter the most iconic line of the entire series: 

3. Donnie. Who is Donnie, you ask? Only the hottest guest star to ever guest star in the history of The O.C., otherwise known as Paul Wesley (who in turn is better known today as Stefan Salvatore of The Vampire Diaries). He was Ryan's coworker at the Crab Shack, and they became fast friends in episode five when it was determined that he was from Corona, another "wrong side of the tracks" L.A. suburb that in real life is actually pretty middle-class. Donnie disappeared after he went to a party at Holly's and accidentally shot Luke — oops! — but he was SO HOT while he lasted. 

2. Seth Cohen. THAT'S RIGHT. SECOND PLACE. Here's why: the thing about Seth Cohen is that he is your dream man...until you turn 25 and realize what a douchebag this kind of dude is. Seth is the guy that when you tell him how much you love Frank Miller's Batman comics, he starts testing your arcane superhero knowledge to see if you're really a nerd. But he's just so fucking cute and witty that you put up with these little digs until you realize that there are plenty of men out there who will just straight up believe you when you say you love comic books.


1. Ryan Atwood. What is not to love about Ryan Atwood? The man makes a leather wristband look like a totally sexy, normal thing to wear. His hair is always just the right amount of artfully tousled. He loves Journey. He becomes an architect, which is the most mythical and desirable of all jobs for men. He is strong enough to carry your body back across the border when you O.D. on painkillers in Tijuana. Ryan Atwood is the hottest man in Newport Beach, and don't you ever forget it.  


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Photo credits: Everett/WB

RELATED ARTICLES:

A Definitive Ranking of 18 Hot Fictional Vampires

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The Definitive Ranking of Taylor Swift's Music Video Boyfriends


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Saturday, December 28, 2013

The Definitive Ranking of Disney Princesses

11. Snow White, Snow White
“Someday my Prince will come?” Noooo. Go to grad school.

10. Aurora, Sleeping Beauty
Pretty, but vapid. Then again, I don’t think Disney princess were allowed to have personalities pre-Beauty and The Beast. Wasn’t in the contract. Also, nobody had invented fire yet, and Pangaea was one massive supercontinent.

9. Cinderella, Cinderella
Points for being an animal lover, but I guess you’re not so much an animal lover when you’re basically just making them help you clean your stepmother’s toilets all day. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (I’ve never said it before): Woodland creatures need a workers union.

8. Rapunzel, Tangled
Feisty, but ultimately unmemorable.

7. Ariel, The Little Mermaid
It’s not really her fault that the conceit of the movie is “Men will fall in love with you even if you have never exchanged a single word of conversation,” but it still sort of gives me the icks. Also, props for hoarding.

6. Pocahontas, Pocahontas
Painting with every single color of the wind is hard. I can only paint with like half, then I get bored and go eat a sandwich. Loses points for being kind of a dick to Kocoum (RIP). There are nicer ways to tell someone you’re not into them.

5. Jasmine, Aladdin
Jasmine is cranky as hell and fetishizes poverty even as she continues to live in the Sultan’s palace and drape herself in luxurious royal cloth and stuff, which is actually very human and realistic, so points for that.

4. Belle, Beauty and The Beast
Points for literacy and ability to see inner beauty.

3. Merida, Brave
Girlfriend knows curly haired problems. Also the first confirmed badass Disney princess with nary a love interest in sight, unless you count weaponry.

2. Tiana, The Princess and The Frog
The only Disney princess who’s ever had a real job. Indentured servitude to relatives does not count. Get money, get paid.

1. Mulan, Mulan

Who isn't a sucker for the old "girl dresses up like boy to do something girls aren't allowed to do" story? It's Yentl with swordplay! But ultimately it’s Mulan’s derpiness and ineptitude as a Lady that pushes her to the top of the pile. You don't get a lot of self-aware derpiness in Disney princesses. "Reflection," in addition to being the #2 song that every 8th grade girl sang in the middle school talent show (#1 being "On My Own," naturally) is basically a ballad about how derpiness is stopping Mulan — or, if you're watching the credits, Christina Aguilera — from being a Real Woman. And who can't relate to that? Mulan is a badass who's relatable and easy to like.

What Your Favorite Disney Princess Says About Your Personality: Part 1
What Your Favorite Disney Princess Says About Your Personality: Part 2

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Photo Credit: HBO


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Thursday, December 26, 2013

The Definitive Pros and Cons of Having Small Boobs

PRO: You can get away with not wearing a bra. Sign me up for that backless dress!
CON: You still have to wear a bra most times because even though there's not much there, there's still enough going on to make being braless at work not socially acceptable.

PRO: You never have to try on shirts. If a shirt looks good on the hanger, it looks good on you. Shirt shopping is the best kind of shopping.
CON: Ugh, bikini shopping. First of all, you can only even buy bikinis sold as separates, because you're never the same size on the top and the bottom. If your top doesn't have enough padding, you look like a child. If your top has too much padding, you run the risk of what little boob you have falling out anyway.

PRO: You can wear super low-cut tops and dresses without worrying about anything falling out.
CON: You need to get a lot of dresses tailored because if they fit right on the bottom, they're usually too big on top. Separates are just generally your friend.

PRO: You don't feel like you need a bra when you're on top.
CON: Boob sex is a challenge if not downright impossible.

PRO: You can wear bras with no underwire. WAY more comfortable.
CON: You need an epic push-up bra to make any cleavage. Football players wear less padding. Also, push-up bras = not comfortable.

PRO: You can wear workout tops with built-in bras. For most exercise classes, they provide enough coverage. And they're super cute!
CON: Sports bras are the ultimate flattener. Remember that scene in Now & Then when young Roberta tapes down her boobs? Sports bras make you look like that, no tape required.

PRO: Exercising is comfortable. Boob-wise, at least. They never get in the way or feel painful bouncing around, because they don't bounce around.
CON: They stay small even when you gain weight. Bigger hips? Sure. Puffier face? Yup. Whenever you gain a few pounds, they show up literally anywhere but your boobs.

PRO: You don't have to worry about boob-related back pain or your bra straps digging into your shoulders.
CON: If you have puffy areolas, you always have to wear a bra with foam cups. Otherwise your puffy nips will show through your shirt. And that's just embarrassing.

RELATED:
21 Problems Only Girls With Big Boobs Understand
10 Things You Should Never Say to a Single Twentysomething
17 Not-So-Tiny Short People Problems

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Photo Credit: Getty Images


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