Every Time You Say “I Have More Guy Friends Because I Hate Drama,” My Vagina Dies

So you are blithely going about your business, drinking a warm can of PBR at a party and trying to avoid talking to a guy who keeps staring at your ass, and all of a sudden you hear some girl nearby saying That Thing. You know. THAT thing.

“I have a lot more guy friends because I hate drama."

Oh my sweet Christ on a cracker. This expression sends me straight to the old-school Victorian insane asylum. And here’s why. First of all, like the unspoken truth behind Real Housewife confessionals, if a woman is complaining about how much she hates all the drama between her and All Other Women, she is most likely the cause of it. Anybody who has employed the above phrase should be rushed to the hospital for their acute Teresa Giudice Disorder.

Secondly, that whole "supporting each other and sticking up for your own kind" thing — you know, just being a cool, girl-friendly girl on a basic level — is awesome. Getting a tight-knit group of female friends is the smartest thing I've ever done in my adult life, and I'd be lost without them. In a group of girls, you don't feel the social element of "tokenism" (which the above kinds of girls thrive on), and you don't have to whip out the artifice and posturing that many women feel they need around men. (And men around women, for that matter.) Female friends are also essential if you have a weird/dark sense of humor about being a girl. Jokes about potentially being barren don’t go over well with men. Believe me, I’ve tried. The hilarious woes of being female are not a laugh riot to them.

A Brief History of Women In My Life Who Have Said "I Have a Lot More Guy Friends Because I Hate Drama.".

Woman A: Gave a handjob to her self-proclaimed best friend’s boyfriend during a New Years Eve party under the covers on a futon in the basement while the rest of us (including the best friend) were asleep three inches away from them.

Woman B: Began a relationship with my office crush and avoided telling me so that she did not “hurt my feelings.” Instead, would pull my best friend at work aside so that I couldn’t hear, exclude me from plans on purpose, continue to tell literally every single person at work how sad and jealous I would be if I found out. Went on for months. When I finally found out, I was mostly relieved that my best friend from work wasn’t mad at me for some reason.

She also used to ask all the guys in the office to feel her new bra.

Are you noticing the pattern here?

Women who say this mean “I have a lot more guy friends because guys like me because I’m hot but also super-chill. Like a bro with perfect bone structure and limpid bedroom eyes. My perfect North American cantaloupe breasts and I have much difficulty sustaining healthy relationships with women.”

Even if the above is true, I am here to inform you that in addition to the above qualities, you are literally Voldemort. Every time I encounter you, I feel like running to the fictional Department of Womanity (Amy Poehler, acting president) and ratting you out for being a big stinking traitor.

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Image via MTV

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The Drama Begins...

When we got to Marni and Luke’s yesterday, Marni opened the door.

“Congratulations!” she said, giving me a hug.

“You already congratulated me,” I reminded her with a smile.

“I know, but that was over email,” she said. “Get over here, Ben!” She hugged him, hard. “You better take good care of my girl.”

“You have absolutely nothing to worry about,” he said, grinning.

Marni dragged us over to Luke, who was manning the grill, while Olivia chatted with one of her dolls on a blanket on the ground beside him. Luke gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek, and gave Ben a half-handshake/half-hug. I left the boys to the barbecue and went inside to help Marni.

“Show me this ring,” she said when we were inside. I gave her my best Vanna White, lifting my ring finger up while motioning toward it with my other hand.

“Holy crap, that’s beautiful,” she said. “Is it too late to ask Luke to get me one just like it?”

“Probably.”

While we were getting the food together, people started filing in. When Jane and David arrived, I had to show off the ring again, while Marni and Jane oohed and aahed.

“So I wanted to ask you ladies,” I began. “Would you be in my bridal party?”

“Yes!” said Jane and Marni simultaneously.

“It will probably be hard for Sarah to plan stuff from L.A.,” Marni began excitedly. “Like showers and bachelorette parties and whatnot. Jane and I can totally help with that.”

“Um…Sarah isn’t my maid of honor.”

“She isn’t?” Jane demanded. “Who is?”

Here we go, I thought.

“Jenna.”

Marni and Jane didn’t say anything. I couldn’t tell what they were reacting to – the fact that Sarah wasn’t my maid of honor, or the fact that they’d both known me much longer than Jenna. I hoped it was the former.

“Yikes,” Marni said.

“Yeah,” Jane echoed. “That’s going to be an issue.”

They didn’t seem to be mad that neither one of them was my maid of honor. I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Are you going to ask her to be a bridesmaid?” Marni asked.

“Yes.”

They both winced a little.

“I’m sure it will be fine,” Jane said, regaining her composure. “I mean, you two aren’t as close as you used to be.”

When we went back outside, Ben, Luke and Mike were standing around the grill, talking. I approached them. Mike and I gave each other a friendly greeting, and after they finished their discussion about whether or not Google+ is going to beat out Facebook, Ben and I made our way over to Jen and David.

“Mike and Luke are best friends, right?” Ben asked. I nodded. “So he has to know we’re engaged.”

“Probably.”

“Don’t you think it’s weird that he didn’t congratulate you?”

I thought about it.

“Mike’s weird, Ben,” I said. “I’m not that surprised that he didn’t say anything.”

Ben seemed mildly agitated, and even brought it up again, asking if Mike and I were Facebook friends. I confirmed that yes, Mike and I were Facebook friends, and he probably saw that we had gotten engaged, and deliberately ignored it.

It’s funny. My ex-boyfriend doesn’t acknowledge my engagement, and my fiancé is the one who’s upset. I guess weddings bring out strange emotions in people. I wonder what feelings my maid-of-honor choice will inspire in Sarah.

Posted at 10:02 AM

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