Your paycheck is bigger than his? You go, girl—and you aren't alone. "A quarter of women who work are making more than their male partners," says Carmen Wong Ulrich, a financial insider and author of The Real Cost of Living. "And it's growing." But be prepared that financial disparity can cause tension in a relationship. Here's what to look for and how to deal.
1. You're Suddenly The Breadwinner
He's used to be bringing home more bacon, but a bump up in your salary or a new career has shifted the balance. "If all of a sudden you make a lot more money, talk very openly, early, about what this means," says Ulrich, who advises coming up with a game plan on not only the division of expenses for couples living together, but also household duties. "I expect you to walk the dog, take care of the kids, whatever it is."
But most importantly, Ulrich says no matter how much, or how little, each partner is making, no one person should ever be paying entirely for all components of a household if both parties are working. "Have a system so you are both contributing to the household no matter what it is."
2. You Do It All... And We Mean All
If your full-time job is carrying your household but you're also logging major hours cleaning up/cooking/ taking care of kids, you might want to take a step back and re-evaluate the situation. "When and if children come into the mix, if both the wage earning and taking care of the kids falls onto the woman's shoulders, things can get out of whack very quickly," explains Ulrich. "Earning the money and taking care of the house and kids can get very difficult; There has to be some flexibility in these roles you're going to play."
Ulrich says with younger couples, it may not be so much of an issue of protecting egos, especially with the rise of stay-at-home dads, but once again, it's important to have these conversations early so you're not stuck trying to juggle a 60-hour week and cleaning the house after a rough work day.
3. He Makes Much Less Money
He's hot, he's funny, he's great in bed. But there's an obvious Miranda and Steve on Sex & the City situation going on, circa their relationship round one: You obviously make much more money than he does. As in, you're separated by several tax brackets.
This doesn't necessarily spell problems. As long as dating him doesn't fall into one of two categories, says Ulrich: "Does he expect you to pay because he makes less money? And how does that make you feel? Or does he insist on paying for you even though he doesn't make very much money?" says Ulrich. "These are both red flags. You want someone in between, who will be willing to say 'Hey, let's split it this time, or let me pay this time, and you can pay the next.'"
If you can tell that he isn't looking for a Sugar Mama and his ego isn't impenetrable, Ulrich says "after several dates you could have a very frank conversation" about money, making dating less of a hassle in the future.
Regardless, Ulrich shares a very important warning. "I do recommend that women don't start taking care of someone. Be careful to keep your finances fairly separate."
4. Your Friends/Family Don't Approve
The fact that he's a bartender/slightly unemployed poet/undiscovered lounge singer couldn't bother you less. Your parents and friends, on the other hand, are a different story.
"You have to be really eyes-wide-open about what's going on. Do you really respect this person? Because if you don't respect this person and they're living off of you, it's not a good situation," says Ulrich.
"You have to be very secure in the situation and the roles you're both playing, and that's the bottom line. If there's any part of you that feels bad or embarrassed, that's going to become bigger and bigger as time goes by," insists Ulrich. "All that criticism is going to make more cracks; That's something that you have to assess up front."
No matter what situation you're handling, if you're bringing in the big bucks, Ulrich has one key piece of advice she believes all women should follow: "If you're putting in more money, you never want to throw that in someone's face, like during a fight," she advises. "It can't be a point you can hold over somebody."
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