Fortunately, most of us haven’t been in a situation as extreme as Vargas-Cooper’s, but you frequently do hear about how “crazy” a guy’s ex-girlfriend was. “Yeah, she was really crazy,” he casually says, munching on a cheese fry. “Reeeeeeally nuts. Glad I’m out of that relationship!”
This is easy to believe, mostly because it's also fun to believe — to report back to your friends about his crazy ex, to check her out on Facebook and talk shit on her, and to have the consistent inner monologue that you’re so much better than that psycho-bitch he used to go out with. It’s the reason that cheated-on and cheated-with women often turn on each other instead of attacking the guy who screwed them both over. Shitting on other women where men are concerned is sort of primal and instinctive to a lot of us, and it’s deeply unappealing. We’re well past the hunting and gathering days.
The core of my argument is that the concept of “crazy,” like the concept of “needy,” is relative, and I think we all know that. Before the stalking and harassment transpired, Vargas-Cooper had heard that the woman was “crazy,” but writes, “I [knew] the value ‘crazy’ has in the currency of gossip. I know it’s a term most often applied to a female partner when she falls below the expectations of a group.”
Frankly, short of true restraining-order-for-assault craziness, oftentimes the labels of “crazy” or “needy” are applied to women who simply ask for more than the guys they’re hooking up with are willing to give them. This could range from “text me 70 times a day” to “call me on my birthday” to “acknowledge my presence when we are at a party together.” There is a very good Jezebel post about this by Tracy Moore, which lances an (old! Embarrassing!) Cosmo piece about how not to be “That Girl.” Meaning how not to come across as needy or crazy by his definition, not yours. And we all know that basing your actions entirely on how he may or may not perceive them is the primrose path to a big pile of shit.
And the end of relationships are often heated and passionate on both sides. When your relationship with this guy ends, he could be eating cheese fries with some other girl and talking about how crazy you are. As far as I'm concerned, when a guy calls his ex crazy, it should be a red flag. It's déclassé to talk shit on your ex to your current romantic prospect in the early stages of a relationship — besides, you should have more interesting, positive conversation topics than ragging on some woman who's not even at the table — and it may just reflect more on him than her.
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