1. "Oooh, you're getting BIG." (In a terrible singsongy voice.)
You're probably just referring to my belly, which really is getting big. There's a baby in there, and she might become the president or marry Prince George or be a ballerina, or all three, and it's wonderful! But pregnant people already feel large, because they're actually two people. So as a golden rule, just avoid the word "big" and let the words "tiny" and "Gisele" flow freely.
2. "So… how much have you gained?"
Some people actually think a fun conversation topic would be disclosing how much weight you've gained. In what world?! I fully understand that a healthy pregnancy means gaining weight. But that doesn't mean I am excited about disclosing the precise numerical value of my all-time high number on the scale like some sort of reverse Biggest Loser finale.
3. [Leaving an emoji whale as a comment on one of my Instagrams.]
My brother did this recently, as a joke. Although I actually found it hilarious, as the whale emoji is underused, I still wouldn't advise it, generally speaking.
4. "Is that for YOU?" (While gazing at my beer.)
Yes, hostess at brunch, this apple-flavored craft beer is for me. It's one of the occasional beers I feel completely comfortable drinking, thanks to my doctor and various studies… and the fact that my grandmother drank occasional beers while pregnant with seven different children and they're all totally fine. Based on your condescending stare, you'd think I was Betty Draper resting a martini on my belly and smoking a cigarette. I'm saving that for post-birth, y'all!
5. "I really hope you're being careful."
So said a condescending fellow rider after spin class. Then, through gritted teeth, added, "because I had some complications." As much as I value advice from perfect strangers about my health — oh wait, I don't care at all about advice from perfect strangers about my health. I'm spinning with the support of my doctor —the same way runners continue to run and yogis namaste onward while pregnant. So just let us big bitches be.
6. "You look ready."
This is the pregnancy equivalent of telling someone they look "tired," which is the equivalent of telling someone they have gray skin and dark circles, and generally look like shit.
7. "Just (sleep/go to dinner/go to the movies/go on vacation) NOW while you still have the chance!"
I know people are just trying to be helpful and encourage me to really enjoy the freedom of not having a baby yet. But it's still annoying to imply that my husband and I will NEVER sleep/go to dinner/go to the movies or go on vacation EVER AGAIN IN OUR LIVES. I know I'll love my baby big time, but I also know that I will have no problem leaving her at her grandma's for the weekend sometimes while we sleep/go to dinner/go to the movies/go on vacation.
8. "So… was it planned?"
This is almost as bad as asking someone if they had been "trying." Especially coming from old people, these are awkward veiled questions about a pregnant person's private sex and birth control habits. Which is to say: Ew. Just because someone is with child does not make these queries suddenly comfortable.
9. "If cavewomen gave birth without drugs, so can you."
This gem came courtesy of a lovely birthing class teacher who held up a droopy ski hat to illustrate what the uterus looks like. Anyway, I am aware that women have been giving birth — without epidurals — since time immemorial. But the same women also walked around with untreated broken legs and toothaches and died at age 35 because modern medicine didn't exist. Now that it does, I plan to take full advantage! I have great, non-cavewoman friends who gave birth naturally and that's awesome for them — but it's a personal choice and we shouldn't tell each other what to do with our droopy hats.
10. "You should really breastfeed — for a full year."
Breast-is-best-shaming is at an all-time high right now. Not long ago, a person who I previously didn't know was dumb said that she read that feeding a baby formula is like giving him or her a cigarette. I haven't looked it up, but that that can't be true, because I was formula-fed and grew up to work at Cosmo. A woman's decision to breastfeed or formula feed — whether for a full year or not — is hers alone. Pregnant ladies are creating a new human life — we probably don't need any added pressure about what to do after that.
11. "So you're going back to work full time, huh? Couldn't you go back part-time or something?"
Suggesting to a pregnant person that going back to work full-time means she already sucks as a mom, before she is even a mom, is a low blow. I guess technically I could "go to part-time or something" — if that's what I wanted to do. But what I want to do is go back full-time… so that's what I'm doing. But I will probably cry the first week I drop my baby off at daycare, if that makes you feel any better!
12. The word "pop."
"OMG you popped over vacation." "I can't wait for you to pop." "Welp, you finally popped!" Thinking of one's body as "popping" just reminds me of Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka inflating to become a human blueberry before… popping. Again, even if it's a lie, err on the safe side and just stick to: "You look tiny."
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Photo Credit: Universal Pictures
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Korin Miller
Michelle Ruiz
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Elisa Benson