Are We Seriously Still Judging Women Who Want to Get Married?

Hairpin writer Jia Tolentino has a bone to pick with the year 2013, for it was the year she attended 18 weddings. She writes that "18 weddings is so many weddings that the words start to shift in meaning. Eighteen is now an adjective that means too many. Wedding, a noun that means too much." What follows is a self-indulgent critique of the institution of marriage, the tradition of weddings, and the women who want to become wives. Though it's difficult to draw one conclusion from her arguments, which make hairpin (yes, went there) turns at nearly every paragraph, there is this:

18 women, 18 brides. 18 capable, wonderful, educated, privileged, professional, socially aware female humans enthusiastically plunging into an institution that holds about as much interest for me as a bag of playground rocks (some! Not much, though) and whose associated totems have historically represented the diminishment and commodification of a gender that needs to get more of either as much as we need a swift punch in the face. I understand easily why a man would want a wife; it's harder to for me to grasp why a woman would want to be one. The language and semiotics of marriage are terrible: we’re still proposed to, our cervical fealty insured by a ring, our fathers give us away to our fuck buddies, we erase and replace our own names. The preferred aesthetic for "bride" is still very close to that of "princess," a role so passive and empty that there's not even anything there to subvert.

I'm getting married next summer. According to Tolentino, this means I am diminishing myself as a woman, and turning myself into someone who can be bought with a diamond ring. But here's the thing: I'm not marrying my fiance because he gave me a ring or because I want to dress and act like a thoughtless, trussed-up princess for a day. I'm marrying him because marriage is a meaningful and incredibly worthwhile demonstration of our love for one another. It is also a demonstration of our desire to live out our lives and raise children together. The wedding that kicks it off allows us to celebrate our union with our closest friends and family — something that's as important to many of our loved ones as it is to us. Of course we want to show our guests a nice weekend that shows how much we care about not only each other, but also them.

But what really troubles me about Tolentino's post is that to assume marriage represents societal repression is to assume a pervasive helplessness among women. Marriage is no longer a retro institution that leaves women sitting around doing housework and feeding the children while a man goes off and earns all the money and enjoys all the world's viable intellectual stimulation. Women are anything but feeble Betty Drapers these days. We may not be fully equal to men in some unfortunate ways (we still don't earn a full dollar to theirs), but we certainly haven't given up the fight and are even making awesome strides: women now earn more college degrees than men and are close to overtaking men as the primary breadwinners in their households. My fiance and I are equals in our relationship, and that won't disappear the second we say "I do." I work just as much as does, and I know that when we have children, he'll be an equal caretaker in the relationship. When faced with choosing a city to live in after he finished graduate school, we picked New York because it offers the best opportunities for my career.

I have to wonder how Tolentino would respond to gay activists who have been fighting for decades for this country to give them the same legal recognition as heterosexual couples, or who rush to the steps of city hall the moment their state legalizes gay marriage. Marriage is many things: it is work, it is commitment, it is even a tax break. But most important, it's one way to make a life more meaningful.

The choice to marry and have a fun traditional wedding to inaugurate it hardly undoes the work of the feminist or post-feminist movements. Indeed, I would argue that it strengthens it — women marrying today know that marriage won't subvert them. It's dangerous to turn a fear of commitment into an argument that it does.

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Will a Married Couple Be the First to Have Space Sex?

Korin Miller
Korin is the site director for Cosmopolitan.com. She loves uncovering cool new research and learning more about what makes guys tick. Outside the Cosmo office, you can find her running with her dog, trying to convince friends to go to karaoke bars, and watching as much reality TV as humanly possible. Hit her up on Twitter: @korinmiller
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Michelle Ruiz
Michelle is the news editor for Cosmopolitan.com. She's obsessed with interviewing celebrities and spotting the latest pop culture trends. Her life highlights include chatting with Ryan Gosling about sex dolls, dancing on stage at the Oprah show, and shopping with her mom on Long Island. Tweet her: @michelleruiz
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Dara Adeeyo
Dara is the associate web editor for Cosmopolitan.com. She's intrigued by all things digital. Dara loves playing with html and discovering new studies. When she's not reading up on the latest cocktail recipes (for work, of course), she can be found breaking it down on the dance floor or watching the Investigative Discovery channel. She also has a sick obsession with nail polish, elephants, and most importantly, Nutella. Dara basically lives on Twitter, so tweet at her and say hey: @dadeeyo.
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Elisa Benson
Elisa Benson is the senior editor of social media for @Cosmopolitan?so, yes, she tweets about sex for a living. Elisa grew up in Ohio, attended Colgate University, and wrote love and relationship advice for Seventeen before graduating to Cosmo. She lives for girly things (weddings and eyelash extensions and Pretty Little Liars?) and frequently tweets about all of the above: @elisabenson.
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"I Married My Rebound"

When Jared and I first met, I'd just gone through a bad, out-of-the-blue breakup. After a year of living together, I thought this guy was The One, and he thought not.

I couldn't understand why he didn't want to be with me. Me! I was great; I was pretty; I was smart (and had parents who'd obviously instilled a healthy sense of self-confidence). I truly thought that if you worked hard enough, you could get whatever you wanted: a great job, the boyfriend you desired. But in one moment, he upended my lifelong belief.

For weeks, I moped around my apartment, crying in the shower, uninterested in food, basically living a rom-com cliché. When I saw my parents, my dad told me I "should eat a couple of bagels," and my mom said she'd never liked my ex in the first place (thanks for telling me now, Mom).

Soon after, I asked friends to set me up. "I know someone, but he's a player," one warned. I didn't want anything serious, so this sounded perfect.

Jared, it turned out, was not at all a player...at least not with me. Drinks became dinners, and dinners turned into Sundays binge-watching The Wire. He was unassuming and sweet, called when he said he would, and after a month, said he wanted to date exclusively. So I broke up with him.

I wasn't over my ex, I told him, and wasn't in the right frame of mind for another boyfriend. Here was a guy who wanted to commit to me, who'd decided that I was great, pretty, and smart (and by the way, I thought he was all these things too). And yet I pushed him away, still pining for a man who didn't love me. I lay in bed that night, mad at myself for wanting what I couldn't have.

A few days later, Jared called. "I know you need space," he said, "but I like you too much to never see you again." "Okay," I thought. So long as he knows my mindset. We dated casually for a few months, really getting to know each other.

Even though I think I'm great, I know I'm not perfect: I'm a hypochondriac, I can be insensitive, and I'm a pretty anxious person. Jared, who grew up in Oklahoma, had this calming sense of self-confidence and a kind of openness I found appealing. Also, he didn't care that I was always feeling my pulse to make sure my heart was still beating. He even found it endearing.

My mom always told me that one of the things she loved most about my dad was that he thought she was the greatest thing on earth. "Look at your mother," he'd say when they were getting ready to go out. "She's always the most beautiful woman in the room." After the initial sting of my breakup wore off, I saw my relationship with my ex more clearly: I'd felt him pulling away, so I pushed for it to work. I'd felt afraid, so I dug in. But now, I was thinking less about him and more about this new guy, the one who accepted my quirks, who thought I was the most beautiful woman in the room.

Jared and I never talked again about being exclusive—we just were. And eventually that heavy feeling of rejection faded away like steam on a mirror. I still think that if you work hard enough, you can get whatever you want. It's just a matter of wanting the right things.

A few months ago, as I was about to walk down the aisle to marry Jared, my mom pulled me aside and whispered, "You're going to have a great marriage." Once again, I think she's right.

Photo Credit: Belathée Photography

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We Married Ourselves on a Mountaintop

On Dec. 13, 2012, I took a deep breath and told the world via Facebook status update that my fiancé, Steve, and I, had eloped.

"I did this really sneaky thing yesterday," I said. "I married my best friend. On a mountain. In the cold. Just us two!!!"

"There’s this funny thing you can do here in Colorado," I continued, as 144 "likes" started popping up. "You can marry yourselves. No priest, no rabbi, no justice of the peace, no witnesses. Just you and the person you love."

Steve and I got together 10 years—to the day—before our mountaintop marriage on 12/12/12. We met the very first day of college at New York University, and were soon friends. I thought he was handsome but strange, largely due to him wearing Hawaiian shirts every day (even though he's from New Jersey, not far from my hometown in Long Island.)

We were both a little quirky and looking for adventure in the big city. I'm the type of person to spontaneously chop all of my hair into a pixie cut; Steve's a dedicated wrestler who wanted to be a mountain man and live in a log cabin. (He’d eventually get his chance.)

We fell in love while eating our way through New York City, but being serious in college was hard. We separated when I went abroad to Italy in my sophomore year, got back together, then split again when he moved to Florida after graduation. We dated other people here and there, but never found the sort of love we had with each other. We were back together in New York and doing great in 2010, when the company where I work as a project manager announced they were relocating to Boulder, Colo.

Steve told me the decision was mine to make on my own. He didn’t want me to keep my life in New York for him. It was tough, but I felt really empowered by the opportunity, and I decided to go. But I was also nervous, because I thought my relationship with Steve could possibly end. I wanted him to come too, and do his mountain man thing, but I knew moving across the country was a lot to expect from someone with roots planted firmly in New York.

Little did I know that as I headed out to Boulder, he was shopping for an engagement ring. Steve moved out, and together in Colorado, we found new adventures, like hot air ballooning and snowboarding. We hit the ground running at work, and because it was so busy, relaxation was my only focus when we took an impromptu weekend trip to San Francisco.

The weather was pretty miserable as we were climbing down under the Golden Gate Bridge to take photos. Steve asked me to pull out my camera and take some shots of him alone. I started snapping away, and Steve started sweating. He began saying some really nice things. The photos I was taking show him sequentially fidgeting around, getting down on one knee, and proposing. I yelled in disbelief as the cars whizzed by on the bridge, snapping pictures of us instead.

We'd never been happier, but I felt overwhelmed by the idea of planning a wedding. As a project manager/producer, I plan things all day, every day for my job. The thought of coming home and doing that for us just exhausted me. In our families, the big catering hall wedding was the norm, but that didn't feel right for us. For two more years, our families asked us if we were ever going to do it already?!

Things shifted last Thanksgiving, after an emotional visit in Atlanta with my Nana, who was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. It was the first time I'd been away from Steve for a long-ish period of time, and I really missed him. When I got back, we started talking about getting married on 12/12/12. We realized the fancy date was our 10-year anniversary, and, bonus: He'd never forget it!

I honestly don’t remember where I heard that we could marry ourselves, but I confirmed it at the Clerk and Recorder in our town of Louisville, Co. We couldn't think of a more stress-free, truly beautiful way of joining our lives together. On the wedding day, we woke up, threw on jeans and sweaters, grabbed coffee at our favorite place overlooking the Foothills, went out to a delicious brunch, and waited in line for our marriage certificate.

It was clear and a beautiful 55 degrees when we hiked up to a gorgeous stone amphitheater overlooking Boulder Valley. We were alone, just us two, when we exchanged our vows. It was perfect! My version of the bouquet toss? Throwing my flowers off the mountain.

When we Skyped with our parents to deliver the news, I don't know that I’ve ever been so nervous in my life. My mom always said she's break my legs if we eloped. After their tears cleared, both my parents were smiling. We did it our way, and they would celebrate with us back in New York this summer, where we will exchange rings and smaller traditions that we saved for our families and close friends.

A lot of people have been asking me what it feels like to finally be married. I’d say it was like knotting a bow - finally complete.

— As told to Michelle Ruiz

Photos courtesy of Danielle and Steve Hult.

Would you ever consider eloping? Shout us out in the comments.

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Are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Married?

Korin Miller
Korin is the site director for Cosmopolitan.com. She loves uncovering cool new research and learning more about what makes guys tick. Outside the Cosmo office, you can find her running with her dog, trying to convince friends to go to karaoke bars, and watching as much reality TV as humanly possible.
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Michelle Ruiz
Michelle is the news editor for Cosmopolitan.com. She's obsessed with interviewing celebrities and spotting the latest pop culture trends. Her life highlights include chatting with Ryan Gosling about sex dolls, dancing on stage at the Oprah show, and shopping with her mom on Long Island. Tweet her: @michelleruiz
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Dara Adeeyo
Dara is the web assistant for Cosmopolitan.com. She's intrigued by all things digital. Dara loves playing with html and discovering new studies. When she's not reading up on the latest cocktail recipes (for work, of course), she can be found breaking it down on the dance floor or watching the Investigative Discovery channel. She also has a sick obsession with nail polish, elephants, and most importantly, Nutella. Dara basically lives on Twitter, so tweet at her and say hey: @dadeeyo.
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Elisa Benson
Elisa Benson is the senior editor of social media for @Cosmopolitan?so, yes, she tweets about sex for a living. Elisa grew up in Ohio, attended Colgate University, and wrote love and relationship advice for Seventeen before graduating to Cosmo. She lives for girly things (weddings and eyelash extensions and Pretty Little Liars?) and frequently tweets about all of the above: @elisabenson.
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The Weird Predictor of Whether You'll Get Married

File this under random: New research claims that when you had sex for the first time is a predictor of how likely you are to get hitched.

Scientists at the University of Texas at Austin analyzed the sexual habits of 1,659 people aged 16 to 29, and broke them into groups: Those who had sex at an early age (younger than 15 years old), on time (15 to 19), and late (older than 19).

Researchers discovered that people who traded in their V-cards later in life had a higher education and a higher income when they were adults than people in the other two groups. But they were also less likely to be married and dated less as adults than the other groups.

The people who were in the later group who got married also had lower levels of relationship satisfaction.

Um, what? Scientists think a few things could be at play: People who waited longer to have sex might be pickier and might not have as much to compare their partners with since they haven't dated as much (and then might not know how good they have it).

Of course, plenty of people who waited to have sex have happy relationships and marriages, and plenty of people who had sex at an early age end up making a great salary.

What do you think of this study?

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Would You Get Married a la Blake Lively?

In case you haven't heard, former Cosmo cover girl Blake Lively and Green Lantern hottie Ryan Reynolds got hitched in a secret wedding ceremony this weekend.

According to reports, the couple of a year tied the knot in front of 70 people on a plantation in Mt. Pleasant, S.C. This is the first marriage for Blake, 25, and the second for Ryan, 35, who married Scarlett Johansson in a secret ceremony in 2008 (they divorced in 2010).

We definitely see the benefit of an over-the-top, Kim Kardashian-style wedding when you get hitched because, if all goes well, you only do it once, and you might as well make it good. But there's also something cool about keeping it intimate and under the radar.

What do you guys think—would you ever get married on the DL?

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The wedding of the year: Kate Moss gets married!

It's official: Miss Moss is now Mrs Hince after the supermodel tied the knot with her rockstar fiancé, Jamie Hince over the weekend.

Kate walked down the aisle wearing one of the most highly-anticipated dresses of the year - a vintage-style cream dress and matching veil designed by Kate's close friend (and controversial designer) John Galliano. As for her shoes, Manolo Blahnik designed a special pair of heels with a custom blue insole for Kate's traditional 'something blue'.

Kate's hubby Jamie looked every inch the brooding rockstar, decked out in a light blue Stefano Pilati for YSL suit and signature shades.

The happy couple's bridal party rivalled that of the Royal Wedding, with 14 young bridesmaids in white chiffon dresses and matching ballet flats, while Kate's maid-of-honour and former casting agent Jess Hallett wore blue Stella McCartney.

The wedding dress was just the first of many costume changes for the stylish star, who donned a Stella McCartney oyster silk chiffon dress for her first dance as a married woman, before slipping into a micro-mini bodycon dress for the afterparty. At the conclusion of the three-day wedding reception, Kate will also wear another Stella McCartney creation - a three-piece off-white wool suit for her going away outfit.

So who was there to watch Kate and Jamie say their I do's? It was a who's who of the fashion and music industry with Sadie Frost, Jude Law, Stella McCartney, Naomi Campbell, John Galliano, James Brown and Bobby Gillespie on the guest list.

Congrats Kate and Jamie! See all the snaps of the happy bride and groom here, then tell us what you think of the dress below.

Wedding jewelry here