1. Language barriers can make a relationship more complicated than necessary. As evidenced by the inability of Sharleen and Juan Pablo to communicate, unless you count makeouts.
2. The emotions that come out when you are shitfaced are occasionally not sane. Everyone on the show is pretty much drunk all the time, but Drunk Victoria, the Ghost of Episode 2, had too much white wine and turned into a minor character in Girl, Interrupted. Know your limits! Don't get so drunk you turn sad-drunk!
3. If the spark isn’t there for you, end it with the person rather than falling into one of those lifeless dead fish relationships because you’re emotionally lazy. Sharleen, you did the right thing by peacing.
4. Women criticizing other women’s ability to be “good moms” is gross and awful. Watching 24-year-old (!!!) Chelsie say that Sharleen would not be as good a stepmom as she would gave me bad chills. This is 2014. We know that cigarettes are bad for us and that future-mom-shaming should not happen.
5. When someone is dumb, homophobic, and sexist, it cancels out his hotness completely. I am not attracted to Juan Pablo. Not even when he takes his shirt off. Makes you realize that you’re not entirely superficial, doesn’t it?
6. Those hippie headbands have to stop being worn by any human being on the planet immediately. Oh my God, just stop, you’re not at Coachella.
7. Hobbiton gets the bitches damp. Or at least they pretend it does.
8. Beware of someone who sleeps with you and then slut-shames you for it. That Madonna/Whore complex is alive and well. And Clare should have jammed that rose in his eye.
9. A helpful code word for “sex” is “swimming.” “But when we went swimming I thought it meant something.” “We should not have had unprotected swimming.”
10. You should never beg for besitos. Oh God, watching Lauren cling like a barnacle to Juan Pablo and beg him to make out with her, was like reliving every humiliating, unreciprocated experience I have ever had with a guy.
11. Working with kids for a living doesn’t necessarily make you a sweetheart. Nikki the pediatric nurse actually has a pretty bad attitude, even though you’d think taking a trip to CancerKidville every day would make you appreciate life a little more.
12. The best people don't always win, but everyone loves them anyway, so it's worth it. Renee, the unofficial House Mom, was warm and caring to the other women in the house, even though they were her competitors. She was also the only one who didn’t completely bug out when Juan Pablo surprised the women with breakfast before they put their makeup on. Unfortunately, in the words of Chappelle’s Show, sometimes keeping it real goes wrong.
13. Don’t start a fight you can’t win. When Clare goes upstairs to confront Nikki, she doesn’t really have a reason.
14. Don’t just look for someone who would fit into your life well — look for someone you really love. This comes courtesy of Nikki’s dad, who may have weirdly intense eyes and looks like a Republican senator who would end all of his speeches with “And before I forget, I’d like to thank Jesus” but has a valid point.
15. The crazy always comes from somewhere. Before you judge that needy, clingy girl your friend just started dating, remember that she might come from a family of 7,000 bitchy older sisters and a mom who lets them walk all over her. And her name might be Clare. Cut her a break.
16. Sometimes you just shouldn’t listen to your family’s advice about your love life. See above.
17. If a guy’s bored when he does normal, everyday things with you, he’s not right for you in the long-term. The majority of one-on-one dates on The Bachelor involve an exotic locale, a private country-singer concert, an adrenaline-pumping physical challenge or sitting down to some over-the-top romantic dinner while a swan pukes diamonds into your mouth. The fact that Juan Pablo seemed disinterested when he spent a quiet afternoon with Renee at her son’s Little League game did not bode well for the future.
18. Nothing good ever happens when Americans are in Vietnam. Casual sex goes bad! Unnecessary wars begin! Really, nothing good.
19. The best pedicure utilizes teeny flesh-eating fish. Imagine if that was provided at your next bachelorette mani-pedi outing.
20. “It’s OK” is usually the most irritating, non-okay response to an angry person’s concerns. Andi discovered this after realizing that Juan Pablo was a self-involved jerk in the Fantasy Suite: When she confronted him about her change of heart, and why she didn’t think he was the guy for her, his only response were patronizing non-statements like “It’s OK.” The worst!
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Photo Credit: Getty
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