20 Life Lessons From This Season Of 'The Bachelor'

1. Language barriers can make a relationship more complicated than necessary. As evidenced by the inability of Sharleen and Juan Pablo to communicate, unless you count makeouts.

2. The emotions that come out when you are shitfaced are occasionally not sane. Everyone on the show is pretty much drunk all the time, but Drunk Victoria, the Ghost of Episode 2, had too much white wine and turned into a minor character in Girl, Interrupted. Know your limits! Don't get so drunk you turn sad-drunk!

3. If the spark isn’t there for you, end it with the person rather than falling into one of those lifeless dead fish relationships because you’re emotionally lazy. Sharleen, you did the right thing by peacing.

4. Women criticizing other women’s ability to be “good moms” is gross and awful. Watching 24-year-old (!!!) Chelsie say that Sharleen would not be as good a stepmom as she would gave me bad chills. This is 2014. We know that cigarettes are bad for us and that future-mom-shaming should not happen.

5. When someone is dumb, homophobic, and sexist, it cancels out his hotness completely. I am not attracted to Juan Pablo. Not even when he takes his shirt off. Makes you realize that you’re not entirely superficial, doesn’t it?

6. Those hippie headbands have to stop being worn by any human being on the planet immediately. Oh my God, just stop, you’re not at Coachella.

7. Hobbiton gets the bitches damp. Or at least they pretend it does.

8. Beware of someone who sleeps with you and then slut-shames you for it. That Madonna/Whore complex is alive and well. And Clare should have jammed that rose in his eye.

9. A helpful code word for “sex” is “swimming.” “But when we went swimming I thought it meant something.” “We should not have had unprotected swimming.”

10. You should never beg for besitos. Oh God, watching Lauren cling like a barnacle to Juan Pablo and beg him to make out with her, was like reliving every humiliating, unreciprocated experience I have ever had with a guy.

11. Working with kids for a living doesn’t necessarily make you a sweetheart. Nikki the pediatric nurse actually has a pretty bad attitude, even though you’d think taking a trip to CancerKidville every day would make you appreciate life a little more.

12. The best people don't always win, but everyone loves them anyway, so it's worth it. Renee, the unofficial House Mom, was warm and caring to the other women in the house, even though they were her competitors. She was also the only one who didn’t completely bug out when Juan Pablo surprised the women with breakfast before they put their makeup on. Unfortunately, in the words of Chappelle’s Show, sometimes keeping it real goes wrong.

13. Don’t start a fight you can’t win. When Clare goes upstairs to confront Nikki, she doesn’t really have a reason.

14. Don’t just look for someone who would fit into your life well — look for someone you really love. This comes courtesy of Nikki’s dad, who may have weirdly intense eyes and looks like a Republican senator who would end all of his speeches with “And before I forget, I’d like to thank Jesus” but has a valid point.

15. The crazy always comes from somewhere. Before you judge that needy, clingy girl your friend just started dating, remember that she might come from a family of 7,000 bitchy older sisters and a mom who lets them walk all over her. And her name might be Clare. Cut her a break.

16. Sometimes you just shouldn’t listen to your family’s advice about your love life. See above.

17. If a guy’s bored when he does normal, everyday things with you, he’s not right for you in the long-term. The majority of one-on-one dates on The Bachelor involve an exotic locale, a private country-singer concert, an adrenaline-pumping physical challenge or sitting down to some over-the-top romantic dinner while a swan pukes diamonds into your mouth. The fact that Juan Pablo seemed disinterested when he spent a quiet afternoon with Renee at her son’s Little League game did not bode well for the future.

18. Nothing good ever happens when Americans are in Vietnam. Casual sex goes bad! Unnecessary wars begin! Really, nothing good.

19. The best pedicure utilizes teeny flesh-eating fish. Imagine if that was provided at your next bachelorette mani-pedi outing.

20. “It’s OK” is usually the most irritating, non-okay response to an angry person’s concerns. Andi discovered this after realizing that Juan Pablo was a self-involved jerk in the Fantasy Suite: When she confronted him about her change of heart, and why she didn’t think he was the guy for her, his only response were patronizing non-statements like “It’s OK.” The worst!

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Photo Credit: Getty

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Lessons I Learned When My Fiancé Filmed Porn

It’s a foggy, grey afternoon in June — the one month out of the year that you can’t count on sunshine in LA. My fiancé Robbie and I are hanging out in his room before meeting his mom and stepdad for dinner. Robbie’s convinced me that it’s a good idea to watch an episode of Webdreams, season one. It makes sense to see what he’s actually going to be filming rather than imagine it, is the thinking.

It’s been about a week since he said yes to the job offer — “Yes, I will film porn stars in all manner of crude encounters. No, I won’t pop a boner.” I’m still adjusting. And by adjusting, I mean stifling the discomfort that emerges every time the new job is mentioned. I can’t even think about what this anxiety is, why it exists; all I can do is stuff it down. Swallow hard. I’d prefer not to think or talk about it. But the consensus so far is that people think a job filming porn stars is something to talk about. Basically, the topic comes up a lot. And each time, I perfect my poker face: a look of bemused disinterest. A look, come to think of it, perfected by porn stars.

So it is that Robbie and I are lying next to each other — all lanky, six-feet-two inches of him alongside the wee five-feet-two of me. We watch a hot brunette get busy with a busty blonde on his fifteen-inch laptop. There’s a bright pink dildo involved. The blonde reclines on a bed with her double d’s splayed apart — as much as silicon splays, that is — and moans. They’ve been at it for a while (about twelve decades, in my estimation) and the blonde is having trouble cumming, or rather squirting — which I’ve just learned is an unfortunate colloquialism that evokes mustard bottles but actually means “female ejaculation.”

Alternatively, Robbie tells me, it’s sometimes called gushing — a word that, like moist and panties, also makes me want to wretch bile. The brunette cheers the blonde on in a sexy-meets-soccer-coach voice: “Yeah, that’s it! Cum for me, baby!!” And a very long two minutes later, she does, like a stream emerging from a wide-mouthed cherub on a Venetian fountain, or a fire hose turned on a blazing building, or the gas pumps spraying in Zoolander. You get the point. I shift uncomfortably, uncrossing and recrossing my legs.

“No way that’s real,” I state unequivocally, glancing over at Robbie to gauge his level of interest. His blue-grey eyes stare straight ahead. The deep crow’s feet that belie his twenty-seven years of age are fixed in a forced, neutral expression.

“I’ve heard it is...” he says.

“Nah, she has a water balloon up there. See, this is what I mean about my suspension of disbelief, it always kills the mood for me.”

“Maybe watching this wasn’t the best idea.” He hits Pause on the show, which is now following another set of characters — a woman and her husband, who stars in gay porn. But forget that for a minute, I still have my mind on the dog-and-pony show I’ve just seen performed. How have I managed to live nearly thirty years of my life and never hear of this? And why, again, is it coming up (or, yikes, squirting out!) now?

Just yesterday we sat on the lawn at Robbie’s film school and listened to David Lynch and Sean Connery proffer up wisdom to the graduating class of aspiring filmmakers. They didn’t mention that the bang bus was about to arrive with gainful employment. No, Sean Connery wore a kilt in the pomp and circumstance (much to the titillation of many a proud mother). He spoke of bright futures. And to be fair, landing a job filming a network-level reality TV show right out of the gates is no small thing. Even if it is a job that requires Robbie to trail porn stars in their daily lives — noshing low-cal lunches, hoofing it down to the tanning salon, and yes, filming all number of sex acts. And so here we are, discussing whether or not squirting — curse the gerund — is real. (Eventually I’ll realize that it is sort of like debating whether Pamela Anderson has had a boob job. Anyway, live and learn.)

“So, you’ve obviously seen this before,” I say, with the same not so subtly suspicious tone Oprah used when she interviewed Jenna Jameson.

“Yeah,” he says. “Lots of it?” I push, and quickly regret my Inquisition-style approach.

“Nah.”

I fill in the silence, softening my tone to try to sound more curious and interested instead of judgmental: “So... you think it’s sexy?”

“Um,” he says, “I guess having a visual of a girl’s orgasm is pretty hot.”

“Right, I can sort of see that,” I say, wondering why every time I try to sound open and accepting it comes out like I’d been sucking back helium. “Because you guys usually just have moans and facial expressions to go on.”

“Right.”

“And so getting splashed in the face with a bucket of pee is rewarding, in that sense.” There, I said it. I couldn’t help myself.

“It’s not pee!”

“Uh huh, so you say.”

“It’s really not pee.”

“Right, prove it then!” I mean to say this playfully, but it comes out sounding defensive. I then realize he’ll actually have plenty of opportunities to provide evidence.

Excerpted from Prude: Lessons I Learned When My Fiancé Filmed Porn by Emily Southwood. Available from Seal Press, a member of the Perseus Books Group. Copyright 2013.

Author photo © Robert Vroom

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Love Lessons From Super Tight Celeb Couples

Love Lesson You Can Learn From Them: Have each other’s back.

Angie manages the home front when Brad’s busy with long movie shoots and press junkets, and Brad happily repays the favor. Pitt said to Parade, “One of the greatest, smartest things I ever did was give my kids Angie as their mom. Oh, man, I’m so happy to have her. With a partner like Angie, I know that when I’m working, the kids are happy, safe and prospering. And when Angie’s working, she knows she has the same.”

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