A Guy On <i>Girls</i>: Going Out with a Bang

Bird do it; bees do it; even Shoshanna does it (in a zipped hoodie, which is usually something of a red flag for the other participating party). It’s the season finale of "Girls," y’all, and everyone’s using the occasional as an excuse to get freeakaayyy.

Well, except for Hannah. Hannah’s too busy fielding phone calls from her litigious e-publisher and eating tubs of Cool Whip and giving herself a haircut that makes her look like that Rachel Dratch "SNL" character with the baby arm growing out of her head. But everyone else is getting busy—in the saddest way possible, of course.

Charlie’s newfound oral skills make Marnie wonder how many women he’s been with since they broke up; Adam’s return to conventional sex just makes him want to bang his head (which he does repeatedly on the headboard); and Ray is rebuffed by a decidedly overdressed Shosh with the classic line, “Will you get out of me?” The answer to that question is rarely “No.”

Unless you’re Adam. Am I the only one confused by how quickly "Girls" glossed over Adam’s rapey-ness last episode? I guess if the girl you’re with doesn’t dig nonconsensual pop shots then she’s just not the dirty little whore for you.

And how does that square with the weird, rom-com-y final montage that finds Adam running shirtless through Brooklyn to be by Hannah’s side? Should we assume he gave her a heartfelt donkey punch after the credits rolled? I saw Hugh Grant do that once in "Notting Hill’s" unrated DVD extras. That guy is so smooth.

If Adam really cared, he would have taken a cab. And, by the way, do you have to wear a shirt to ride the subway? Has Mayor Bloomberg addressed this? It probably falls into some gray, “frowned upon” territory, but it might also be a great way to snag a seat during the morning rush hour and/or ensure you always know which Craigslist Missed Connections posts are about you.

As far as season finales go, this one was pretty blah. Charlie and Marnie end up together, Ray trades Latin Studies for a classy, Brooklyn Heights coffee shop, Hannah doesn’t finish (start?) her book, Jessa doesn’t even bother to answer her phone (who can blame her?), and the ex-junkie Laird slings a sharp zinger about the dark scene inside Hannah’s head.

But it’s Shosh who eulogizes this season better than anyone while breaking up with the interminably bleak Ray: “Maybe I can deal with your black soul better when I’m older, but I can’t handle it now. So maybe you just have to go change and then we can be in love at another time.”

"Girls"—maybe. But one of us is going to have to change if this thing is going to last.

For more musings from David, follow him on Twitter.

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When Did Charlie on <I>Girls</I> Get So Damn Sexy?

It’s not clothes that make the men. It’s confidence... (voluminous hair and scruff don't hurt, either.)

In the first season of HBO’s Girls, Marnie’s (Allison Williams') boyfriend Charlie (Christopher Abbott) is an overly sensitive, under-confident twentysomething. Not only does he fail to turn Marnie on, he even failed to turn me on despite his obvious good looks and sweet demeanor. In other words, he was the let’s-just-be-friends guy.

But this season, he’s basically a baller, thanks to the success of his hilarious don't-call-your-ex app, Forbid, inspired by his breakup.

A story in today's New York Times makes the case that Charlie’s change in clothing—swapping out plaid shirts and cardigans for skinny jeans and button downs—shows his transformation from "a lovesick loser to confident Web entrepreneur and sex symbol." But I’d argue that it’s a lot more than a tight pair of pants that boost Charlie into eligible-bachelor zone. (Clearly Marnie agrees as she couldn't resist getting it on the end of the episode).

Above all else: It’s about confidence. In season one, Charlie is so fixated on pleasing Marnie, it’s impossible not to find him annoying. In contrast with Marnie’s brazen approach to work and relationships, he’s emasculated. These days, he's secure—not to mention surrounded by attractive women who work for him. He’s at the top of the heap—the powerful brains behind the hip, young company. And taking all this in stride, he’s composed without being cocky.

Bonus: Good hair. In season one, Charlie went from clean-cut to buzz cut. By season two, he’s blossomed, not only a confident new Charlie on the inside, but a full head of curly and coiffed brown locks. And rather than his clean, baby boy face, his well-groomed stubble shows he’s a man who can grow a beard. He’s a little bit rugged and entirely sexy.

At the end of the day, it's not that we want go home with Charlie because he want to raid his stylish closet. It's the full package—brains, a back bone, and of course, the fact that he looks smokin' hot in his new grown-up get-up—that makes him so very desirable.

Want more from Jessica? Follow her on Twitter.

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A Guy On <i>Girls</i>: Some Assembly Required

"There’s a beast in every man, and it stirs when you put a sword in his hand."

This is not a quote from last night's Girls episode. It’s from the Game of Thrones promo that aired before Girls. So why do I bring it up? Mostly I’m just stoked for the new season of Game of Thrones. That show is badass. But also, if you’ll overanalyze with me for a second, it’s a fitting thought to keep in mind this week as poor little neutered Adam Sackler discusses the merits of Sandra Bullock rom-coms and has boring, normal-people sex while taking lots of instructions.

Not that guys necessarily dislike a little instruction. Maybe it’s because I recently moved and I’m buying new furniture, but I’d like the IKEA version of sex instructions—you know, no words, just cartoon characters with gigantic heads showing me how to get it all done properly. And all of the sexy maneuvers would have Swedish names, so an erotic pickup line would be something like, "Girl, I’m gonna Poäng you in the Knutstorp, and it’s going to be Magiker." And halfway into it, we’d realize that a part was missing or the Allen wrench was the wrong size, so we’d just end up stopping and awkwardly eating meatballs with lingonberry jam. (Note to self: work on sexier, less tragic IKEA fantasies.)

OK, so my point about Adam: You had to know the dude was going to free the beast on his normal new girlfriend—and boy did he. Pretty graphically, in fact. I could have done without that visual. If you’re unfamiliar with the concept of the pearl necklace, I recommend taking your query to the Internet. It’s more of an Urban Dictionary thing than an Ann Taylor Loft thing. Just FYI.

But if you really want to see some deviant behavior, look no further than Ray. Did anyone else notice that he was wearing Shoshanna’s peace sign Snuggie like a robe?! Is that supposed to be ironic, Ray? Flip that thing around and enjoy a fleece sleeved blanket the way the as-seen-on-TV gods intended.

I don’t even want to talk about Hannah, who is completely bonkers. Butt splinters and Q-tip stabbings and walking home from the hospital all twitchy and pantsless. Is it time to stage an intervention? Are we bad friends? Do you remember that episode of Hoarders about the woman with 100 dead cats in her refrigerator? Hannah makes her look quirky in a delightful, Zooey Deschanel kind of way.

So Hannah has the Bat-Shit Insanity Lifetime Achievement Award all locked up…but, wait, what’s this? It’s Marnie doing a soulful rendition of Kanye’s “Stronger” at a totally inappropriate time, leaving everyone speechless. Well, except for Charlie, who decides that, even though that type of behavior usually necessitates a CAT scan, some good old-fashioned boning will be a suitable substitute. So maybe it’s Charlie who’s gone the farthest afloat in Girls’ endless sea of crazy.

What the Flört is going on, you guys?

For more musings from David, follow him on Twitter.

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A Guy On <i>Girls</i>: When You Gotta Go....

Well, it seems my constant complaining about Jessa being mean and irredeemable finally caught the attention of Lena Dunham, who abruptly wrote her out of the show in a tragic trout fishing accident. Wait, is that what happened? I saw that it was setting up to be a Jessa-heavy episode and left my apartment to get a sandwich.

Okay, so maybe there was no accident. Maybe we finally got a nuanced look at what made Jessa Jessa—specifically, a wildly unreliable father—and maybe we now understand why she’s such a complicated mess herself. And maybe we were just starting to appreciate her as a character when we read her "See you around, my love" goodbye note. Tell me I’m not the only one who stayed up all night listening to "Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone)" by ‘80s hair band Cinderella. (Seriously, somebody please tell me; I’m very concerned that I just did that.)

I do think Dunham could have found a better way to write Jemima Kirke’s character out—or, better yet, a way to keep her around while minimizing the role. How about this: At the Manitou train station, Jessa falls onto the tracks, narrowly escaping death, and ends up in a coma. Hannah cares for her dutifully, all the while bringing Jessa’s dysfunctional family closer together. Ultimately, Hannah and Frank, Jessa’s creepy turtleneck-and-jorts-wearing stepbrother, fall in love. I have to think this scenario occurred to Dunham, but since it’s essentially the exact plot of Sandra Bullock’s While You Were Sleeping, there were likely some intellectual property issues.

Speaking of issues… Hannah has a urinary tract nightmare on her hands, and when that girl is experiencing pee-pee problems, we’re all experiencing pee-pee problems. I’ll be honest: Men don’t understand UTIs. SI would guess that even approximately 35 percent of male doctors are only slightly fuzzy on the details. (If your gyno is a dude, ask him if Jessa’s garlic remedy really works. He’ll say, "Um, yeah, see the thing about that is…um…uhhh," then he’ll fake a heart attack or a phone call or both.) All we know is it’s probably our fault, it hurts you really badly, and when you have one we aren’t allowed to drink the cranberry juice in the fridge.

There’s always something funny and disorienting about Girls episodes set outside of New York City—like that feeling you got when you saw your middle school math teacher at the mall over summer breakt—but it’s nice to see Hannah and Jessa seeking small-town thrills. Hannah freaks out when the group is doing whippits and driving recklessly, which makes her seem like a buzzkill, but I know where she’s coming from. In high school, I wouldn’t even get in a car with someone who had been drinking, because I knew there would be a tragic accident, and a fire-and-brimstone minister would outlaw rock music and dancing of any kind in my town, and I just couldn’t have that on my conscience.

And in the end, Hannah’s glimpse into Jessa’s home life reminds her that her own upbringing was much rosier, but unfortunately her mother doesn’t know how to interpret her call to say "thanks" as anything other than an act of manipulation. No good deed goes unpunished, and no bout of cystitis goes without dagger-y urination pains. I almost know how she feels.

For more musings from David, follow him on Twitter.

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The Booth is Back: Jorma Taccone on</br>Returning to <i>Girls</i>, the Starfish Sex Position

As ridiculously pompous artist Booth Jonathan, Jorma Taccone delivered the pickup line 'heard round the Girls world to Alison Williams' Marnie in season one: "The first time I f*** you, I might scare you a little. Because I’m a man, and I know how to do things."

Turns out: Not so much! Booth and Marnie's much-anticipated sex scene, which just aired on Girls, looked pretty terrible. We caught up with Jorma (of SNL/"Dick in the Box"/The Lonely Island fame) about finally doing it.

Cosmo: Based on this hook up, does Booth really "know how to do things?"

Jorma: If this is his version of "being a man" and "knowing how to do things," this is sick and perverse! When I first read the scene, I was like, 'Oh my God. That sounds hilarious and also scary.' It's definitely not the best sex in the world. It's full throttle. I was trying to coin a term for it. I call it "The Starfish Position." Or "The X-Wing Fighter." [from Star Wars.]

Cosmo: Coining sex positions is our area of expertise! What are the challenges of The Starfish?

Jorma: The challenges? Oh God. Trying not to slide off her. I can attest that it’s more comfortable than it looks. But then again, I was on top. I'd never done a sex scene, so it was really nerve-wracking, but Allison's a good friend, so we would usually be joking around up until the camera was rolling, and then I’d be like, 'Alright, I’m gonna pump away now!' We we were able to improv a whole bunch.

Cosmo: Was it improv when you command Marnie to look at the doll?

Jorma: That was! It was a weird doll that came with the house that we were shooting at and it seemed appropriate to me, given how aggressive an artist Booth Jonathan is, that he would make it a three-way between Allison and a bizarre-looking old doll. There was another line that didn’t make it in, which I really liked. It was "I love you, you’re horrible!" Booth says that right after the final throes of ecstasy and apparently that came from a real line that someone said to someone while having sex. That’s the reason why Girls feels so real, because some of the stuff is torn from real life from Lena [Dunham] or someone else.

Cosmo: Booth seems like a real-life jackass. Any inspirations for playing him?

Jorma: The most exciting thing was talking to Lena’s mother at the premiere and she said, 'I know who this character is based on, and you really nailed it.' To the point where she said she didn't want to talk to me or interact with me. I'm glad to not know who it is based on. I was just going for a guy who has absolutely no filter and is bored with everything in his own life and is trying to weird people out every moment just to give himself some stimulation.  

Cosmo: Fans have been so titillated by Booth since his "I know how to do things" line in season one. Do girls just like jerks?

Jorma: Ladies seem very intrigued by a guy who is ultra confident and acts like he doesn't need you. There is some element of charm working with Booth. It could be that he seems deeply interested in [Marnie] and that interest can wane or be removed at any time. But I've been really surprised that ladies of all ages seemed to think that line was really hot. He's such a jerk and he's so into himself. Why can't ladies like nice guys?

Cosmo: Amen! So, post-Starfish, what's going to happen with Booth?

Jorma: Well, I don't want to ruin it. I will say he is in more episodes. But the mystique of the character is certainly gone! (laughs) I had all this adrenaline watching at the premiere, like, 'How are people going to take this?' and I forgot that the moment the lights came up, I was going to be shockingly embarrassed. I turned to my wife and was like, 'Oh my God. Everyone in here just saw me do that.' I can't tell you how many people I've told not to watch, primarily my mother and my mother-in-law. I just feel like, for our relationship going forward, I'd rather not have my mother-in-law see that.

Photo Credit: HBO

For more from Michelle, follow her on Twitter @michelleruiz

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<i>Girls</i> on (SoulCycle) Bikes

Korin Miller
Korin is the site director for Cosmopolitan.com. She loves uncovering cool new research and learning more about what makes guys tick. Outside the Cosmo office, you can find her running with her dog, trying to convince friends to go to karaoke bars, and watching as much reality TV as humanly possible.
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Michelle Ruiz
Michelle is the news editor for Cosmopolitan.com. She's obsessed with interviewing celebrities and spotting the latest pop culture trends. Her life highlights include chatting with Ryan Gosling about sex dolls, dancing on stage at the Oprah show, and shopping with her mom on Long Island. Tweet her: @michelleruiz
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Dara Adeeyo
Dara is the web assistant for Cosmopolitan.com. She's intrigued by all things digital. Dara loves playing with html and discovering new studies. When she's not reading up on the latest cocktail recipes (for work, of course), she can be found breaking it down on the dance floor or watching the Investigative Discovery channel. She also has a sick obsession with nail polish, elephants, and most importantly, Nutella. Dara basically lives on Twitter, so tweet at her and say hey: @dadeeyo.
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Elisa Benson
Elisa Benson is the senior editor of social media for @Cosmopolitan?so, yes, she tweets about sex for a living. Elisa grew up in Ohio, attended Colgate University, and wrote love and relationship advice for Seventeen before graduating to Cosmo. She lives for girly things (weddings and eyelash extensions and Pretty Little Liars?) and frequently tweets about all of the above: @elisabenson.
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