The 14 Stages of Missing Your Significant Other

Every couple follows the same arc when one of them has to go away for a while. How will the two of you ever survive apart? You can kill five minutes by reading this article. After that, you’re on your own again.

-3 Hours
The two of you lie quietly cuddling in the dark. If anyone else could see you, they’d never let you live down how sad and pathetic you look. It’s like the raft scene in Titanic except instead of one of you sinking to the bottom of the ocean forever, they’re just going to Iowa for a week.

-2 Hours
You make a very serious pact to talk every day, but fate is like, “lol no.”

0: The actual goodbye
You share several actual romantic goodbyes, before one of you just awkwardly leaves mid-sentence because you realize otherwise you’ll never say goodbye.

+1 Hour
You both have a sad car/plane/train ride home, only listening to really sad songs, or maybe even just silence, staring off wistfully into the night. You’ve heard “Adore You” dozens of times, but this time you really get it.

+1 Day
Oh, you think this is going to be easy? Because you had one fun night out with your friends? YOU ARE WRONG. The loneliness is going to crush you, just give it time.

+2 Days
You decide you’re going to do something constructive with all the free time you’re spending not hanging out with your S.O. Maybe you’ll learn guitar, or knitting. You’ll exercise more and when they get back you'll be so toned! You'll spend quality time with your friends. There's no limit to your productivity.

+2.5 Days
You realize you aren’t going to do any of those things. You are, however, going to sit on the couch and eat so much pudding you have to make your roommate swear they will never tell anyone how many pudding cups are in the garbage. But hey, it's nice to do nothing sometimes. You deserve it!

+3 Days
THIS IS THE WORST. At some point, it sinks in that you’re not going to see your S.O. for days or even weeks. Don’t let your co-workers see that single tear roll down your cheek while you hit replay on Death Cab for Cutie’s “Transatlantacism” for the 357th time.

+4 Days
You start thinking about all the times they’ve pissed you off. You can’t miss someone you want to punch in the face. But no, you can't stay mad. Aw, remember how cute they are when they're mad?

+5 Days
You are dead inside. Nothing can hurt you, not even Starbucks running out of the sausage breakfast sandwiches before you get there.

+6 Days
You both finally get to talk on the phone and catch up, and it feels really great. Also, they’re coming home tomorrow, so now you have nothing to talk about when you see them. Great job.

+7 Days
You find excuses to tell everyone you know that your S.O. is coming home today. The pizza delivery guy outside your building doesn’t care what time the plane lands.

The reunion
You spend hours gazing into each other’s eyes and catching up. Just kidding. But you do bone a bunch.

Beyond
You promise to never be away from each other again, until the next time the two of you are away from each other again. You wonder if you’ll ever have time to learn the guitar or knit.

Photo Credit: Getty

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"Fish Mouth," Vibe Irritation, and Other Things Your Gyno Notices During Your Pap Smear

Q. Can my gyno tell when the last time I had sex was?

A. Only if it was very recently—in that case, your MD may detect some semen.

Q. My gyno put her finger in my butt. What the what?

A. It's part of a regular comprehensive exam. Your doctor may insert one finger in your vagina and another in your anus, and then palpate the area with her fingertips, checking for any suspicious masses in your ovaries and rectum.

Q. Will my vagina look different if I'm pregnant or after I have kids?

A. Yes. During pregnancy, your cervix may take on a bluish hue due to increased blood flow. After you've had children (unless it was a scheduled C-section without labor or cervical dilation), the walls of your vagina tend to be more lax. Plus, the opening of your cervix may have a wider, "fish mouth" appearance, instead of a small, round hole.

Q. Does my vagina stink?

A. They normally don't smell at all, although if you're at the end of her period, there may be a slight odor of old blood. What you eat can also affect the scent—asparagus or spicy foods create a distinct smell. If a woman's vagina has a strong, fishy odor, it can be a sign of a bacterial infection (particularly bacterial vaginosis, or BV) or a foreign body (like a piece of trapped tissue or a forgotten tampon).

Q. Speaking of, how often do ob-gyns find stuff that got "lost" up there?

A. It actually happens all the time. In fact, your gynecologist probably has a sterilized instrument in the exam room specially designed to remove their findings. [Dr. Brightman has located hundreds of wandering tampons during her 23-year career, as well as dozens of condoms, a piece of garlic that a woman had been using to self-treat an infection (do not try that at home, btw!), and a strawberry that went missing during sex play (later that day, the patient sent Dr. Brightman a box of chocolate-covered strawberries with a note thanking her for having a sense of humor).]

Q. I know you're going to say that you don't care—but honestly, do MDs prefer if you shave or wax before a Pap smear?

A. It absolutely does not matter in the slightest.

Q. Does my vagina look different depending on my cycle?

A. The only change is the appearance of your discharge. Around ovulation, it's copious, thin, and stretchy. Post-ovulation it's white, opaque, and pasty.

Q. I have crazy-long labia. You see so many vaginas—so what do average labia really look like?

A. Probably due to the Brazilian waxing trend and the proliferation of porn, more and more women are expressing concerns about the appearance of their V-zone in general, and labia in particular. But there is so much variation that there really is no "average." Just like penises, labia come in all shapes and sizes. They can be asymmetric, they can be plump or thin, the inner labia may be longer than the outer labia, etc. Yours are most likely perfectly normal. Trust us.

Q. Is it okay to have sex the night before my Pap smear, or could that mess with the test results?

A. It's fine to have sex. What could yield an inaccurate result? Douching (which is unnecessary in general) and self-medicating for an infection—like using Monistat for a yeast infection. If you are taking a medication, check with your doctor pre-Pap to see if you should suspend treatment.

Q. Can my gynecologist tell if I use sex toys?

A. Not usually, although excessive use of toys without appropriate lubrication can create irritation thanks to friction. Other common causes of irritation that gynos see include spinning, wearing mini-pads to line your underwear, and going fuzz-free (hair provides a helpful buffer).

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Pron, Seks, and Other Ways to Get Your Rocks Off on the DL

Pron
Girl, we know you love your lady porn (and why shouldn't you?). If your man comes across this one in your history, he'll probably just think it's a new hair tool he's never heard of.

Mamada
Another cool trick is to look up a naughty word in another language. Google imaging "mamada" (It's Spanish for blow job) turns up some very NSFW pictures.

Pnis
Hey, sometimes you feel like eyeballing a little baloney pony. Eliminate the "e" in penis and suddenly it looks like just some random acronym. If anyone asks, you were searching for the "Polish National Integrative Society" or, um, whatever.

Seks
So, you and your man are spending the weekend at your parents' house…and forced to sleep in separate rooms. Yeah, no wonder you're craving a little solo pleasure inspiration. If your mom sees the word seks in your search history, it won't raise any alarm bells—it sounds like the name of a trendy new sushi restaurant.

RSS Sex Position
Putting a naughty term in an RSS aggregator, like Google Reader or Feedly, can help you leap over any pesky filters. Because you're linking to the site via a second-party Web site, the system might not register it as a forbidden term.

D1ck
Subbing in a number for a letter circumvents filtered internet access, so if you're using public wireless that restricts what you search, type in something like 0ral s3x instead. For all they know, it could be some kind of html coding mechanism.

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Dyspareunia, Vulvodynia and Six Other Painful Vaginal Conditions You Should Know About

Whether you're working on a new man or looking to lighten up a LTR, these guy-friendly ideas on how to be romantic can help you win him over (and over and over…).

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