<i>Ready for Love's</i> Tracy McMillan: The Five Biggest Dating Mistakes You Don't Even Realize You're Making

I write relationship books. I’m also a matchmaker on a reality dating show. If I’ve learned anything in my job, I’ve learned this: WHEN IT COMES TO DATING, EVERYBODY WANTS TO KNOW THE TOP FIVE BIGGEST DATING MISTAKES. Not the Top Four or Top Seven. They want the Top Five most obviously questionable things people do in dating– like having sex on the first date or drinking too much at dinner—and they want to know now, dammit.

Until you tell them.

Then you realize all anybody really wants to know is the top five mistakes other people are making. Because no one—and by no one I mean you—actually believes they’re doing anything wrong. That list of Top Five Biggest Dating Mistakes is really just a list of things you’re super-relieved you’re not doing and also it’s doubly great because now you feel superior to everyone who is doing those things.

Which is where I want you to slow your roll.

Because if you’re still single and you don’t want to be, it’s possible (actually, it’s probable) that there are some other dating mistakes you’re making. Ones you don’t even think of as mistakes, probably because you think of them as The Way Things Are. Since my goal is to help you have a great life, especially when it comes to dating—and hopefully avoid becoming a three-time divorcee like myself—here is my list of The Five Biggest Dating Mistakes No One Even Realizes They Are Making Because Everyone Is Doing Them.

1. Friends With Benefits. As far as I’m concerned, this is the mistakiest thing ladies are out there doing. Not because it’s wrong wrong, but because most of the time, it’s sooooo not working! The problem with FWB is that we tend to do it with guys we would be willing to have as our boyfriend–if he would just commit. But he can’t, or won’t, and since we still like him, we do FWB instead. I compare this to asking to volunteer at a company that doesn’t want to hire you. In other words, a bad idea.

2. Casual Sex. This is like Friends With Benefits, except with strangers. It’s a really great concept that would be so much better if it worked more than 13 percent of the time. Casual sex is, as I like to say, like recreational heroin. It doesn’t stay casual for long. Usually about three weeks, give or take. Then the drunk-dialing begins. The guy wonders who replaced the Cool Girl who was, like, totally Cool, with a passive-aggressive compulsive texter who wants to know why he’s not her boyfriend. I know a few girls who can have casual sex (lifetime ratio: 17 out of 1248 friends) and I’m sure you do, too–but if you’re not her (and you know if you are) do yourself a favor and don’t even start with it, unless of course you like stalking people on Twitter to find out why they’re not calling you tonight.

3. Taking Something Good Instead of Holding Out For Something Great. Or, Holding Out For Something Great When You Could Be Taking Something Good. Yes, I know this is confusing. How can both of these things be true? Here’s how: Because they’re never true at the same time. See, sometimes you’re in a phase of your life where you really need to stop dating like you’re on a game show where you’re blindfolded and given 30 seconds in the shoe department at Bloomingdale’s to pick out the one shoe you will wear for the rest of your life. Other times—and this tends to happen as you have more experiences in dating—you go overboard on your List of Wants and Don’t Wants and pretty soon, only Channing Tatum will work for you. But Channing is taken, so then what? And besides, you don’t want to be with a celebrity because they almost never stay together. Speaking of which—

4. Doing Relationships Like Celebrities Do. Celebrity culture is ubiquitous and unless you’ve never seen a tabloid, chances are you’ve been influenced by the way you see celebrities date and mate. Here’s the thing: You’re not on TV enough to make a sex tape and get a career out of it or get married to a guy you met ten minutes ago. So don’t. (When you become someone’s reality show sidekick, be my guest.) Console yourself with the fact that when Kim Kardashian is 43, that kind of reckless behavior won’t work for her either. Which brings me to my final point—

5. Dating Like You Have All The Time In The World. I know you are going to laugh in my face, but ladies, you are not going to be young forever. No one tells you this anymore because it’s considered old-fashioned and also because someone invented Botox, so now we all pretend our eggs will never age, just like our faces won’t. If at some point–not now, but AT SOME POINT—you think you want children and a long-term relationship (in whatever order, I don’t judge) you need to take your love life as seriously as you take your career. Okay, your hair. Condition it, keep it mostly clean (though, yes, sometimes it looks great dirty), and keep experimenting until you find what works best for you. Because what’s right for you is the first and last thing on that other dating list: Top One Most Important Thing You Must Do To Be Happy In Love.

Tracy McMillan is the author of Why You're Not Married... Yet and a matchmaker on NBC's new primetime reality show, Ready For Love, premiering Tuesday April 9. She's also the mother of a 16-year-old guy.

Every day this week, she'll be dropping (carnal) knowledge at Cosmopolitan.com.

Want more from sage love advice from Tracy? Follow her on Twitter.

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One of 2013's Biggest Baby Names is Christian (As In Grey)

One notable resurgence in a baby name that won't surprise you at all: Christian, which has been popular for two decades but tripled in the first quarter of 2013 thanks to (you guessed it) 50 Shades of Grey. Because there's nobody your son should emulate more than the aloof, emotionally-stunted, Ben-Wah ball-hoarding sadist Christian Grey.

Needless to say, the list of this year's "hottest" baby names is upon us, and I would like this opportunity to throw some shade at it, because It's almost like the 2013 moms-to-be intentionally set out to give their kid wedgies.

What happened to all the simple Kyles, Bens and Alex's?! Who do we blame for this travesty? Perhaps the myriad celebrities who name their kids things like "Apple" and "Moroccan"? (That would be Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter and one of Mariah Carey's #dembabies, respectively.)

Today.com has compiled a list courtesy of Nameberry of 13 unusual names that are being co-opted by expecting women. Some of them are cute and old-fashioned, like Marnie (inspired, naturally, by Girls), Nelly and Mavis. Sure! I can get into that. Grandma names are adorable.

Others are... well, it's not good. There will be classrooms full of Phaedras, Severines, Marlowes, Thors, Wilders and Linneas, just to name a few. Uhh, and Minguses. I sh*t you not. MINGUS.

Look, America. Every baby is a unique and special snowflake who will grow up to be a unique and special non-baby, whether or not you saddle yours with a name like Mingus, or any other whopping albatross of a moniker. The only thing a name like that might correlate to is mucho back-of-the-bus teasing and a possible future addiction to Whippits.

Iconoclastic names may seem like a good idea now that you're a cool, progressive expectant mom who can kick back with an artisenal beer once in awhile, but cut to a few years later. Will little Severine Goldberg's first day in fifth grade will be easy? Hell, no. And by high school, not-so-little Severine Goldberg will f*cking hate you, Mom. NOW GET OUT OF HER ROOM.

That does it: If I ever have a baby, I'm gonna name it Kid A. If it's good enough for a Radiohead album, it's good enough for me.

Follow Anna on Twitter: @annabreslaw

Photo via Thinkstock

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Man With World's Biggest Penis Weighs In On Jon Hamm's Girth: "His Problem Is His Balls"

We learn around fifth grade that the more you tell people to stop talking about something that makes you self-conscious, they will talk about it even more. (My rude awakening to this phenomenon involved a Hebrew School bully named Ashley Goldfond who kept insisting that I bought my clothes from "the rag shop." That is NOT even a real store, Ashley Goldfond.)

This goes double for the Internet, as Jon Hamm and his superhero-stature penis are now learning first-hand. As more commando shots of Hamm popped up online and reached meme-esque proportions (no pun intended), Hamm sort of dug himself into a hole by articulating his annoyance about the maximum-penile-exposure situation.

With additional rumors involving AMC's not-so-subtly purchasing briefs for Hamm as a roundabout request for him to put his penis away, Jon Hamm Penis-Gate evolved into an argument about the sexual objectification of celebrities, the double standard when it comes to actresses' speaking out against media ogling of their own bodies (Christina Hendricks, anyone), and generally... well, gave Jon Hamm's penis even more airtime.

As a last-ditch effort, Hamm's now instated a new waist-up photo shoot rule, according to a friend of the Mad Men actor on the gossip website Naughty Or Nice Rob:

“He wants to be shot from the waist up moving forward. You will notice that on the Rolling Stone cover he is currently on does not show all of Jon, just him from the waist up. The poor guy is at a loss. He thinks of himself as an actor, not a celebrity. He is not interested in fame, just the work. He is frightened that he is becoming an Internet joke. But everything he has done so far to stop this has failed. One thing is for sure, you will never see him walking down the street again commando, never!”

THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS, YOU GUYS.

If you think Jon Hamm's ham is the most impressive one out there, you're forgetting about Jonah Falcon, who, at 13.5 inches, officially possesses the world's biggest penis. And Falcon has some pragmatic, disillusioning information for y'all about the reality of Jon Hamm's penis : testicle ratio. Via HuffPo:

"I'm willing to bet his problem is his balls. Balls cause the most bulges. His penis is not going down his pant leg like mine. I prefer constriction myself. As you get older, your balls drop and need support. If it's his penis that's causing the problem, he can point it up like European men."

Ah! I saw a guy in a Speedo in a hot tub doing that once. I thought it was just misshapen or whatever. You never stop learning, do you?

Follow Anna on Twitter: @annabreslaw

Photo via Getty Images

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The Biggest Liar In Your Relationship: You?

Korin Miller
Korin is the site director for Cosmopolitan.com. She loves uncovering cool new research and learning more about what makes guys tick. Outside the Cosmo office, you can find her running with her dog, trying to convince friends to go to karaoke bars, and watching as much reality TV as humanly possible. Hit her up on Twitter: @korinmiller
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Michelle Ruiz
Michelle is the news editor for Cosmopolitan.com. She's obsessed with interviewing celebrities and spotting the latest pop culture trends. Her life highlights include chatting with Ryan Gosling about sex dolls, dancing on stage at the Oprah show, and shopping with her mom on Long Island. Tweet her: @michelleruiz
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Elisa Benson
Elisa Benson is the senior editor of social media for @Cosmopolitan?so, yes, she tweets about sex for a living. Elisa grew up in Ohio, attended Colgate University, and wrote love and relationship advice for Seventeen before graduating to Cosmo. She lives for girly things (weddings and eyelash extensions and Pretty Little Liars?) and frequently tweets about all of the above: @elisabenson.
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