Since launching her kitschy e-commerce site Preserve last month, Blake Lively has come under all sorts of bitchy criticism. British newspaper The Guardian labeled it a "pandering mess," while Lucky magazine thought the packaging was poor quality. Entertainment Weekly was confused, The Wire was confused, men were confused, period, said Jezebel. Even Martha Stewart said the site kinda sucked — not that Martha would ever use the word "suck" in public, unless in the context of complimenting someone's seersucker pants — and that has to hurt. But perhaps the most stinging criticism came from a rampaging swarm of bees, which recently attacked Blake during a photoshoot she was doing for the site. STINGING, get it!?!?!
Blake recounted the incident in a new essay for Preserve, which also discusses her birthday and makes all sorts of clever metaphors between bee stings and aging. It's titled "Happy Bee Day," get it!?!?!
Just yesterday, the final day of the shoot, I felt an electric shock of energy-- was it excitement that I was about to turn another year older? Was it nerves? Why did it feel like agony? I like getting older... I think. But this felt terrible. Does your butt quite suddenly (and painfully) deflate when you turn 27? Because mine hurt like hell …then my neck, back, legs and forehead. And oh my hands! They were shriveling. It felt like I was being shot by dozens of tiny invisible darts. I felt like the Wicked Witch, melting, melting, burning, melting.
As it happens, I wasn't being greeted by the onset of spontaneous aging, but rather a full-fledged bee day. Attacked. All over. Everywhere... I was a Monty Python sketch; running at top speed in no particular direction, whipping my arms and hands around like I'd just discovered they were growing out of my shoulders without my previous knowledge.
Blake then details her recovery, which involved throwing herself a twee, childish birthday party. (Where's Ryan Reynolds to do this for her?!) The shindig involved vanilla cake, fudge sundaes, and votive candles — many of which are, COINCIDENTALLY, items for sale at preserve.us. In other words, just when you thought Blake was indulging in a wistful creative writing project, it turns out she's trying to hock her merch. The cheek of it!
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