1. "Down By The River,” Neil Young Neil Young is undoubtedly one of the finest singer/songwriters of our time, but his wailing ballads about, say, the student-protest tragedy at Kent State or the changing political mores of the 1970s, aren’t fit for the bedroom. This one’s mournful chorus goes: “Down by the river, I shot my baby.” I got horny just typing that.
2. “All Summer Long,” Kid Rock
In the chorus of this atrocity of a song (let’s call it a song the way you’d call Paris Hilton an actress), which basically commits a felony by sampling “Sweet Home Alabama,” Kid Rock literally rhymes “things” with “things.” That, and picturing Kid Rock’s face hovering over you mid-coitus, will have you dryer than Pocahontas’ Grandmother Willow.
3. “One Hand In My Pocket,” Alanis Morrisette
One thing we learn from this song is that Alanis is a multitasker. Another thing we learn is that we’ll end up using our hands on ourselves most of the time if we put this song on during sex.
4. “What a Wonderful World,” Louis Armstrong
You’re not allowed to fuck to any song used for ironic emphasis in a Michael Moore documentary. It’s a law. That I invented. See also the sad Hawaiian ukulele version of this where the guy goes "OOoooooooOOOOOo," which I always associate with the onscreen death of that nice doctor on E.R. Anyone else? No? Well, don't do it anyway.
5. “Stan,” Eminem (ft. Dido)
As seen in #1, songs that feature the murder of a fictional woman are kind of counter-intuitive to getting it on. By the time Eminem-as-Stan informs us that he’s got his pregnant girlfriend locked in the trunk of his car, you will both have put your clothes back on. In fact, probably more clothes than you started with. Like seven layers of additional clothing.
6. “Chop Suey,” System of a Down
About to Make Love to a Gentleman? Put on the spastic late-'90s borderline-metal song that the Goth kids at your high school used to set as their Myspace default music. That’ll go great. Angels deserve to DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE.
7. “Let The Bodies Hit The Floor,” Drowning Pool
I don’t think I need to tell you why this is inappropriate.
8. “Closer To Fine,” Indigo Girls
Anything that might have played at 1998 Lilith Fair should be as far away from your Penetration 2014 playlist as possible. Crunchy all-female bands who sing lyrics like, "I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains, I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains," might mean something to you, but the minute this heavy-flow period of a song begins ("I’m tryin' to tell you something 'bout my liiiife"), trust me, you will both be wincing.
9. “Time To Say Goodbye (Con Te Partiro)” Josh Groban
Or any other sweeping Italian song, or anything else by your mom’s boyfriend Josh Groban. Anything operatic and grandiose is comically over-the-top for a regular old banging session. I don’t care how good the sex is, you don’t need a song that would be right at home on the Titanic soundtrack to score someone's penis going in and out of your vagina.
10. “Photograph,” Nickelback
Who was responsible for this?! You? Him? Joey, as in “What the heck is that on Joey’s head?” Get out of here, Joey. Nobody invited you to this sex.
11. “Danke Schoen,” Wayne Newton
Better known as the song that Ferris Bueller lip-synchs to on the float in downtown Chicago, Wayne Newton’s oddly high voice and the swingy, easy-listening beat — while classy — is incredibly awkward to have sex to.
12. “Scenes From An Italian Restaurant,” Billy Joel
Maybe you’ve heard this song in your dad’s car and been like, “Good song!” Not for this. The saga of baby boomers Brenda and Eddie, with their tacky Sears paintings and failed marriage, is not sexy. Billy Joel is a talented musician and lyricist, but his music just isn’t sexy. You try staying wet while Billy Joel sings about the Parkway Diner.
13. “Apache,” Sugar Hill Gang
Otherwise known as the song Carlton Banks iconically cuts a rug to in Fresh Prince. If he actually gets harder while this ridiculous song is playing, he’s probably got a severed human foot in his freezer.
14. “Flight of The Bumblebee.”
Good for cleaning your room or going for a jog or having an anxiety attack outside Kinko’s. Bad for doing it.
15. “The Sounds of Silence,” Simon and Garfunkel
So he enters you, and is like, “Is this okay?” and you’re like, “No yeah, it’s fine,” and then from your iPod dock, Simon (or Garfunkel) moans Hello, darkness, my old friend. Oh, hi. Can we skip this song please?
16. “Hip To Be Square,” Huey Lewis and the News
If you’ve ever seen American Psycho you know why this is on here. NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO GO RETURN SOME VIDEOTAPES.
17. “Mambo Number 5,” Lou Bega
When I said Billy Joel was the most unsexy musician alive, I actually meant he was one of the two most unsexy musicians alive. For those of you unaware, Lou Bega has a pencil moustache, an assembly of fedoras in primary colors, and his lips are always mysteriously very gleaming and wet in photographs. In addition to being a horrible song in general, it’s about twelve times worse if you have one of the names in the chorus: Monica, Erica, Rita, Tina, Sandra, Mary, Jessica, or Carl. (Just kidding about Carl.)
18. “What’s New, Pussycat,” Tom Jones
So cheesy, with a weird rhythm. Any sex will come to a screeching halt.
19. “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer,” the Beatles
Again, it's about woman-murder, and especially tricky because it's on Abbey Road. One second you're banging to "Hey Jude," the next second this jaunty ballad of a med student with a fetish for hitting his girlfriends over the head with toolbox accoutrement comes on and everyone loses their orgasm. The Beatles' bad LSD trip with the Maharishi continues to punish us all. Is there any song that can leave you drier? Yes there is:
20. “You’ve Got a Friend In Me,” Randy Newman
Randy Newman makes you wish your vagina had a ziplock, like the Baggies of baby carrots your mom put in your lunchbox as a youngster. This was heartwarming and delightful over the credits of Toy Story, but for the love of God, keep Randy Newman out of the bedroom. Even if you're Randy Newman's wife. Especially if you're Randy Newman's wife.
Follow Anna on Twitter.
Via Getty
From Cosmopolitan.com. Visit Amazon Beauty Ceneter here
Meet Your New Best Friend