8 Ways to Talk to a Suicidal Friend Without Making It Worse

It's sad but very true that everyone's had at least one seriously depressed friend they were kinda worried about and had no idea how to help. But depressed people are so often told that it's their responsibility to "reach out to someone."? That advice is, unfortunately, bullshit. ?

The reason it is bullshit is that so often when a depressed person does reach out to someone, that person reacts horribly, thereby causing the depressed person to think that reaching out to people sucks. These terrible reactions could include:

Saying nothing at all.Asking them why they want to kill themselves, as if that seems "weird" or "dumb."Changing the subject all together.Making a joke.Telling them not to kill themselves because "you're great!"

All that said, I'm obviously not a doctor. I'm just a comedian/writer/musician person with a tiny kitten named Katleen Hanna who happens to be made of magic. But I am also a person with an entirely too lengthy history of dealing with depression and suicidal ideation in myself and the people I love, so I can tell you that all of those things are incredibly painful to hear.

Of course, if you handle things poorly and your friend does end up hurting him/herself, it is never your fault. And even if you do all of the following things, your friend will probably still need to work through a lot of shit. But man, can saying the right things instead of the wrong things make a hell of a difference.

Here are eight simple things you can do when your friend either says he/she is suicidal or seriously seem to be:

1. Tell them you are worried about them.
Many suicidal people feel like people do not understand the gravity of the situation or the immense, unbearable, incomprehensible amount of pain you have to be in to legitimately want to die. Tell them you hear them, you see it, and you are worried.

2. Ask if they have a therapist.
Maybe they've already told their therapist about their being suicidal, maybe not. Maybe their therapist sucks. Maybe they're working on it, but it's still hard. Maybe they don't have a therapist and you can help them find one. Whatever the case may be, ask! But also make it clear you're still there to talk and not just pawning them off on a therapist.

3. Go hang out with them.
When I was suicidal, I can't tell you how many times I just wanted someone to come over and sit next to me. We didn't even have to do anything. I just wanted them there. So go!

4. Bring them something small that shows you're thinking of them.
If you know they're severely depressed or suicidal, next time you see them, bring them a juice or a smoothie or a soda or a key ring with something you know they love on it. Remind them there are still good things in the world and you care.

5. Reach out to them if they haven't reached out to you.
Maybe your friend just posts questionable tweets or Facebook status updates, but you have a feeling something is seriously wrong. Email them! Tell them you've noticed, you see them, you hear them, and you're there if they need to talk.

6. Tell them you have no idea what that must feel like.
Even if you've been through some serious shit, do not say, "I know what you mean!!!" Because at the end of the day, you don't, and it's insulting and hurtful. Seriously, even if you think you've been there, you don't know what it's like to be that specific person, and assuming that you know exactly how they feel can do more harm than good.

7. Tell them you don't want them to die.
You might be thinking, Of course I don't want them to die! That should be obvious! It's not obvious. No matter what their reasons are for wanting to die, hearing someone they know say they don't want them to die is huge. Note: This is very different from saying, "Don't die. I love hanging out with you!" which makes it about you and not them. They don't really care that they make your life super fun because theirs is really painful right now. It's all about framing it.

8. Tell them you have no idea what to say.
Don't know what to say? That's OK! But trust me when I tell you that saying, "I don't know what to say," is way better than fumbling for a joke or making a quick subject change or not saying anything at all, all of which can be hurtful. Maybe you don't need to say anything anyway. Maybe you just need to listen. And bring cupcakes. Lots and lots of cupcakes.

Follow Lane on Twitter.

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I Was Born Without a Vagina, But I'm Still a Woman

On December 16, 2010, a beautifully seven-months-pregnant gynecologist walked into my hospital room and diagnosed me with “the very rare Mayer-Rockitansky-Kuster-Hauser syndrome,” or MRKH. She said I was born missing my uterus and the upper two-thirds of my vagina and, because I was “abnormal,” I would never be able to have my own children. All I could think was, You bitch. How could you do this to me? My world was turned upside down. She was the worst person on the planet. How could they let a pregnant woman tell me I would never carry my own children? A million thoughts ran through my head as my mother and I left the hospital. I never went to see that doctor again.

I'd begun to notice that something was different about my body at 14, when my mother started to question our family doctor on the fact that I hadn’t gotten my period yet. My doctor brushed her off, as I am petite and having a lower weight can prevent menstruation. But the closer I got to 16, the more concerned she and the doctor became. Finally, I went for an ultrasound. This led to blood work, X-rays, chromosome testing, and multiple MRI scans. Finally, after seven months of testing and waiting and testing again, we got word that the gynecologist we had been recommended had reviewed my results and was ready to give us the news.

After my traumatic diagnosis, I switched to another highly recommended gynecologist in Halifax, Canada, who was very supportive and explained my syndrome to me, my mother and my boyfriend very clearly, even drawing us a diagram on a scrap of paper, and dumbing down the language for us to understand. Which is very necessary because this is a confusing syndrome.

It is still not known whether MRKH is a genetic condition or a random happenstance during development. Here's what little the medical professionals do know: MRKH develops in the fetus around 21 to 23 weeks of pregnancy, when the kidneys and reproductive systems are at peak development. There is a documented case study of a set of identical twins, one who developed MRKH while the other didn’t, so they assume MRKH is not genetic. (I don’t know anyone in my family who has been diagnosed with MRKH, but my grandmother and I share other genetic maladies, like scoliosis, which is also linked to MRKH.) There are no data on whether a certain population is more affected by MRKH or not. Statistics say it affects 1 in every 5,000 girls born — .02 percent.

And here's what I know: I have normal XX chromosomes, so biologically I’m female. My hormones fluctuate every 28 to 30 days just like a “normal” woman. I don’t have a period — my favorite part of having MRKH — because I have no uterus and no lining to shed every month. When I was first diagnosed, I relied on ovulation predictor kits for several months to figure out my true cycle. These work because I release eggs every month, but instead of the eggs traveling into fallopian tubes, they just disintegrate upon leaving my ovaries.

This all was, naturally, quite confusing for my fiancé. He was my new boyfriend at the time of my diagnosis and was very patient while waiting for me to be ready to talk more about what this meant for our relationship. I told him about my diagnosis through a private message on Facebook because he was impossible to get ahold of at the time, and he immediately laughed off my worries that he wouldn't want to be with me. He had a lot of questions in the beginning, mostly to do with how sex was going to work, naturally.

Yes, I can have sex. My clitoris, external genitalia, and my breasts are all normally developed, so I've always been able to get off clitorally, but vaginal sex requires from work for people with MRKH. Some women choose to use dilators to gradually stretch their vaginas, but doing it naturally just seems to work better for us. It took months to stretch my partial vagina into a comfortable “pocket” for sex, but now the sex is great. The only issue we ever have is trying to switch positions and try new things, because every new position requires us trying a few times before it is comfortable and enjoyable for me. My vagina stretches around him naturally every time we have sex. It is our little inside joke that he has a “custom-made” vagina because he is the only person I have ever had sex with, so it is molded perfectly for him.

The best part of our sex life, some people might think, is actually our biggest dilemma: I will never have a pregnancy scare, because I can never get pregnant. My fiancé and I have the choice of using in vitro fertilization and surrogacy (in which doctors fertilize my egg with his sperm and implant the embryo into a surrogate mother's womb), or adopting. IVF costs are sky-high, and most insurance companies cover only the bare minimum of the hormones required. Uninsured portions of the treatments run an estimated $20,000 to $30,000 per treatment, with no guarantee of a baby at the end. And in Nova Scotia, Canada, where we live, paying for a surrogate is illegal. A surrogate must be willing to “donate” her body and time in order for the procedure to be done.

Adoption in Nova Scotia is an estimated eight-year wait with no guarantee of being matched with a child. Adoption applications at the time of this writing are on hold in this province as well, because they are placing priority in older children, as well as Native children and African-Canadian children. They do their best to place children within their own culture and race, so they grow up in their own culture. This in turn makes it hard for Caucasian like us to sit on a waiting list with all the other eligible Caucasians in our province, as there’s a higher number of applicants. Adoption is something we have researched extensively, but our first choice for having children is definitely surrogacy, because the child will biologically be ours.

The weight of our inability to conceive is heavy, especially once we begin to marry and think about starting families, but thankfully, the online MRKH community is fantastic. The other women in the MRKH community and I share everything from test results to fertility treatment details and symptoms to sex advice. I rely on women with MRKH who are all over the world; they are my sisters.

We can bond about how hard it was in middle school, when all the other girls in our classes were giggling about tampons and pads and we just thought we were late bloomers. We can bond about the unthoughtful comments we get from women who can't comprehend what it’s like to live without a uterus. “What a sin! You aren’t a woman if you can’t be a mom.” "You lucky bitch! I wish I didn't have to bleed every month!" "So you can't have babies, right? That's OK, you don't need them. Just adopt!" And even: "Everyone should be neutered like you, the world is overpopulated as it is." The comments are meant to be joking and sometimes well-meaning, but they are hurtful to anyone struggling with infertility, not just those with MRKH.

My life aside from my syndrome is pretty normal. I drive a 2011 Toyota, work at a coffee shop full-time as a supervisor and have my own house. We are planning our wedding and spend our free time watching movies and traveling around our province. MRKH is a strange syndrome that I am accepting of some days and completely miserable with the next, but I am extremely grateful to have found the support that I have through the Internet and in real life with family and friends. When I'm with them, I feel like a strong, proud woman, despite my lacking lady bits.

For more of Briana's story, visit her blog or campaign page. 

Photo credit: Janet Langille

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How to Wear Over-the-Knee Boots Without Looking Like Pretty Woman

In this week's Fashion Q&A, Cosmopolitan.com’s Style Editor, Charles Manning, answers your questions about how to wear over-the-knee boots, showing off your body in a cocoon coat, and what to do when your favorite purse gets water-damaged.

Q: How can I pull off over-the-knee boots without looking like I'm in Pretty Woman?

A: You could opt for flats instead of high heels or leather and suede instead of vinyl, but it's really all in the styling. The reason Julia Roberts' boots look so insanely … sexy (?) is that she's wearing them with a barely-there, cut-out minidress. Over-the-knee and thigh-high boots are already sexy enough. You don't need to show a lot of skin. A little flash of thigh between the top of the boots and the bottom of your dress or skirt is fine as long as your arms and chest are covered by sleeves and a higher neckline. Over-the-knee boots also look great on top of skinny jeans. Then you can show a little skin somewhere else on your outfit without looking too provocative.   

Blake Lively, Mena Suvari, Nicole Scherzinger, Jameela Jamil

Q: Is there any way to wear a cocoon coat and still show off your figure?

A: You can't show off your shape per se, but you can allude to it. A pair of high heels and some black skinny jeans will make the little bit of leg sticking out from the bottom of your coat look long and lean. Also, try leaving your neck exposed — you can always put on a hat if you get cold — and roll your cuffs once or twice to flash a little bit of wrist.

Pink Coat, ASOS, $200; High-Rise Skinny Jeans, GAP, $70; Blue Knitted Fur Beanie, MARINI SILVANO, $78; Silver Slingback Heels, BCBGMAXAZRIA, $195

Q: My favorite vintage leather handbag got water-damaged in a flood. What can I do?

A: Check with a leather specialist before you lose all hope, but understand that in general, fixing water-damaged leather is really difficult. A lot of times the leather has to be recolored, and that can be expensive. Instead, take this as an opportunity to indulge in a little DIY. Buy some cool patches and sew them on at odd angles, or get some metallic spray paint and create an ombre effect over the damaged area. You can get really crafty and just cover the whole thing in studs or paint a geometric design over the surface. If you're nervous about doing the work yourself, hand the bag over to one of your more artistically inclined friends and have her doodle on it in permanent marker. It might end up looking even better than it did before it got damaged. Here are some designer bags to inspire you.

Black Studded Bag, REBECCA MINKOFF, $395; Printed Shoulder Bag, MARC JACOBS, $2,277; Triangle Patch Satchel, DAILYLOOK, $60; Applique Tote, LANVIN, $516

Do you have fashion or style questions?  Email them to styledbycosmo@gmail.com or tweet your questions to our Style Editor @charlesemanning.

Photo Credit: Getty Images, Touchstone Pictures

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Here Are Disney Princes With (And Without) Beards

First, there were Disney princesses with beards. Now, courtesy of artist Annie Erskine via The Mary Sue, we have Disney princes (and various other male characters) with beards. Or without them, if they have them usually. Observe:

Follow Anna on Twitter.

Photo Credit: https://www.facebook.com/AnnieErskineArt

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Kate Middleton Attends Christmas Services Without Prince George

Kate Middleton and Prince William attended Christmas services at the Queen's Sandringham estate, but someone was noticeably missing. Any onlookers who were hoping to catch a glimpse of Prince George were sorely disappointed, as the royal baby was a no-show. "We've had a good morning with George, and I can't wait until next year when he's bigger," William reportedly told the crowd. 

Kate wore an Alexandra McQueen coat and a Gina Foster hat, and needless to say, she looked lovely. It is unlikely that she will go home and Instagram George's gifts like somebody did with her own baby's presents, but they are undoubtedly all magical.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

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We Could Live Without Sex, But Not Our Morning Coffee?!

Korin Miller
Korin is the site director for Cosmopolitan.com. She loves uncovering cool new research and learning more about what makes guys tick. Outside the Cosmo office, you can find her running with her dog, trying to convince friends to go to karaoke bars, and watching as much reality TV as humanly possible. Hit her up on Twitter: @korinmiller
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Michelle Ruiz
Michelle is the news editor for Cosmopolitan.com. She's obsessed with interviewing celebrities and spotting the latest pop culture trends. Her life highlights include chatting with Ryan Gosling about sex dolls, dancing on stage at the Oprah show, and shopping with her mom on Long Island. Tweet her: @michelleruiz
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Dara Adeeyo
Dara is the associate web editor for Cosmopolitan.com. She's intrigued by all things digital. Dara loves playing with html and discovering new studies. When she's not reading up on the latest cocktail recipes (for work, of course), she can be found breaking it down on the dance floor or watching the Investigative Discovery channel. She also has a sick obsession with nail polish, elephants, and most importantly, Nutella. Dara basically lives on Twitter, so tweet at her and say hey: @dadeeyo.
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Elisa Benson
Elisa Benson is the senior editor of social media for @Cosmopolitan?so, yes, she tweets about sex for a living. Elisa grew up in Ohio, attended Colgate University, and wrote love and relationship advice for Seventeen before graduating to Cosmo. She lives for girly things (weddings and eyelash extensions and Pretty Little Liars?) and frequently tweets about all of the above: @elisabenson.
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Demi Lovato Looks Freaking Gorg Without Makeup

Korin Miller
Korin is the site director for Cosmopolitan.com. She loves uncovering cool new research and learning more about what makes guys tick. Outside the Cosmo office, you can find her running with her dog, trying to convince friends to go to karaoke bars, and watching as much reality TV as humanly possible. Hit her up on Twitter: @korinmiller
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Michelle Ruiz
Michelle is the news editor for Cosmopolitan.com. She's obsessed with interviewing celebrities and spotting the latest pop culture trends. Her life highlights include chatting with Ryan Gosling about sex dolls, dancing on stage at the Oprah show, and shopping with her mom on Long Island. Tweet her: @michelleruiz
Read More

Find all posts by Michelle
Contact Michelle

Dara Adeeyo
Dara is the associate web editor for Cosmopolitan.com. She's intrigued by all things digital. Dara loves playing with html and discovering new studies. When she's not reading up on the latest cocktail recipes (for work, of course), she can be found breaking it down on the dance floor or watching the Investigative Discovery channel. She also has a sick obsession with nail polish, elephants, and most importantly, Nutella. Dara basically lives on Twitter, so tweet at her and say hey: @dadeeyo.
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Elisa Benson
Elisa Benson is the senior editor of social media for @Cosmopolitan?so, yes, she tweets about sex for a living. Elisa grew up in Ohio, attended Colgate University, and wrote love and relationship advice for Seventeen before graduating to Cosmo. She lives for girly things (weddings and eyelash extensions and Pretty Little Liars?) and frequently tweets about all of the above: @elisabenson.
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The Man Without A Penis Is Back And Dishing About The Time His Date Punched Him

Korin Miller
Korin is the site director for Cosmopolitan.com. She loves uncovering cool new research and learning more about what makes guys tick. Outside the Cosmo office, you can find her running with her dog, trying to convince friends to go to karaoke bars, and watching as much reality TV as humanly possible. Hit her up on Twitter: @korinmiller
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Michelle Ruiz
Michelle is the news editor for Cosmopolitan.com. She's obsessed with interviewing celebrities and spotting the latest pop culture trends. Her life highlights include chatting with Ryan Gosling about sex dolls, dancing on stage at the Oprah show, and shopping with her mom on Long Island. Tweet her: @michelleruiz
Read More

Find all posts by Michelle
Contact Michelle

Dara Adeeyo
Dara is the associate web editor for Cosmopolitan.com. She's intrigued by all things digital. Dara loves playing with html and discovering new studies. When she's not reading up on the latest cocktail recipes (for work, of course), she can be found breaking it down on the dance floor or watching the Investigative Discovery channel. She also has a sick obsession with nail polish, elephants, and most importantly, Nutella. Dara basically lives on Twitter, so tweet at her and say hey: @dadeeyo.
Read More

Find all posts by Dara
Contact Dara

Elisa Benson
Elisa Benson is the senior editor of social media for @Cosmopolitan?so, yes, she tweets about sex for a living. Elisa grew up in Ohio, attended Colgate University, and wrote love and relationship advice for Seventeen before graduating to Cosmo. She lives for girly things (weddings and eyelash extensions and Pretty Little Liars?) and frequently tweets about all of the above: @elisabenson.
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