A series of “instructional” messages forwarded to Gawker — written in fluorescent pink font, no less — detail one bride’s descent into stereotypical wedding rom-com movie madness. She signs off her emails as “The Queen Bee,” which says it all; this is very much a “my big day will be just perfect even though everyone else will be scared I’m going to stab them in the face with a stainless silver cake fork at the reception” kind of story. Below, nine of the most ridiculous demands poorly couched as friendly suggestions:
1. “Bed times leading up to the wedding will be strictly enforced. I absolutely cannot have you all have saggy, baggy eyes. I am sure you all understand.”
2. “Swimwear attire: I would like everyone to wear matching bikinis that have rhinestones on the tushie spelling out 'maids,' which brings me to my next point… All bikinis leading up to the wedding must be strapless bandeaus. I cannot have terrible tan lines in strapless dresses.”
3. “Speeches: We all know what happened at Taylor's wedding. So if you plan to make a toast, please submit it for approval and revision, no later than 4 weeks prior to the wedding.”
source: realitytvgifs.com
4. Naturally, our bride expects the final say on any changes her bridesmaids might be making to their appearance: “If you plan on chopping off your locks, please submit your proposed new look prior to any actions (this applies to coloring as well).” But shit soon gets real, because — oh my gosh, get this — bridesmaid Chelsea asks for permission to cut her hair, gets denied AND THEN HITS THE SALON UP ANYWAY. In the words of Oda Mae Brown, “[Chelsea], you in danger girl."
5. “It brings me great sadness to write this e-mail but it was brought to my attention that one of my chosen-bees has defected. The punishment is obviously bridal party banishment. However, after careful consideration, I have decided to re-instate her status on a provision basis… Miss Chelsea from this point on is on bridal party probation.”
6. “Additionally, if anyone does decide to break any future rules, please do not try to justify your behavior by telling me what other maids are doing in other weddings. I do not care and I am the QB. Also, I have posted an image to this e-mail, which will serve as my official logo.”
7. Though no image appears to have been forwarded, it’s probably the Eye of Sauron. With a bridal veil. Anyway, some more weighty issues:
8. “I hope everyone is on a water and rice cake diet from this point forward. I would also appreciate it if everyone incorporated arm workouts into their daily routine...”
9. “I was thinking that we should start a daily google doc, where everyone can update in real time their daily calorie content.”
10. And in yet more body-conscious-to-the-extreme ranting: “No-one can be skinner than the bride. That means Kelly and Lizzie will be on a protein weight gainer diet exclusively until May. I will have the nutritionist call you to discuss diet plans.”
This last rule, Gawker’s tipster claims, was not actually enforced… though one bridesmaid was asked to pop some diet pills. And another had to wear a pashmina at the wedding because her arms were too fat.
Oh, and one more thing — one Gawker commenter claims to know the bridezilla in question, and reports three of her bridesmaids “no longer speak to her.”
Photo: TLC.
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