Secret Spending and How It Kills Relationships Dead

Money. Not only is it the fourth most-written about fact of life in popular songs, after love, sex and death (just ask the Beatles, Dire Straits, Pink Floyd, Nine Inch Nails, ABBA, Madonna, 85% of modern rappers, et cetera), but it’s also a significant cause of breakups, whether it’s her addiction to J.Crew pumps or his secret trips to Radio Shack.

In relationships, there's generally the thrifty one and the impulse spender — in other words, the bad cop and the good cop. And if you're the cheap one, yelling at your boyfriend about buying his forty-seventh iTouch, you may walk away feeling like his Mean Mommy. Never good.

We spoke to Farnoosh Torabi, personal finance expert and host of Financially Fit on Yahoo! about secret spending in relationships and how to avoid it.

Cosmo: What are the most common forms of financial cheating that can ruin a relationship?

Farnoosh: It can be as simple as cutting off price tags on a new dress so your partner doesn't know how much you really spent to hiding purchases under the bed...or worse, opening up a secret credit card. Financial infidelity is more common than you think and the actions are often rooted in all sorts of emotions. For some it's a fear of being judged. For others, it's wanting to regain some sort of financial control in their lives and feeling like they can't be honest about it for some reason with their partner. Financial infidelity is a sign of bigger and deeper issues in the relationship.

Cosmo: Do you have any advice on how to avoid falling into these kinds of situations?

Farnoosh: As the saying goes, you need to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with another person. If you have a spending problem or a communication problem around money, best to get some professional help or therapy to try to take control of the issue -- before a relationship gets too involved.

For those who are already in a serious relationship, I think it's imperative to keep a strong level of financial transparency in the relationship. Even if you don't share bills, share access to those accounts so you can view bills online together. Agree to talk about household purchases that exceed a certain amount of money - say $200 - so that you can check in from time to time over spending habits.

I also think it's helpful to have a shared checking or savings account. Every relationship is different but there is value in having one joint account that services the family's joint expenses like the rent or mortgage, that each person contributes to and monitors...Or, it could be a joint account for the purpose of saving for a future goal, a new car, a family vacation. This way each person in the relationship feels accountable to one another. You're more engaged and hopefully more careful that way.

Cosmo: And how can you recognize if you might be involved with a financial cheater?

Farnoosh: Beware of red flags. If your partner doesn't even want to talk about money...or for some reason is kind of a control-freak when it comes to managing the money in the household, that's a red flag. Also, if he doesn't want to share online account passwords...or if you see a bill from a bank or credit card company in the mail that you don't recognize.

Cosmo: If you're already in the hole with them, so to speak, how do you recommend a spouse or significant other of a person in financial trouble deal with it?

Farnoosh: Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. Literally schedule a time each month to discuss your savings, goals and expenses. It's too easy to just avoid the topic of money and that's when a spouse can go awry with spending (in hiding).

Don't bury your head in the sand. Even if you're not the one managing the finances in the relationship, stay in the know and keep an eye on spreadsheets, bills and statements.

In a Pew Research survey conducted a few years ago, nearly one in four women said their partner was the one primarily managing the household finances. And more recently, an informal survey by The New York Times found that many women defer managing their household’s finances to their spouses and of those women, very few know basic details such as the interest rate on joint mortgages, passwords to shared savings accounts and how much each spouse earns after taxes.

So get educated, open up, and get your fiscal house in order.

Follow Anna on Twitter: @annabreslaw

Image via istockphoto

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Do Open Relationships Really Work?

The idea of an open relationship may seem a little too Sister Wives for anyone in the "real world," but there are plenty of polyamorous peeps who dive right in, despite fear of never receiving long-term commitment, and the risk of dating someone who is sleeping with you—and five others. Liz, 29, is in an open relationship, and agreed to dish on it.

How long have you been in an open relationship?

We started seeing each over three years ago but we've known each other for probably six years. We met when I moved to New York, actually, almost immediately at a bar down the street from my apartment.

How is your open relationship any different than just sleeping together?

It's a relationship—except we can sleep with other people. We go to bed together at night, we watch television together, we go to the movies together, we know each others friends and families.

Why do you guys choose to have an open relationship?

My boyfriend is a bartender. It's not practical for me to think that he's going to be monogamous. I know that it's not impossible, but for him, he just can't, and I can't force him to, and I don't want to force him to, and it makes everyone happier. Both of us.

Do you ever try to make each other jealous?

In the beginning maybe, but because we're in an open relationship, it seems pointless. It seems like games other couples play.

Do you tell each other when one of you sleeps with someone else?

We have a don't ask, don't tell policy. We don't call it cheating. We've found out before, and sometimes it's gotten uglier than other times, but normally only when it's been a repeat situation. But it always works itself out. Always.

Do you live together?

No, but we've discussed it.

But if you lived together you'd eventually have to stop seeing other people, right?

Not necessarily.

What do you do for safe sex?

We trust that we're both using condoms when we're not with each other. We've promised each other. If I ever found out he wasn't, it'd be over.

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