Showing posts with label Penises. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Penises. Show all posts

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Why Women Shouldn't Be Freaked Out by Uncircumcised Penises

One day at work, a coworker was freaking out about a sexual encounter she had had with a man the night before.

“You have to hear this story,” another girl said to me when I walked into their office.

“What happened?” I asked.

“Oh my god,” she said, visibly shaken, eyes wide, as she closed the office door. “He was uncircumcised.”

Huh?

“I’m not inexperienced,” she continued. “But I’ve never seen that before. It was alarming.”

All I could think was, what the hell is the problem?

Though I am currently committed to a man who is circumcised, I spent a year in a serious relationship with a man who was not. While I do remember that this was something I talked to my friends about and that it was unusual (all other men I had had sexual relationships with were circumcised) I do not remember having a visceral reaction of OMG WTF CANNOT DO THIS. What I remember most of all was that I was so attracted to him that I just did not care. So his equipment was a little different? It in no way affected how hot he was or how great the sex we had was. And guess what, girls? Statistics suggest fewer men are getting circumcised, so you're increasingly likely to encounter an uncircumcised penis if you haven't yet.

Here’s the difference between an uncircumcised penis and a circumcised one: a circumcised penis has had its foreskin removed, and uncircumcised one hasn’t. So an uncircumcised penis has what looks like a cylinder of skin enveloping the head. To access the head — the most sensitive part of the penis — you simply roll the skin down. Voila: there you have the penis most American women are used to working with.

Sex with an uncircumcised penis is as awkward as you make it. If you see one, freak out, recoil in horror, halt all sexual activity, and scuttle your office friends into a room the next day so you can confirm that you should, in fact, be freaked out by it, of course you’re going to feel uncomfortable about uncircumcised penises. If you can resist possibly insulting your sexual partner by freaking out, remember why you’re having sex with him in the first place (presumably, you find him hot enough to want to bone). If you feel really confused by his foreskin, ask him what feels good. Chances are once he tells you, it won’t feel like a discussion topic and the sex won’t go from, well, sex to Uncircumcised Sex I Have to Tell Everyone About.

Ultimately, sex with an uncircumcised man does not taste or feel or smell any different for a woman. Let me disabuse you of the notion that uncircumcised penises are smellier or dirtier than circumcised ones (if they are at all, that says more about the dude's bathing habits than presence or lack of foreskin). You (or your partner) just need to push that little bit of skin back. I fail to see why this is so scary. If you truly love a person and find him sexy, you won’t care if he has a little extra skin around his penis where your previous sexual partners have not.

The sex I had with my uncircumcised boyfriend was some of the best I had ever had. Nowhere in my memories of our sexual experiences do I think, “Well, if he was circumcised that would have all been a lot better.” Ladies, I’m here to tell you: it really does not matter whether a guy is circumcised or not. If you like him and want to do it with him, you will not care about the presence of foreskin. The sex will be hot with it or without it.

Let me give you an example: my uncircumcised ex is from a foreign country. We ended up traveling through his home country together for ten days. When I was listening to him speak in his native language (the accent and foreign-ness was always a huge turn-on), spending day after day touring beautiful places with him and not being able to wait to get home to get it on basically all the time, I thought about his foreskin not at all. When we got back to his apartment one day and ended up having sex in the living room, him on the couch, me propped up on the coffee table, and all I could think about was how I’d never been more attracted to anyone ever than in that moment, I was not repulsed by or even remotely thinking about his foreskin.

We’re doing each other a disservice by acting terrified of uncircumcised penises. All you do when you freak out about foreskin in front of your friends is encourage them to freak out about foreskin when they encounter it. And if it’s attached to a man you’re crazy about (or just wildly attracted to), you’re not going to even think about it, much less mind it.

A penis is a penis. If it has a foreskin, get over it. Remember: the most important part of any foreskin is who it’s attracted to.

Photo credit: Getty Images


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Monday, August 12, 2013

The Anti-Jon John Hamms: Meet the Tiniest Penises in Brooklyn

On a 97 degree day in Brooklyn, a group of curious perverts mobbed a dive bar to attend the first ever Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant. Men from all corners of the New York borough were encouraged to enter the contest celebrating junk that is more dink than dong.

The atmosphere was total bachelorette party—boozy, raunchy and dick-obsessed. Patrons were blowing penis whistles, squirting penis guns and drinking the special of the night, the Penis Colada. In the spirit of fun, I ordered one, and it  turned out to be frothy, white, warm and creamy (get it?). I couldn't keep it down, but kudos to the bartender for making a cocktail that tastes like an alcoholic ejaculation.

The host of the evening was a hilarious and vivacious black drag queen named Chicken Bitches who wore a multi-colored muumuu and a huge straw headpiece. "Why are we here?" she thundered from the stage, "Penis! But what kind of penis? The teeny, tiny kind!" And the crowd went wild.

The six brave contestants went by the names of Perry Winkle, Sugar Daddy, Rip van Dinkle, Quinette, The Delivery Man and Flo Rider. They would each have to compete in Evening Wear, Swim Wear and Talent competitions. The winner would get the dubious prize of being crowned Smallest Penis in Brooklyn and a grand prize of $200.

The Evening Wear portion saw each contestant strutting down the bar in a tiny cock covering that looked like a mini-tuxedo. Very klassy with a K. Some of the men wore masks to protect their identity, while the more cocky contestants went raw face.

Having never seen a micro-peen in the flesh before, what struck me the most is how ENORMOUS balls look next to a Mike and Ike. Although it's not necessarily my fave look, judging from the clapping and catcalling, some women were all about it.

Next up: the Talent Show. Like all Talent Shows, this one was tough to watch. There was a weird interpretive dance to "All the Small Things" by Blink 182, another routine to "I'm Sexy and I Know It," and then a French gentleman, Quinette, did a very awkward white version of hip-hop dancing. The most charming performance went to The Delivery Man, who wore a box of over his manhood and told a series of cute, dad-esque stand-up jokes. When the judges asked the Delivery Man, "What advice would you give a young man with a small penis?" he answered, "Don't worry about it, it's like having small tits." As the owner of some mini-mammaries, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, it's not the same thing.

The most disturbing performance definitely went to Flo Rider, a 45-year old bisexual man who was clearly on something stronger than a Penis Colada. Rambling incoherently about being "in the scene forever" (the tiny penis scene?) he did an X-rated dance where he got completely nude and went to town. I felt like I was in the rock-bottom part of a Darren Aronofsky movie.

The last phase of the pageant was Swimwear, in which all the men lined up on the bar wearing only sheer loin-cloths while the judges measured their privates. Staying in the 1-3 inch range, it was truly a tiny affair. A group of blond girls calling themselves Penis Kittens sprayed the boys with cold water just to make sure nobody got excited.

After the measuring, the winner was finally crowned: The joke-cracking, dick-in-a-box-sporting Delivery Man, a.k.a. 27-year-old Nick Gilornan. Though definitely not the smallest member in the bunch, Nick won based on his awesome, fun personality. Just like in life, my friends, it's not about the size, it's about the man.

When asked if he would compete again next year, Nick told Brokelyn, “I don’t want to be like the Miami Heat and just winning all the time.” He's not just a winner ladies; he's a sweetie.

Want more musings from Rose? Follow her on Twitter.

Photos via Bek Andersen


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