9 Soul-Crushing Facebook Stalking Fails Everyone Makes

You've Facebook stalked and you know it. Maybe you're Facebook stalking right now in another tab right next to this one. I'm here to tell you it's nothing to be ashamed of — everyone's lurked on someone's Facebook page because they've hooked up with the person, or want to hook up with the person, or want to see the last person the stalkee has hooked up with. Of course, no one wants to be identified as Facebook creeping, so when you make your stalking obvious — which is awfully easy to do when you're rolling two glasses of wine deep — it's pretty embarrassing. But these Facebook stalking fails should be something we can bond over, rather than just feel horribly ashamed of.

1. The Search Bar Fail

Placing the name of the stalkee in your status instead of the search bar. Now as friends scroll through their news feeds looking at cat videos and engagement pics, they’ll see your status is simply "Alex Johnson." Great work. 

2. The "I Know Lots of Random Details About Your Life" Fail

Bumping into them IRL and asking about an event they attended five months ago that you'd only know about from looking at Facebook. "How was your sister's best friends' baby shower?" is not a good conversation starter if you're trying not to look like a huge creeper. Oh wait.

3. The Accidental Friending of Their Friends Fail

This is when you click on the profile picture of someone they are friends with on the mobile app, but accidentally send that person a friend request. There's no going back from this — you can't un-send a friend request. This person has no idea who you are, and once they see who your one mutual friend is, they'll have your shady ways all figured out.

4. The Picture Tag Fail

You know when you upload a picture via the mobile app, and then proceeding to tag your friends and in doing so accidentally tag your stalkee because you were thinking about the person all day? FYI: you can’t remove a photo tag until you're using the desktop version of Facebook. And desktop is so 2011 so this is just awful.

5. The Desperately Immediate Comment Fail

Timing is important on Facebook, and you don't want to comment on a status update too quickly because it makes it look like all you do is wait for a person to post something. Even though this is something you actually DO, you are supposed to be doing it secretly. This one has an easy fix, fortunately: appear as though you've just stumbled upon an update by waiting at least 15 minutes before commenting.

6. The Unintentional Photo Like Fail

This is when you try to look at comments on a photo via the mobile app and accidentally giving it a Like. If this happens — particularly if it's a photo of someone in a bathing suit — unlike the picture immediately. Unless the stalkee is on Facebook all the time, they won't realize that you disappeared from their notifications.

7. The Over-Commenting Fail

This fail involves liking and commenting on every single one of someone's posts. This could lead to all of their notifications being about you. Restraint, guys. Restraint.

8. The Keeping Your Browser Open to Their Profile for All to See Fail

Minimizing your browser without exiting their page. Let's say a friend comes over to use your laptop, they open it up, and bam, the first thing they see is the photos from that bachelor party you were just gawking at. Unless they are your BFF, it will be hard to explain. Face it, you're caught.

9. The Drunk Comment Fail

This needs no explanation. If you're out getting blasted on cosmopolitans and he posts, "I'm so sore from the gym," it will behoove you in the long run (meaning, the next morning when you wake up trying to remember everything you did last night) to resist the strong temptation to say something like, "Let me help you feel better... ;)" At least if you're going to flirty talk, send him drunk texts.

If you're ever in doubt about your ability to use that newfangled Facebook thing in a non-embarrassing way, do consider just not using it at all.

Want more from Dara? Follow her on Facebook and Twitter @dadeeyo.

Photo: HBO

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12 Dirty Talk Fails

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Valentine's Day Gift Fails

Buying a Valentine's Day gift for a new guy is tricky. You really like him, but you haven't been together all that long. Unfortunately, that leaves you open for the possibility of getting a present that seemed right in the moment and afterwards ... you realize it was so, so wrong.

He Says:

“One month into dating, a girl gave me a cat for Valentine’s Day. She knew I had just parted with a cat from a previous ex, and she thought that if she replaced that cat with a new one, maybe I’d stop thinking about my ex. It was way too permanent for such a short relationship - and I never said I wanted another cat! I wound up having to give it to the Humane Society.”
- Justin N.

“Just three months into dating a girl, I received a scrapbook of ‘our memories’ for Valentine’s Day. It contained ticket stubs from events we’d gone to together, and other mementos. I pretended to think it was awesome, but it actually freaked me out a little. I thought it was way too soon.”
- Stefan K.

“I had a girlfriend of a couple months who gave me clothes on Valentine’s Day. She told me she’d bought the clothes before we even got together, to give to whoever she ended up dating.”
- Dave R.

“I’d been on one date with a girl who was definitely on the wild side. Since neither of us had plans, we decided to meet for drinks on Valentine’s Day. I gave her a pair of earrings. She, in turn, surprised me with a pair of boxers covered in hearts AND A BONDAGE GAG BALL a la pulp fiction. She was serious about wanting to use it on me that night! Needless to say, there was no third date.”
- Lee H.

“I once got a bicycle on V-Day from a girl I’d been seeing for a month. It was overkill, and I am not a teenager.”
- Brenton L.

She Says:

“I’d been dating my boyfriend for just under a month. For V-Day, I thought it would be sexy to light some candles, invite him over, and open the door wearing nothing but a whipped cream bikini. I put the whipped cream on right when I heard him walking up to my front door, but the problem was, it didn’t stick to my body. The second he opened the door the whipped cream slid right off. I looked like a moron standing there naked with my hands on my hips and streaks of sticky residue all over me. He almost died laughing.”
- Holly K.

“I presented a guy with a stuffed dog that I’d given piercings to match all of my piercings. I thought the dog was cute … but that was the last time I saw or heard from him.”
- Meg W.

“I surprised my new guy with cologne in a gift box for V-Day. He got SUPER weird and said he didn’t wear cologne. I ended up breaking up with him that night and getting drunk on Godiva Chocolate Liquor – by myself.”
- Ayala G.

“I was dissecting a heart in class and came up with a brilliant idea: I traced the actual heart diagram and put an ‘I’ before it and a ‘U’ after it. Then I gave the drawing to my new guy. I didn’t actually ‘love’ him, but I thought it was quirky and fun. We shortly stopped dating.”
- Jacqueline J.

“For Valentine’s Day, my new boyfriend treated me to dinner, so I treated him to dessert at this romantic dessert place. I was so overwhelmed at the idea of finally having a valentine that I started crying – and continued to cry throughout dessert. He was sweet about it, but confused and a little embarrassed – people were staring at him because it looked like he was breaking up with me!”
- Samantha B.

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