12 Realistic New Year's Resolutions You Can Definitely Keep

It's that time of year again. You're ready to change your ways, turn over a new leaf, and actually conquer your resolutions — yeah, never mind all that. Here are easy resolutions you actually can do that don't involve cutting back on carbs or having less fun.

1) Resolve to not resolve to do something unrealistic. If you're not going to quit Diet Coke entirely or go to the gym every single day, don't tell yourself you will. (But do quit smoking. Cigarettes are worth the pain of being given up entirely.)

2) Throw out underwear and socks with holes in them. This is 2014. This year, you deserve better than drafty panties.

3) If you haven't already, watch Scandal. Watch every episode. Once you start you won't be able to stop so this will be easy, trust.

4. Subscribe to one less magazine. This way you might actually read all the ones that come to your house already. 

5. Do something naked other than bathe or screw. Just one time. Just one thing.

6. Be on time at least once. Don't be 20 minutes late. Just the once. Don't curl your hair before you leave the house, you'll be on time and look almost as good. You can deal with one night looking only almost as good as you want to. 

7. Drink a glass of water every day. So easy. You probably do this already!

8. Watch Pitch Perfect. It's on cable every five minutes. No excuses.

9. Learn how to make really fucking good mac and cheese. This may be the most rewarding item on this list.

10. Read one book. Even if it's Harry Potter or The Hunger Games — you don't have to read Infinite Jest for it to count. Or if you're feeling REALLY lazy just read one of those shorter ebooklet type things.    

11. Have something delivered. Dinner. That shoe rack you've been meaning to pick up at the Container Store. Whatever else you wish you had but are prevented by your own laziness from obtaining. Delivery is the gods' validation of your laziness and is nothing to be ashamed of.

12. Make a New Year's resolution.  

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Photo Credit: Miramax Films

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Report: Beyoncé Is Definitely Pregnant

When we heard E! was reporting that Beyoncé is pregnant again, we were all like...

We mean, she and Jay-Z are just so...

And Blue Ivy is all like...

You GUYS—remember when this happened?

Anywho, Beyoncé is back on the Mrs. Carter tour again after canceling a performance in Belgium due to "dehydration and exhaustion." Maybe this helped?

You just keep doing what you do, Bey.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we just need a minute.

Squee!

Follow Korin on Twitter.

Photo: Getty

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Yup, Definitely a Red Flag

Okay, sorry Grandmom Smith for making fun of you and your women’s intuition talk, because something was definitely up with Peter and his bullshit birthday party excuse. Let’s back up and start at the beginning, k?

So after I spoke to Peter, I relayed our conversation to Ashley. Ashley is usually a pretty good barometer when it comes to crazy—and I assumed she would tell me that on a scale of one to 10, I was being a Courtney Love. So when she confirmed my suspicion that something was up, my palms got gross and sweaty.

“So he said you would be bored?” Ashley asked for probably the tenth time.

“Yeah,” we were lying on my floor, eating Starbursts (She eats my yellows since I hate them and they’re her favorites, and I eat her oranges for the same reason. Proof positive that we are friend soulmates.) and watching a rerun of Law & Order: SVU.

“Do you think he’s ashamed to bring me around all his fancy rich friends?” I asked.

“No, Peter’s not like that,” Ashley said. “Also, he’s friends with Fedora Guy who makes a Real Housewife look classy.”

“Truth.”

“I don’t know what to think,” Ashley said. “Who knows, maybe he just needs a little space.”

“Maybe,” I said, but that didn't sound too promising either.

“I know who the killer is,” Ashley said to the TV screen. “Change it.”

“Well I don’t, Nancy Drew, so it’s staying.”

“Fine, I’m going on Facebook.” Ashley and I have an informal rule that we don’t go on Facebook when we’re watching Law & Order, because, inevitably, someone misses something and makes the other person explain it, and it’s annoying as hell.

“Fine,” I barked. “I’ll make an exception.”

I was unwrapping my 60th Starburst when I heard Ashley suck in a sharp breath behind me.

“Jos, come here.”

I knew it was Peter before I even saw it. Ashley handed the laptop to me and there it was—a blurry, Instagram of Peter with his arm around his ex-wife. I felt like throwing up all over their preppy faces.

“How did you get this?” I asked. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from it, or stop analyzing everything about it—their body language, their clothes, the expressions on their faces.

“It popped up on my newsfeed.” Ashley said.

“But Peter never goes on Facebook.”

“She tagged him in it. It’s her picture.” Their faces suddenly started to blur as my eyes filled up with tears.

“Okay, give this to me,” Ashley set the laptop aside and began rubbing my back. “Don’t jump to any conclusions.”

“What conclusions are there to jump to?” I wiped my eyes. “It’s all right in front of me.”

“Maybe he didn’t want you at the party because he knew it was going to be small, that she would be there, and he didn’t want it to be awkward.” Ashley hit mute on the TV and continued, “And maybe he had too much to drink and they had one warm moment, which someone happened to capture.”

“But why wouldn't he have just told me that?”

“Maybe because he was afraid you’d react like this.” Ashley gestured in my general, snot-covered direction.

“No,” I shook my head. “Peter is honest. If that was all it was, he would have told me. He didn't want me there for a reason. One he didn't want me to know.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Well what do I do now?” I took a shaky breath. “I can’t not ask him about this, but I don't want him to think I was stalking him on Facebook.”

“Just be honest,” Ash suggested. “Say I came across the picture and showed it to you.”

“It sounds so shady.”

“Well it’s the truth. And how else are you going to figure out what’s going on?”

“I could just point blank ask him if he was being honest with me. If he really had a birthday party to go to, and if he really didn't invite me because he thought I would be bored.”

Ashley nodded her head. “Okay, sure. But if it were me, I’d ask out right.”

Ergh. I am sick over this. Do you think there’s a reasonable explanation for this? Or do you think something shady really is going on?

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