Your iPhone is Bedazzled with pink rhinestones. You own the Sex and The City box set on DVD, and you KNOW you're the Carrie. You quote Mean Girls a lot, and lost your virginity unmemorably, to a boy who wore a Livestrong bracelet. You tend to bulldoze most of the people around you, but you’re so freaking charming that nobody really minds. However, you could stand to develop some listening skills and stop being so stubborn. You are… Jessica Wakefield.
You can generally be found writing in your journal or reading Joan Didion essay collections on the train. You think spending a lot of money on beauty or hair products is dumb, considering there are so many worthier causes to give money to. You lost your virginity to a college boyfriend who cared about you, who lit candles and maybe played Bob Dylan during it. You think Greek life is full of cretinous morons. You don’t realize that you’ll only be a good writer, and a good person, when you’re less judgmental of other people who don’t have the same values as you do. You are… Elizabeth Wakefield.
You are the guy who lit the candles and played Bob Dylan the first time you had sex with your girlfriend. Your Twitter is full of your strongly-worded opinions on politics, and when you get drunk you talk about the decay of modern society. You are handsome in a boring way, and kind of a bummer to be around. Not everyone wants to talk about UNICEF and gun control all the time, bro. You are… Todd Wilkins.
You are a perma-sidekick. You had an impossibly awkward Goth phase in middle school, and probably owned that one Hot Topic t-shirt that said “I’m only wearing black because there’s nothing darker.” In fact, you went through a number of very different phases in your adolescence, trying on identities to see if any fit. None really did, but that’s because you were insecure underneath whatever clique-specific clothes you had on. Unfortunately, you need to feel good about yourself first, because the clothes don’t make the (wo)man. You are the Hufflepuff house of Sweet Valley. You once fell in love with an actual vampire. ("And when a body, drained of blood, is discovered behind the Dairi Burger, Elizabeth's mistrust explodes into a fear.") You are… Enid Rollins.
You Instagram pictures of yourself and your friends at exclusive clubs regularly, especially when a bottle of Veuve Clicqot on ice is involved. You have never stayed in a dive bar for more than 20 minutes, and actually fainted once when you had to use the bathroom in a Payless. You tend to talk shit about your friends behind their backs, except your one friend who has a boat, because obviously you don’t want to piss off the guy with a boat. You could stand to be a little more loyal, and also stop talking about how people who need welfare are “lazy.” You are… Lila Fowler.
[This guy never got a book cover, but he did make the TV show (above.)]
You put a lot of emphasis on being able to make people laugh, especially in places they’re not supposed to (church, quiet piano recitals, class, during those Sarah McLachlan PETA commercials), and possibly have a semi-abrasive joke-Twitter. One way or the other, you have strong feelings about Family Guy. And you’ve taken UCB improve classes. But underneath the LOLZ, you are scared of getting close to someone and obsess about your own shortcomings. You are a sad clown. In other words, you are… Winston Egbert.
You are a straight, white, wealthy, heterosexual man, and you take it for granted. You’re one of those guys who wears seventeen popped collar polos on top of each other until you are so layered in clothes you can barely walk, and sort of waddle like the Michelin Man. Day-drinking is a sport to you. Your natural habitat is a Princeton eating club or the locker room of a Duke lax game. You call it “lax.” You have girls you hook up with casually and girls you date, and never shall the twain meet. But you’d probably be happier, and have way cooler girlfriends, if you did. You are… Bruce Patman.
You are so, so over the suburbs. You wear long dangly earrings and scarves, generally dress like an aging Method acting teacher, and have Oscar Wilde quotes in your Facebook profile. You long to be in a big city like New York (L.A. is too materialistic), where you can study your boho artistic discipline of choice without being labeled an outcast or a hippie. You roll your eyes every time your mom wants to go to the Olive Garden. (You’re vegan.) You know who Ingmar Bergman was, and you never hesitate to remind people of this, almost to an insufferable point. You are… Olivia Davidson.
You are an all-American, BBQ-crazy, football-playing, rather empty-headed (at first glance) male teen. You answer questions with grunts and play video games when you’re not on the field. You sometimes wish you were able to be more articulate about your feelings, but you have been socialized to believe that’s pansy-ish. It’s not. There’s more depth to you than people realize. You are… Ken Matthews.
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