Your Inner Monologue During an Insane Workout DVD

-0:01. Okay, here we go. Taking the tag off my $120 Lululemon Spandex-And-Gold-Leaf Stretch Pants For Women Who Have Their Shit Together. This cannot possibly be that hard. Right?

0:00. Maybe I should go to Page 10 of the Google image search results for "30 Day Shred before/afters" for motivation. [Goes to Page 20] Okay, done. DVD is in. Cat is locked in bathroom.

0:02. There’s Jillian. Damn, she’s muscular. I don’t know if I want to be that muscular. I want to be toned but still look delicate and tiny and like I can take a bath in a thimble.

0:04. This isn’t awful. Arm-swinging. I feel kind of ridiculous, but no big deal.

0:06. Wait, that was just a warmup?

0:10. OH NO.

0:11. Hahahahah, pushups. My arms are basically twigs. Does she think I'm an extra in Full Metal Jacket or something? Okay, let me try the modified version. [tries] No.

I am so, so glad I am doing this by myself, without any fitter, hotter spectators to LOL heartily at me.

0:12. My knees hurt. How long has it been since I moved? Had fire been invented yet? Why aren’t we taking any breaks? Oh, she says it’s because we need to give it all we got. Jenna at work told me this wasn't that hard. But Jenna also humblebrags about missing the gym for one day and then feeling soooo fat after eating a huge salad. I'll tell you where to shove your salad, goddamn Jenna.

0:13. It really helps when Jillian talks about having the kind of body that will make your exes jealous. She should say that more, because for a few seconds afterwards I don’t want to sweat blood and die here on my floor.

0:14. Come on, think about that Bridget Jones' Diary montage where throws out all her self-help books and starts exercising. IIIIIII’M EVERY WOMAN, IT’S ALL IN MEEEEEE—

0:15. My thighs are burning like a flaming Viking death pyre. Somebody needs to invent an exercise where you just get a six-pack from watching My Cat From Hell and eating green curry chicken.

0:16. I feel nothing in my abs during the one-minute abs part. Am I normal?

0:17. Yeah! You’re right, Jillian! If they can do this on The Biggest Loser, so can I! I do deserve the body I want! I can get through three rounds of this workout!

0:18. Oh my God, the two girls behind you are sweating bullets. Even the one doing the modifiers. I am fucked.

0:19. I NEED A WATER BREAK BUT IF I TAKE A WATER BREAK I AM A FAILURE AND WON’T MAKE MY EX JEALOUS/BE ABLE TO LIFT HIM OVER MY HEAD AND THROW HIM AGAINST A WALL LIKE A WWF STAR, BRAYING MY VICTORY TO THE SKY LIKE A ROMAN WARRIOR.

0:20. If I have to stretch and strain every muscle in my body for one more second I am going to lose it. If I have to squat one more time I am going to call this off and move to a remote island nation where I never have to think about mountain-climbers again.

0:21. Cooldown. Oh, thank God. I made it. It’s over. Resist urge to skip the post-workout stretching and jump into a soothing shower immediately.

Do I have abs yet? Are there any more before/afters I missed on Google? Will I actually force myself to do this tomorrow?

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Photo Credit: Getty

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Workout Wear You Can Wear Anywhere

Fashion meets fitness when you throw this chic gym bag over your shoulder.

PS: It has a pocket for every single thing you might want to bring to the gym.

Lulu Lemon Method Bag, $138, lululemon.com

From Cosmopolitan.com. Visit Amazon Beauty Center here

The Easy Calorie-Burning Workout You Need to Try

We’ve always admired Fergie’s body—she’s toned without being crazy-muscular. That’s why we listened up when she spilled to Rachael Ray about how she stays in such great shape.

According to the Black Eyed Peas singer, the secret to her great bod is jumping rope. We’ve heard that before—Eva Mendes, Adriana Lima, and Kate Hudson swear by it, too.

They’re definitely onto something says Scott Katzenstein, a certified personal fitness instructor for Equinox (Fergie also works out with an Equinox trainer, btw). He told us jumping rope is one of the best cardio workouts you can do—and it burns 15-20 calories per minute. That means if you jumped for 20 minutes, you’d burn 300-400 calories. Um, yes please!

He recommends this simple workout to snag a Fergie-like bod. In this order...

•Jump rope for one minute at a comfortable pace
•Do 10 push-ups
•Jump rope for 30 seconds at a fast pace
•Do 20 squats
•Jump rope for two minutes at a gradually increasing the pace
•Do a plank for 30 seconds
•Repeat all the steps four times

Our favorite part of this routine (besides the fab results)? You can do it outside...or at home in front of the TV.

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Meet Your New Workout Trick

We’re always looking for new ways to work out more efficiently, so any trick that promises to make us more fit with less effort is guaranteed to catch our eye.

That’s why we were excited by a new study from Stanford University that found keeping your hands cool when you exercise will help you work out better.

Random, right? In the study, researchers tracked women for three months and found that those who used a device to keep their palms chilly were able to work out faster and longer than those who didn’t. They also lost weight.

Here’s the idea behind it: Scientists discovered that if you can slow the rate that your internal temperature rises, you don’t feel as uncomfortable when you’re working up a sweat. Your palms are ideal for keeping you cool since they contain so many nerves, which circulate blood. By cooling them, you keep your blood temperature lower, which makes your entire body feel less overheated.

The device researchers used isn’t available in stores, but they said holding a bottle of cold water while you work out can have the same effect.

What do you think—will you try this trick?

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Meet Your New Workout Buddy: Caffeine

Recently, we noticed a growing trend in Hollywood. We’ve spotted loads of celebs like Mila Kunis, Nicole Richie, and Molly Sims leaving the gym with what appears to be a cup of coffee in their hand.  

We get the whole idea of sipping on some java before you work out—studies have shown it can help you exercise harder and longer than usual. But won’t it dehydrate you after a sweat fest?  

Nope, says Cosmo Radio health expert Jennifer Wider, M.D. Yes, coffee is a diuretic that can lead to dehydration, she says, but it doesn’t dry out the average person unless you drink a ton of it.

Not only that, having a post-workout brew can actually be good for you. Studies have found that caffeine can decrease muscle pain after you work out. Dr. Wider says the theory is that caffeine blocks a biochemical that plays a role in the pain cycle, so you don’t feel achy or sore after a tough gym session.

Another recent study published in the American Psychological Society found that post-exercise caffeine can also help your muscles refuel if you pair it with a carb, like a banana.

Our recommendation: Stick with one cup of coffee after the gym since too much caffeine can make your heart race and leave you feeling jittery.

Do you drink coffee after you work out?

Photo: The India Today Group

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