Ask a Granny/Ask a Teen: To Settle or Not to Settle

Every week, I ask my 83-year-old grandma and a random teen to answer a question about dating.  Then I weigh in with my own horrible Generation Y opinion.  Having trouble navigating the Gitmo prison yard that is modern dating?  Find out what three different generations have to say.

The Question: I'm 20 years old and I have a great boyfriend, Jimmy. We've been together for just over a year, we live together, put our incomes together and even have a puppy. We do everything together. His family loves me but I've never really had a good support system when it comes to my own friends and family so sometimes it seems like he's all I have. Everything's great, except that sometimes I feel like I'm not the type of girl that wants to be in a relationship, or at least not yet. I love new experiences and meeting new people, and I've fantasized about being a writer in New York City with my own apartment, completely independent. My question is, is there something wrong that I'm not jumping into this perfect relationship? Or is it normal for me to feel this way? I love my boyfriend, I just kind of wish I had had a few more years on my own, to get my life together and figure out who I am.

Sincerely, Stefanie

The Granny: Shirley Cozen is 83 years old, has been married for over 50 years, and raised four kids. She has been proposed to three times, started dating when she was 12, and has been a ridiculous babe her entire life. She knows a thing or two about a thing or two.

She Says: "I’m very impressed with you Stefanie. I think you have a lot of personal insight for someone your age. Your instincts are telling you not to narrow your world down to this wonderful boy but to stay open to new experiences. I say follow your gut. This is the time to do it! I think you should move into your own place and make some new friends. I don’t think you need to break up with your boyfriend if the relationship is gratifying but give yourself some space to explore. Otherwise, if you stay in the relationship and it fails down the road, all you have left is half a puppy!

I was engaged at 19 and married when I was 20. But I didn’t have the feelings that you have. I had lived a lot of places, I had had a lot of relationships, and I was ready to settle down. Also, it was a different era. When I was growing up, everyone was getting married at 20 years old. Any later and you’d be an old maid! In those days, everything was more compacted. If you wanted to find yourself, you didn’t take a year off and go to Europe, you took the afternoon off and went to the beach.

The Teen: Amy is a bubbly blond 16 year-old living in Lincoln, Michigan who dreams of becoming a writer.

She Says: I've also had this exact same worry before. I'm a junior in high school, but I've always been in long-term relationships. Sometimes I think I've been missing out on the carefree teenage flirting, but I also really enjoy having a person I know I can rely on at the end of the day. My advice would be to tell him about your goals, such as moving to New York, and see how he feels about them. If he doesn't support your dreams, he shouldn't be included in them!

The Millennial: I’m a 29 years-young lady who has finally learned to stop dating musicians and bartenders.  Hurray!  Dating is like riding a bike—it’s easy and fun but also you could die.

She Says: Stefanie, here’s what you do: Repress all your secret dreams of moving to New York and having an exciting career. Then, marry your boyfriend before you’re ready and spend the rest of your life staring out the window and sighing. When your husband asks you what’s wrong just mumble faintly, “Nothing, everything.” Doesn’t that sound FIERCE? #Nope

Do you know what YOLO means, Stefanie? It means move to New York and become a writer! You are far too young to put your dreams on the back burner for a guy, no matter how amazing he is. You don't realize it now, but you're so young and you're going to change so much. When I was 20, I was listening to the Counting Crows and I wanted to be a slam poetess! I agree, Stef, it is shameful. If I married the guy I was dating at 20 it would be be a white dude with dreads and a hoop nose ring. And I'm not just saying this to scare you (I am a little).

This is the time in your life to have adventures. Get a stupid edgy haircut, move away from home, backpack across Europe and go to third base with an Italian soldier (I can't endorse this enough).

Studies have shown (I’m actually making this up because it feels right) that couples who get married later in their lives have a higher chance of staying together. This is because they’ve lived a little, they’ve tasted the fruits of other people’s loins and they know themselves. I’m sure it’s deeply comforting to have a boyfriend that feels like family to you, especially if you aren’t close to your own family, but you’re a strong woman, I can tell. If a voice inside of you is whispering, “Go to New York, take a chance” don't ignore it.

As a writer living in New York, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: It’s the f*cking best. Get out here and show us what you got!

Cosmo babes, what do you think about this situation? Leave your comments below and send all dating/relationship/love questions to rsurnow@hearst.com.

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Ask a Granny/Ask a Teen: Loving the Wrong Man

Every week, I ask my 83-year-old grandma and a random teen to answer a question about dating.  Then I weigh in with my own horrible Generation Y opinion.  Having trouble navigating the Gitmo prison yard that is modern dating?  Find out what three different generations have to say.

The Question: I’m 36 years old and I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year, Mike. We were totally in love and totally connected but he just so happens to be a 24-year-old who lives with his parents. I want to have a kid soon and he’s not even ready to move to in together, so I broke up with him. Now, I’m dating this new guy James who, at 37, is way more age-appropriate, is really sweet and caring and ready to settle down. The problem is, I can’t shake Mike. I’m still in love with him. I feel like one of these guys is going to be my future life partner, but I’m not sure who. I don’t know what to do!

The Granny: Shirley Cozen is 83 years old, has been married for over 50 years, and raised four kids. She has been proposed to three times, started dating when she was 12, and has been a ridiculous babe her entire life. She knows a thing or two about a thing or two.

She Says: "Well, with the younger one, you already know that you can’t have what you want. So the only reason to stay with him is if you feel like it's worth giving up your dream of having a family. It’s really that simple. I know when you’re in love it’s so exciting, your heart beats faster, your knees get weak and you can’t think with anything but your crotch, but this guy is not gonna stay with you. He’s gonna get bored, or restless, or overwhelmed and in a year or so, he’ll move on. He’s just too young for what you want.

I keep thinking about that Ashton Kutcher-Demi Moore combo. She wanted that young boy-toy but it became a prison for him. He hadn’t had time to live his life yet. And this boy is the same. As far as the other guy, go out with him and see how you feel about it. Obviously, you can’t marry him if you’re not attracted to him, but give it a chance if you think there might be something there."

The Teen: Jenna is a 19-year-old sophomore at U-Mass Amherst studying to be a vet. When she's not suffering through organic chemistry she's usually hanging with her "hella manly" boyfriend Matt, who she is completely nuts about.

She Says: "I know a lot of kids whose parents got married or stay married just because it seems convenient and like the right thing to do, but they don’t seem very happy. James sounds like a great guy but you can’t force yourself to fall in love with someone. If there’s no spark, there’s no spark, no matter how nice he is. I dated someone who I wanted to like so much, but it got so annoying because I was forcing it and I couldn’t keep it going. If you end up with a guy you’re not really in love with, its gonna be emotionally draining for you and it probably won’t end well."

The Millennial: I’m a 29 years-young lady who has finally learned to stop dating musicians and bartenders.  Hurray!  Dating is like riding a bike—it’s easy and fun but also you could die.

Sometimes if a girl complains about choosing between two men, it can seem like a fake problem. Like, for my vacation this year should I go cave snorkeling in Tulum or beach raving in Ibiza? SOMEBODY HELP! But I get it, it’s real. It’s a good problem, but it’s still a problem.

As someone on the cusp of her 30’s (FML) I totally sympathize with your situation, because as you get older, dating gets more intense. In your 20’s it’s like, “He has cool tattoos and rides a Vespa, I’m in!’ In your 30’s it’s more like, “He has health insurance and lives by himself...intriguing.” All your friends start to get married, your ovaries are foaming at the mouth and societal pressure is over-the-top.

I always think about the way the media portrayed Jennifer Aniston before she was engaged to Justin Theroux. Here is a woman who is literally a millionaire, has an amazing career, a bangin’ bod, and the headlines were like, “Poor Jen, what a stupid loser! Her life makes me sad.” It was crazy. If that’s how they treat Jennifer Aniston for being single, what about the rest of the population? The point is I’m terrified of turning 30. Am I answering your question? Probably not.

If you are 36 and want kids, I hate to say it, but ditch the hot piece. Being with someone is about more than just feeling super passionate, although that is important. It’s also about timing and lifestyle and wanting the same things. If you stay with him, you’ll get a kid, but not the kind that comes out of your cha cha.

That being said, you also can’t just marry someone else because they fit the requirements. I have a feeling that you’re leaning on this other guy because you want to get over Mike. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I don’t think either of these guys is “the one.” Not to sound like a tarot card reader at Burning Man, but I think you need to just live your amazing life and be your amazing self, and the right person will show up. Wamp wamp, don’t hate me.

Cosmo babes, what do you think about this situation? Leave your comments below and send all dating/relationship/love questions to rsurnow@hearst.com.

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Ask a Granny/Ask a Teen: How to Get Your Lover to Drop</br> Some Lbs

Every week, I ask my 83-year-old grandma and a random teen to answer a question about dating.  Then I weigh in with my own horrible Generation Y opinion.  Having trouble navigating the Gitmo prison yard that is modern dating?  Find out what three different generations have to say.

The Question: I know it's normal for people to gain a little weight when they are in happy relationships. My boyfriend had an awesome body but he now has a beer belly and I want him to lose a little weight. How can I make that happen without being a nag and focusing on the negative? Whenever I mention it he is always receptive and agrees but he doesn't do anything about it. Do you have any tips on how I can approach this in a positive way?

The Granny: Shirley Cozen is 83 years old, has been married for over 50 years, and raised four kids. She has been proposed to three times, started dating when she was 12, and has been a ridiculous babe her entire life. She knows a thing or two about a thing or two.

She Says: "I deal with this myself all the time because I’m a little heavier than I need to be because, what the hell, I love eating and drinking. In my own experience, I don’t react well when grandpa says, 'You don’t need that extra piece of bread.' I react better when he says, “Come on honey, talk a walk along the Esplanade with me.”

The best thing to do in this situation is encourage your boyfriend to exercise with you, suggest you guys go for a run or a walk, or a bike ride. If you want him to slim down, you’re going to have to work out right alongside him. Horrible, I know. But that’s the best way because nagging doesn’t work.

It is not an easy thing to make someone change. You know the old saying, 'The only one you can really change is yourself.” So change you own habits and bring him along for the ride."

The Teen: Amy is a bubbly blond 16 year-old living in Lincoln, Michigan who dreams of being a writer.

She Says: "I can kind of relate to this because my boyfriend right now is trying to slim down for the Marine Corps. He’s not really chunky, but he’s a bigger guy. I don’t care at all about his weight, but it’s important for him to drop some pounds. Because I love him I decided to make it a team thing. I said, 'I’ll run with you and we can do it together.' I can always get in better shape. We are partners, we’re in it together."

The Millennial: I’m a 29 years-young lady who has finally learned to stop dating musicians and bartenders.  Hurray!  Dating is like riding a bike—it’s easy and fun but also you could die.

My jaw is literally on the floor. I can't believe what compassionate and loving women my granny and this rando teen are! Love it. In my case, it would be extremely difficult to get someone I was dating to work out with me because I prefer trendy, spandex, vagina-centric aerobics classes. I’m talking Zumba, African dance, yoga, pilates, etc. Basically if hip swivels are involved, I’m in. It would take a real man, or more likely a gay man, to be down for that.

The point is, I’m a terrible monster who loves a funky new workout trend. But seriously, it’s really hard to tell someone that you love, especially someone you are knocking boots with, that there is something about their physical appearance that bothers you. I mean, why lie, I have nipple hairs that I have to pluck on the regs. Where my Middle Eastern//Mediterranean girls at? If a guy ever brought that up, I would light myself on fire.

I can’t imagine bringing up a weight issue with someone I was dating. Think about how awkward it is to tell someone that they have something in their teeth! And that’s just a piece of mango meat! That being said, if you really love someone and something about them is bothering you, you gotta talk it out. Otherwise you just stew in secret resentment which makes everything terrible. The reality is that a major part of a healthy romantic relationship is maintaining a good sex life, and that means being attracted to your partner.

Plus, working out can actually be fun, especially if you’re out in nature. Some of my most fun, romantic dates involved long, scenic bike rides or lazy, twilight walks. Remember when life hands you a chubby boyfriend, throw him in a kayak and make him paddle you around while you text your mom and read magazines. You’re welcome.

Cosmo babes, what do you think about this situation? Leave your comments below and send all dating/relationship/love questions to rsurnow@hearst.com.

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Ask a Granny/Ask a Teen: The Disappearing Date

Every week, I ask my 83-year-old grandma and a random teen to answer a question about dating.  Then I weigh in with my own horrible Generation Y opinion.  Having trouble navigating the Gitmo prison yard that is modern dating?  Find out what three different generations have to say.  

The Question:  What do you do if you have an amazing date with a guy, you totally click, and then weeks go by and you don’t hear a word.  Do you send a text?  Do you get in touch?  Or do you let the dream die?

The Granny: Shirley Cozen is 83 years old, has been married for over 50 years, and raised four kids. She has been proposed to three times, started dating when she was 12, and has been a ridiculous babe her entire life. She knows a thing or two about a thing or two.

She Says: "I’d give it up because I don’t want any pain.  It’s been my experience that if you’re pursuing somebody that has not demonstrated any interest in continuing, then you might be able to have a few more encounters but it sounds like there is gonna be some pain for you.  I’m not interested in feeling tortured.  

I never was so madly in love with someone where I needed to pursue them.  With grandpa, he intrigued me, I was interested, all of the externals were there. It was only as I got to know him that I fell in love with him.  Because he wasn’t a splashy kind of guy.  You had to spend some time to see how sweet and deep he was."

The Teen: Amy is a bubbly blond 17-year-old living in Lincoln, Michigan who loves all things fashion and style. An aspiring magazine writer with plenty of boy experience, she describes herself as "usually in a relationship."

She Says: "If I were in that situation, I would definitely make an attempt to get in touch with him first. I'd call maybe once or twice to see if he was still interested. I would reach out because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Something may happened or maybe he lost my number."

The Millennial: I’m a 29 years-young lady who has finally learned to stop dating musicians and bartenders.  Hurray!  Dating is like riding a bike—it’s easy and fun but also you could die.

There is nothing more confusing than having a fabulous time with someone and then never hearing back from them. It makes you question everything.  Should I change careers?  Who am I?  Do I even look good in bangs?

The point is that next to “the goatee” and vajazzling, getting the brush off is society’s most confounding dilemma.

Having been in this exact situation before, my advice is if a guy isn’t reaching out to you after a date, no matter how much fun you had, DO NOT contact him.  Trust me. There is no secret reason that he’s isn’t calling; his phone isn’t broken, his family is not in town, he didn’t break his texting fingers in a karate accident.  The bottom line is, “He’s just not that into you.”  

I am a feminist, but I’m also a realist.  And one thing I’ve learned is that if a guy likes you, he will do something about it.  When I was younger and just beginning to date, I had a Sally Bowles “anything goes” philosophy.  If you like a guy, ask them out!  If you want to call them, call them!  Who cares! No rules!  Hakuna Matata!  

But actual life experience and years of dating have taught me otherwise.  It is (almost) always better when the guy comes to you.  I hate to admit it, it sounds so traditional, and archaic and lame, but it’s true.

Do yourself a favor, only let people in your life that really want to be there.  You deserve someone who is dying to see you, not someone you need to convince to hang out.  To quote myself, “Next!”

Cosmo babes, what would you do in this situation? Also, we are dying to hear from YOU! Send all your dating and relationship queries to rsurnow@hearst.com.

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Ask a Granny/Ask a Teen: Two Girls, One Crush

Introducing: Ask a Granny/Ask A Teen, a recurring feature in which I ask my 83-year-old grandma and a random teen to answer a question about dating. Then, I weigh in with my own horrible Generation Y opinion. Having trouble navigating the Gitmo prison yard that is modern dating? Find out what three different generations have to say!

The Question: What do you do if you and a bestie like the same guy? You already like the same music, clothes and books, so it's no big surprise that you might be attracted to the same man beast, ya know? Are you supposed to back down or is it an “every woman for herself” sitch?

The Granny: Shirley Cozen is 83 years old, has been married for over 50 years, and raised four kids. She has been proposed to three times, started dating when she was 12, and has been a ridiculous babe her entire life. She knows a thing or two about a thing or two.

She Says: "Unless I fell down on the floor with weakened knees because he came on so strong, I would back off. If my friend was crazy for him for some time and there was a chance that he might like her, I wouldn’t do anything. My mom always used to tell me, "There’s a lot of fish in the sea, if you don’t have one boyfriend, you’ll have another, but a girlfriend is a treasure."

However, if he’s clearly not interested in my friend, then I would feel perfectly justified going ahead because I’m not ruining anything. I would certainly communicate with her first and be as honest and transparent as I could be, but whether she was crazy for him or not, if he was not returning the favor, I would consider him happy hunting.

The Teen: Keiko is a very pretty and popular 16 year old high school student. She’s outspoken, funny and a hit with the boys.

She Says: I had a really close friend who liked this guy for three years, basically all of middle school. And then the summer between 8th and 9th grade he liked me, so we went out. I still don’t know if it was the right or wrong thing to do. I’m still really close to my female friend, so it didn’t ruin our friendship or anything like that.

I asked her if it was okay if I went out with him but it wasn’t quite honest asking her, because I knew she was going to say 'yes' either way. She’s too shy to say how she really feels. In the future, I don’t know what I would do. I’m pretty sure if this happened to me, I wouldn’t be okay with it. But I don’t know if that means I wouldn’t do it to someone else again.

The Millennial: I agree with my granny on this one. I think if the crush in question is 100 percent uninterested in your friend, he’s fair game. Because, whether you date or him or not, it’s not affecting your friend’s chances. But obviously it’s more complex than that because no one wants to hurt their friend.

Pull up a bean bag and let me tell you a tale. In high school, my best friend Annie had a crush on a guy named Evan. Unfortunately, Evan didn’t like Annie, he liked me (can you blame him? Don’t answer that). It was a complicated, messy love triangle involving three dorky virgins. I was completely torn, I loved Annie, but I also had major crotch murmurs for Evan! What to do? In the end I was so worried about my ruining my friendship that I ignored Evan’s advances and buried my feelings.

In retrospect, I regret not acting on my desires. Not that Evan was the love of my life or anything, but we had a real connection. As I get older I’ve learned that a real romantic spark is rare. It doesn’t happen every day, and when it does, you need to seize it. A real friend will understand that.

Cosmo gals: What do you think about BFF's double-crushing on one man? Let us know what you would do in this crazy-difficult sitch...

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Ask a Granny/Ask a Teen: "Putting the F In Friendship"

Every week, I ask my 83-year-old grandma and a random teen to answer a question about dating. Then, I weigh in with my own horrible Generation Y opinion. Having trouble navigating the Gitmo prison yard that is modern dating? Find out what three different generations have to say!

The Question: What do you do if you develop a crush on a good friend? Should you say something? Is it possible to take a bowl of lukewarm friendship and turn into spicy f**k fiesta?

The Granny: Shirley Cozen is 83 years old, has been married for over 50 years, and raised four kids. She has been proposed to three times, started dating when she was 12, and has been a ridiculous babe her entire life. She knows a thing or two about a thing or two.

She Says: “Here’s the thing, your friend isn’t gonna magically divine this change in your emotional makeup by reading the signs in your eyes. If you want to have a different kind of relationship, you have to practice something that is so hard, it’s called complete honesty. Tell him how you feel! Otherwise it’s an unrequited emotional weight that brings you down. Who needs that?"

The Teen: Eli is a 19-year-old college freshman at Bard College. He has a lip ring and a Grateful Dead poster in his room. Ahhh, college.

He Says: “This has happened to me a bunch of times. My strategy is just go for it. (Laughs). Nothing is gonna happen if you don’t do anything. What I do is I start being more flirty and touchy to show that I’m interested. But before I try and kiss them, I talk to them first. I will say something like, ‘We’ve been friends for a long time and now I don’t wanna just be friends because I don’t feel that way anymore.’ The last time I did it, it worked. It was a hard transition, but it worked out."

The Millennial: I’m a 29-years-young lady who has finally learned to stop dating musicians and bartenders. Hurray! Dating is like riding a bike—it’s easy and fun—but also you could die.

In my experience, if you have strong feelings for a friend, you have to tell them. And if they don’t have those feelings back, I usually end the friendship. Why would I want to spend all my time with a cool guy that I’m attracted to and NOT smooch them? That’s like hanging out with a chocolate cake and just having “awesome conversations” with it. Nightmare.

I have an embarrassing story about this. I became friends with a really hot guy, let’s call him Chad (that sounds hot in an 80’s way, right?). Chad was super flirty with me and we would hang out and go to movies and get drinks and talk about our families and our lives. We were becoming really close and it was super confusing. I wanted to attack him every time I saw him but I didn’t know how he felt. Then one day he texted me something like, “Thanks so much for helping me with that paper. Oh, Rose, I love you.” I was so excited. I texted him back, “I’m so glad you said that! I’ve had a crush on you forever!” He immediately wrote back, “Oh no, I’m so sorry, I meant I love you like a friend. I hope you’re not mad.”

Mad? No. Embarrassed? Hell to- the-yes. I wanted to be like, “I was just kidding about the crush!” He wanted to keep being friends, but I wasn’t into it. I don’t need to be some hot dude’s life coach. Next!

Cosmo gals: What do you think about telling your friend you are totally turned on by him/her? Let us know in the comments!

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Ask a Granny/Ask a Teen: "Putting the F In Friendship"

Every week, I ask my 83-year-old grandma and a random teen to answer a question about dating. Then, I weigh in with my own horrible Generation Y opinion. Having trouble navigating the Gitmo prison yard that is modern dating? Find out what three different generations have to say!

The Question: What do you do if you develop a crush on a good friend? Should you say something? Is it possible to take a bowl of lukewarm friendship and turn into spicy f**k fiesta?

The Granny: Shirley Cozen is 83 years old, has been married for over 50 years, and raised four kids. She has been proposed to three times, started dating when she was 12, and has been a ridiculous babe her entire life. She knows a thing or two about a thing or two.

She Says: “Here’s the thing, your friend isn’t gonna magically divine this change in your emotional makeup by reading the signs in your eyes. If you want to have a different kind of relationship, you have to practice something that is so hard, it’s called complete honesty. Tell him how you feel! Otherwise it’s an unrequited emotional weight that brings you down. Who needs that?"

The Teen: Eli is a 19-year-old college freshman at Bard College. He has a lip ring and a Grateful Dead poster in his room. Ahhh, college.

He Says: “This has happened to me a bunch of times. My strategy is just go for it. (Laughs). Nothing is gonna happen if you don’t do anything. What I do is I start being more flirty and touchy to show that I’m interested. But before I try and kiss them, I talk to them first. I will say something like, ‘We’ve been friends for a long time and now I don’t wanna just be friends because I don’t feel that way anymore.’ The last time I did it, it worked. It was a hard transition, but it worked out."

The Millennial: I’m a 29-years-young lady who has finally learned to stop dating musicians and bartenders. Hurray! Dating is like riding a bike—it’s easy and fun—but also you could die.

In my experience, if you have strong feelings for a friend, you have to tell them. And if they don’t have those feelings back, I usually end the friendship. Why would I want to spend all my time with a cool guy that I’m attracted to and NOT smooch them? That’s like hanging out with a chocolate cake and just having “awesome conversations” with it. Nightmare.

I have an embarrassing story about this. I became friends with a really hot guy, let’s call him Chad (that sounds hot in an 80’s way, right?). Chad was super flirty with me and we would hang out and go to movies and get drinks and talk about our families and our lives. We were becoming really close and it was super confusing. I wanted to attack him every time I saw him but I didn’t know how he felt. Then one day he texted me something like, “Thanks so much for helping me with that paper. Oh, Rose, I love you.” I was so excited. I texted him back, “I’m so glad you said that! I’ve had a crush on you forever!” He immediately wrote back, “Oh no, I’m so sorry, I meant I love you like a friend. I hope you’re not mad.”

Mad? No. Embarrassed? Hell to- the-yes. I wanted to be like, “I was just kidding about the crush!” He wanted to keep being friends, but I wasn’t into it. I don’t need to be some hot dude’s life coach. Next!

Cosmo gals: What do you think about telling your friend you are totally turned on by him/her? Let us know in the comments!

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