Emotional Stages of a Crush, By Age

AGE 6 – 10
Josh looks poopy today.

AGE 11
I’m going to tell Josh he looks poopy today even though I actually think he looks kind of nice, then I’m going to rub dirt in his hair and run away cackling. No, I’m not. I’m just going to keep reading Madeline L’Engle, because I am a coward and don't understand my own changing body, also.

AGE 12
Wait. What's happening? I hate Josh. But I like how Josh smells. BUT I want to throw up every time Josh looks at me. What would it feel like to touch tongues with Josh? Probably gross. But maybe good. But probably just gross. Why am I wondering about this? K, now I’m gonna pretend I know what blowjobs are at sleepovers for the next three years.

AGE 13
I am going to send my best friend over to Josh’s cafeteria table with a note that asks if he likes me or not. That seems like the mature thing to do. If you guys would just stop giggling, hahaha, you’re totally embarrassing me! WAIT DON’T GO, WE NEED TO MOVE IN A HERD.

AGE 14 - 15
Oh my God, that’s what a blowjob is?

AGE 16
I had one Mike’s Hard Lemonade so I’m gonna tell Josh how drunk I am at this house party and see if maybe he makes a move. He’s too busy playing Super Smash Brothers Melee, so I’ll just go back to Erica’s house so we can talk about every second that Josh ever looked at me and then watch Steel Magnolias.

AGE 17 - 18
Someone told Josh that I’ve liked him for forever, so he asked me out by the lockers. So I guess we’re boyfriend and girlfriend now, right? Even though we haven’t really talked since then. We’re boyfriend and girlfriend now, right? Let’s talk on AIM for seven hours and talk in person once or twice, and then lose our virginities to each other in someone’s older brother’s gross party basement while someone listens to "Sunscreen" in the next room.

AGE 19 - 20
This guy in my recitation is cute, I’m gonna impress him by quoting Kierkegaard and speaking really passionately about some war, somewhere. Hey, cute guy, have you seen that hiLAAAArious satire about the financial crisis in The Onion? Yeah, I’m reading Infinite Jest, it truly is one of the greatest works of literature of our time please ask me out please ask me out please ask me out I’m boring myself.

AGE 21
Hey guy I’ve been talking to at the bar all night. You have kind eyes, and I’m drunk. Wanna ~*dO iT~*~?

AGE 22 - 25
Oh yeah. I’m not like most women. I’m not looking for anything serious either. I also really like whiskey. I’m like, completely different from any other woman you’ve ever hooked up with. Or, like, my vagina’s not different. That would be weird. But my personality is different. I’m just super like, chill, and not needy or anything. Want to hear me make a bunch of nervous dick jokes to try to prove I’m different?!

You're treating me terribly but I still can't help but like you because of your smell! I hate everything.

AGE 26
[See attractive man on train. In your head, go through entire process of courtship, first sexual encounter, engagement, marriage, childbearing, divorce, and attending his second marriage with a cool, civil poker face. Make brief eye contact. Man gets off at his stop. FAIL.]

AGE 27 - 30
Hey. I think you’re cute. I expect a certain level of respect from you. If that’s not cool, there’s the door.

Emotional Stages of Shopping
Emotional Stages of Partying
Emotional Stages of a Hangover

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Emotional Stages Of Seeing a Penis, By Age

AGE 15
Well, it’s dark, and his pants are on, but... this feels like a shape I’ve never seen before! Is there a name for this? Like a –gon? It’s not an octagon or a hexagon or a pentagon or a—

AGE 16

THEY CANNOT ALL LOOK LIKE THIS.

What if I'm hurting it? It doesn't look delicate, but what if I yank it off or something? I bet I'm not doing this right.

[five seconds later]

I did it!! I am a WooooOOOOOmAAAANNNNNN, who does SeXxxxyMaaaaGIc~~*~*.

AGE 17
Okay. I can put this in my mouth! No problem! Right? Yeah! Gonna do it. Gonna be the best. Natalie did it, and she said it was fine. After all, I ate Grandma Robin's Jell-O with pieces of meat in it, and I'm sure that was way worse than the weird protruding alien skin of a boy. Can I keep my eyes closed the whole time?

I’m just gonna glance at it when I have to, and then like, mostly just not look at it, even though it’s hard not to look at it. Like when you see a couple passive-aggressively fighting outside Jamba Juice! Just briefly glance, and then look away, because it’s polite.

When will I start thinking these are attractive? Does the fact that I think it's ugly mean that I don't like him that much? Is it wrong that I like everything up until when the penis comes out?

Man, I am never touching balls.

AGE 18 - 19
Whoa, this new one looks and feels different. I guess they’re all pretty different. I guess I'm starting to get into this part that happens after the penis comes out. I still kind of think they’re ugly. But maybe they’re kind of cute-ugly, like young Mick Jagger, or this dog.

Balls are still gross.

AGE 20
Holy crap. Is this gonna fit? I’m terrified.

AGE 21
Holy crap. Is this gonna fit? I’m terrified, but psyched.

AGE 22
I didn't really want to see this penis because we're friends. But it made a move on me after a few beers, and there's nothing good on, so what the hell.

I’m getting a little sick of this cavalcade of different penises. It’d be nice to have one penis around so I didn’t keep having to re-adjust my vagina's expectations.

AGE 23 - 24
Yep. There it is. One penis. The same one I see every other day, or every three days. The same one that takes out the trash and drags me to its friends’ weddings. It’s like an elbow at this point. I need to be seeing more penises at this point in my life. I cannot be chained to one penis.

AGE 25
It’s so nice to not have any penises around. I can finally go see that foreign film I wanted to see and make it to spin class on time and have a quiet, orderly life!

AGE 26
I need to see a penis or I’m going to scream.

AGE 27
I’ll never get used to this new penis. I should never have broken it off with that old penis. It wasn’t even old. It was just old to me. Why was I such a fool?

28 – 30
I was wrong. This is the right penis for me. Every day, I look forward to the joy it will bring.

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I Have an Emotional Hangover

April 4, 2012 at 4:21PM By Jessica Knoll | I went to bed giddy-as-hell last Wednesday night, but on Thursday I woke up in a glass box of emotions. All day long, I vacillated between sadness and nostalgia for what Eric and I had, excitement about the prospect of finally being able to act on my feelings for Trevor, anxiety about whether or not either of them would actually call, then irrational anger at the thought that they wouldn’t call and that all boys are a bunch of mind-effers. Thankfully, a little bit of clarity kicked in around 7 p.m. when I got a text from Trevor: Really good seeing you last night. What does next week look like for you? Well, actually Trevor, my week is practically wide open but Flirting 101 dictates that I pretend like I’m very busy and important so that you think you can’t have me and as a result, only want me more.

So I waited one hour, then texted him back that my week was crazy but I could grab drinks on Thursday (Truth: One work event Tuesday night, yoga with Ashley on Wednesday night, eating Pad Thai and watching Bravo all other nights). It took him about twenty minutes to respond, which in boy time is like sixty seconds so, well done, Trevor! He suggested we go to this little wine bar in Gramercy, which is kind of a random area to meet (it’s very residential) but he lives downtown and I live uptown, and Gramercy is in the middle, so I think he was just trying to make it easy for both of us.

But who is not making it easy on me is Eric. I know he asked if he could give me a call, but seriously, dude, if you’re so hell-bent on getting me back (which, ok, he didn’t exactly say, but I don’t know what else he’d want to meet with me about) then have a sense of urgency, why don’t you? I wish I could vent to Ashley about it, but she is Team Trevor all the way…and I understand why. Yeah, Eric broke my heart, and yeah, he was also probably cheating on me those last few months of our relationship, but the most hurtful thing about the way things ended was how out of left field it was. Up until the moment he dropped the break-up bomb on me, Eric was sweet and loving and gave no indication that he was having second thoughts about us. Being blindsided like that rocked me to the core, and even though I am only human, and I’m incredibly curious about what he has to say, I don’t see how I could ever trust him again.

Tell me what you think in the comments—should I even be giving Eric a chance? If you were me, would you?

From Cosmopolitan.com. Visit Amazon Beauty Center here

I Have an Emotional Hangover

April 4, 2012 at 4:21PM By Jessica Knoll | I went to bed giddy-as-hell last Wednesday night, but on Thursday I woke up in a glass box of emotions. All day long, I vacillated between sadness and nostalgia for what Eric and I had, excitement about the prospect of finally being able to act on my feelings for Trevor, anxiety about whether or not either of them would actually call, then irrational anger at the thought that they wouldn’t call and that all boys are a bunch of mind-effers. Thankfully, a little bit of clarity kicked in around 7 p.m. when I got a text from Trevor: Really good seeing you last night. What does next week look like for you? Well, actually Trevor, my week is practically wide open but Flirting 101 dictates that I pretend like I’m very busy and important so that you think you can’t have me and as a result, only want me more.

So I waited one hour, then texted him back that my week was crazy but I could grab drinks on Thursday (Truth: One work event Tuesday night, yoga with Ashley on Wednesday night, eating Pad Thai and watching Bravo all other nights). It took him about twenty minutes to respond, which in boy time is like sixty seconds so, well done, Trevor! He suggested we go to this little wine bar in Gramercy, which is kind of a random area to meet (it’s very residential) but he lives downtown and I live uptown, and Gramercy is in the middle, so I think he was just trying to make it easy for both of us.

But who is not making it easy on me is Eric. I know he asked if he could give me a call, but seriously, dude, if you’re so hell-bent on getting me back (which, ok, he didn’t exactly say, but I don’t know what else he’d want to meet with me about) then have a sense of urgency, why don’t you? I wish I could vent to Ashley about it, but she is Team Trevor all the way…and I understand why. Yeah, Eric broke my heart, and yeah, he was also probably cheating on me those last few months of our relationship, but the most hurtful thing about the way things ended was how out of left field it was. Up until the moment he dropped the break-up bomb on me, Eric was sweet and loving and gave no indication that he was having second thoughts about us. Being blindsided like that rocked me to the core, and even though I am only human, and I’m incredibly curious about what he has to say, I don’t see how I could ever trust him again.

Tell me what you think in the comments—should I even be giving Eric a chance? If you were me, would you?

From Cosmopolitan.com. Visit Amazon Beauty Ceneter here