A Letter to Myself on New Year's Eve 2003

Dear David of December 31, 2003,

You're about to enter your second semester of college. Just wanted to give you a heads-up about a few things.

That "texting thing" that you're acting too cool for? Soapboxing about how "if you wanna get in touch with me, just call me, ugh"? Texting isn't going anywhere. Get into the spirit.

There's a guy named Mark Zuckerberg running around on Harvard's campus right now. Do everything you can to become his best friend. Don't let any tall rowers know what you're doing.

Similarly, throughout college, make sure your inner-circle friend group includes a future lawyer, doctors (multiple specialists would be ideal), police officer, and Cobra Health Insurance provider.

Get on Twitter as soon you can. It will outlast Friendster, Meebo, and even MySpace. I know this sounds crazy to you, but it's true.

People are going to angrily yell at you for not watching Lost. Hold strong. It's not worth it.

You're going to get a job after college that pays you more than the sum of "rent + 14 cups of noodles" per week. I swear. You'll be able ride in taxis and go to dinner sometimes without feelingly cripplingly guilty. Spend what little money you currently have on stupid, fun shit. The $600 you're going to kill yourself saving over the next four years is not meaningful.

Happy New Year. Pick one fun party and stay there. Party-hopping leads to continual disappointment.

Sincerely,

David of December 31, 2013

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Photo Credit: Warner Bros.

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An Open Letter To Leydi Uced, The Future Mrs. Joran van der Sloot

Dear Leydi Figueroa Uced (soon to be known as Mrs. Joran van der Sloot),

So, you're marrying Joran van der Sloot.

Look — I'm familiar with bad decisions. Hell, they're my middle name! But marrying the "suspected" murderer of 19-year-old Natalee Holloway in Aruba (I mean, the guy "confessed to several different scenarios" of the crime and murdered a second woman after she found evidence of the Holloway crime on his computer) is not on par with eating an entire box of dry Frosted Flakes by accident or wearing white after Labor Day.

I'm not sure if you're aware of that. I don't mean to sound judgmental, but you're being kind of crazy by hitching your wagon to the star of a completely batsh*t sociopathic individual. I mean, the Dutch playboy is still in maximum security prison in Peru after pleading guilty to savagely murdering 21-year-old Stephany Flores.

I get the appeal of dating someone in prison. For instance: He's consistent, you can always find him, and he won't cheat on you with anyone who doesn't have a d*ck.

In high school, just for a laugh and a story, I wrote to a guy in for life, awaiting death row. He had beautiful cursive and made me illustrations and paintings of vaguely vaginal-looking flora. After a few months passed, I finally asked him what he was in for — it was for shooting his mother. Then he asked for a picture for me. We ceased correspondence shortly after. I still have the vagina flower paintings somewhere, though.

Anyway, my point is: Your fiancee (and the potential father of your maybe-child, which van der Sloot insinuated but hasn't been confirmed) has definitely killed one — most likely, two — women and extorted Beth Holloway to the tune of $250,000 for the location of her daughter's body. He's proven himself to be charming and manipulative, and if the whole "killer" thing doesn't bother you, there's also a good chance he's only marrying you to gain automatic Peruvian citizenship and lessen the chances of America extraditing him. You're just 22, and you have your whole life to, um, date murderers who actually love you!

Please: Be a friend to women and be a friend to yourself.

Best,
Anna

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Image via Getty

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