Your Inner Monologue During an Insane Workout DVD

-0:01. Okay, here we go. Taking the tag off my $120 Lululemon Spandex-And-Gold-Leaf Stretch Pants For Women Who Have Their Shit Together. This cannot possibly be that hard. Right?

0:00. Maybe I should go to Page 10 of the Google image search results for "30 Day Shred before/afters" for motivation. [Goes to Page 20] Okay, done. DVD is in. Cat is locked in bathroom.

0:02. There’s Jillian. Damn, she’s muscular. I don’t know if I want to be that muscular. I want to be toned but still look delicate and tiny and like I can take a bath in a thimble.

0:04. This isn’t awful. Arm-swinging. I feel kind of ridiculous, but no big deal.

0:06. Wait, that was just a warmup?

0:10. OH NO.

0:11. Hahahahah, pushups. My arms are basically twigs. Does she think I'm an extra in Full Metal Jacket or something? Okay, let me try the modified version. [tries] No.

I am so, so glad I am doing this by myself, without any fitter, hotter spectators to LOL heartily at me.

0:12. My knees hurt. How long has it been since I moved? Had fire been invented yet? Why aren’t we taking any breaks? Oh, she says it’s because we need to give it all we got. Jenna at work told me this wasn't that hard. But Jenna also humblebrags about missing the gym for one day and then feeling soooo fat after eating a huge salad. I'll tell you where to shove your salad, goddamn Jenna.

0:13. It really helps when Jillian talks about having the kind of body that will make your exes jealous. She should say that more, because for a few seconds afterwards I don’t want to sweat blood and die here on my floor.

0:14. Come on, think about that Bridget Jones' Diary montage where throws out all her self-help books and starts exercising. IIIIIII’M EVERY WOMAN, IT’S ALL IN MEEEEEE—

0:15. My thighs are burning like a flaming Viking death pyre. Somebody needs to invent an exercise where you just get a six-pack from watching My Cat From Hell and eating green curry chicken.

0:16. I feel nothing in my abs during the one-minute abs part. Am I normal?

0:17. Yeah! You’re right, Jillian! If they can do this on The Biggest Loser, so can I! I do deserve the body I want! I can get through three rounds of this workout!

0:18. Oh my God, the two girls behind you are sweating bullets. Even the one doing the modifiers. I am fucked.

0:19. I NEED A WATER BREAK BUT IF I TAKE A WATER BREAK I AM A FAILURE AND WON’T MAKE MY EX JEALOUS/BE ABLE TO LIFT HIM OVER MY HEAD AND THROW HIM AGAINST A WALL LIKE A WWF STAR, BRAYING MY VICTORY TO THE SKY LIKE A ROMAN WARRIOR.

0:20. If I have to stretch and strain every muscle in my body for one more second I am going to lose it. If I have to squat one more time I am going to call this off and move to a remote island nation where I never have to think about mountain-climbers again.

0:21. Cooldown. Oh, thank God. I made it. It’s over. Resist urge to skip the post-workout stretching and jump into a soothing shower immediately.

Do I have abs yet? Are there any more before/afters I missed on Google? Will I actually force myself to do this tomorrow?

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Photo Credit: Getty

From Cosmopolitan.com. Visit Amazon Beauty Ceneter here

How to Embrace Your Inner Diva

The word “diva” often conjures up an image of a bitchy, demanding woman who will throw a temper tantrum if her coffee isn’t heated to precisely 127 degrees.

But actress Sheryl Lee Ralph, who won a Tony Award for her role as Deena Jones in the original Broadway run of Dreamgirls, swears that being a diva is a good thing. So good, in fact, that she wrote a new book, Redefining Diva, about how we can all be bigger divas.

According to Sheryl, a diva is the woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go after it (sounds like a Cosmo girl to us!). She shared her top diva rules with us:

* You’re not a game; Don’t let him play you. "Value yourself enough to set the standards high and demand the affection you know you deserve from a man."

* Anytime you think “Is it too tight?” you’re right. "You have to dress for comfort—otherwise you’ll be fidgeting all night...and there’s nothing attractive about that."

* Empower other people. "Just as you need to build yourself up, you also need to help support and encourage others, too."

* Just because someone is great, doesn’t mean you’re not. "Jealousy never gets you anywhere—it will only hurt you."

* Never speak in anger. "Always take a deep breath, walk away from the moment, and come back when you can express yourself calmly."

Photo: Courtesy of Simon & Schuster

From Cosmopolitan.com. Visit Amazon Beauty Center here