Hooking up can be incredibly awkward for a variety of reasons. Yeah, you’re seeing a new person naked for the first time. And then there’s that whole ambiguous definition of a relationship. Are you exclusive? Are you a booty call? Should you be seeing other people? These aren’t easy topics to broach, which is why I’ve prepared this handy hookup spectrum so you know exactly where you fall, from one-night stand to basically dating. Think of it like a rainbow, except it’s awkward sexual encounters instead of visible light.
1. The Person You Should’ve Boned But Never Did
Admittedly, this one is a bit of an outlier. This is the hookup you never had but always wanted. Maybe you’ve come close a few times, like ships passing in the night or some other terrible metaphor. They’re hot, they get you all bothered, but the two of you never really got the chance. Maybe your drunken friend forced you to take her home from the party early. Maybe you lost his number. It’s basically reverse Serendipity with John Cusack and that chick.
2. The One-Night Stand
Pretty self-explanatory. This is one where you two got together and then just ghosted on each other. Maybe you don’t even know each other's names, and if you exchanged numbers, they're stored as “Boy with the Soft Sweater” and “Girl Who Won Pizza Eating Contest at Bar.” (On a personal note, any girl who won a pizza-eating contest is marriage material and should never be a one-night stand.) You will never see each other again. Maybe the person was a rebound or just really attractive with a terrible personality. This is a judgment-free zone.
3. The “Only–When-We’re-Super-Drunk” Hookup
This is the area of the spectrum where “booty calls” fall. Maybe you have a lot of mutual friends and fool around at parties, or maybe you get way too drunk one night and send a text on the cab ride home. Maybe the person is great at sex, but you’re super ashamed about being seen together. You haven't shared your hopes and dreams and aspirations, but you could draw each other's genitals from memory with frightening accuracy.
4. Cuddle Buddies
This is basically the “only when we’re super drunk” except stupider. The two of you spoon sometimes when you come over to watch movies. One of you needs to just make a move already. No one just cuddles. If someone is willing to cuddle with you, this person is definitely willing to make out with your face and/or private parts. I promise.
5. The “I’m-Not-Sure-if–I-Should-Buy-This-Person-Gifts” Hookup
You’ve hung out a few times, but a holiday or birthday is coming up and you’re not sure if things are serious enough to buy a gift. If it’s anything other than a birthday, the situation is compounded by the fear that you’ll buy a gift and he or she won’t reciprocate or vice versa. You try to cover all the bases by buying a gift but not offering it unless presented with one first. It might be something you kept for yourself and still use.
This is also true for invitations to weddings or parties: You’re not sure if you’re at the point where he or she can accompany you as a date, mostly because you don’t know how to introduce your hookup to other people.
6. The “We’re-Basically–Dating-But-We-Haven’t-Had-the-Talk” Hookup
This one usually happens because you’re dating, but enough time has gone by that it would be awkward to verbally confirm this fact with the other person. You mumble awkwardly and stumble over your own words when people ask you what your deal is. Once you hit this territory, you will never have the talk unless pressure from outside forces puts you into a corner. The talk will go something like this:
“Hey, so, my parents want to meet you and—"
“Oh, your parents?”
“Yeah, I told them about you, and—"
“You told them about me?”
“Yeah, I mean … we’re dating right?”
“Oh, well. Yeah. I thought we were. Unless you don’t want to date.”
“Oh, I totally do. Unless you don’t want to. It’s not like you have to meet my parents.”
“No, I do! I want to meet them. Unless you don’t want me to.”
This conversation can literally go on for hours. I have a rule of thumb: If you have had sexual contact 10 times or more and have gone out together in social situations, you are dating. Save yourself the trouble of having the stupidest three-hour conversation of your life.
