15 Completely Bizarre Moments From <i>The Bachelor</i>: Week 5

1. Exotic Destination Of The Week
To South Korea's relief, the harem headed to Vietnam.

2. Moment That Most Filled Me With Glee
Renee finally got the date card!
Also, Juan Pablo’s super-into Sharleen because she’s smart and “different from all the other girls.” He actually likes the good women! Which is nice. Too bad he’s a homophobe.

3. Most In Need Of A Xanax
The repeated pans to Andie’s worried face are tweaking me out.

Every time she doesn’t get another one on one, she frets annoyingly. It’s for the dogs! Also, imagine how Danielle feels! She hadn’t even gotten any airtime yet!

4. Most Likely To Pull The “Daughter” Card When It Suits Him Juan Pablo! If he can kiss My-Size Barbie Clare in a bamboo basket on a river in front of Camila, and everyone, and Vietnam, and God, he can kiss Renee at the end of a date like a goddamn grownup.

5. Cutest Kiss
Juan Pablo finally kisses Renee at the cocktail party when she’s in the middle of a sentence. So rom-com!

6. Contestant Whose Laugh Most Resembles An IRL Gchat Laugh
Clare. Hahahhahaha!

7. Most Likely To Inappropriately Say “I Love You” During Casual Sex
Clare. They definitely had sex in the ocean, right? “Went swimming” is henceforth a euphemism for full penetration? I wish Chris Harrison would tell me what sex is.

8. Moment It Became Clear That Juan Pablo Would Keep Being The Bachelor And Never Kick Anyone Off If He Didn't Have To.
That time he made out with Clare.
And then Sharleen.

And then Andi. Homeboy is NOT looking for love.

9. Weirdest Metaphors
Three-way tie. Sharleen: “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”

Sharleen. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/uYlNa0YUsq

— Madalyn Starkey (@Madloid55) February 4, 2014

Also, Clare [about having sex in the warm ocean with Juan Pablo]: “You know when a baby giraffe is born, and has those wobbly legs?”

And Nikki: “[I like Juan Pablo so much that] I feel like I just stuck my finger in a light socket.”

10. Scariest Date Since Skydiving With Chelsie
Juan Pablo and Nikki are going on a date into a hole.

I don’t care if it is THE ROMANCE HOLE, I would never in a million years do this. Nikki also isn’t psyched about it.
“It’s like falling in love,” she says as she hovers 50 feet above the cave floor, shitting herself. No. No it’s not.

11. Most Evasive Juan Pablo Moment
When he tells Nikki he’s tired from last night, and she asks if it was because he was up all night nervous and excited for Romance Hole. He laughs, awkwardly. Nope, it’s because he was, um, up all night with Clare. His penis. Was up. See what I did there?

12. Lowest Standards For A Date
Nikki is shocked and thrilled that Juan Pablo asks about her job. Um, that should be date one.

13. Most Egregious Slut-Shaming
Juan Pablo shows himself as a true douche lord this week for telling Clare that he regretted "what happened when they went swimming" (SEX) and said it wasn't fair to the other girls. "Then why did you do it? You could have said no," asks a tearful Clare. He replies that he didn't want to hurt her feelings. Oh, please. He wanted to have warm ocean sex.

14. That Time Danielle Finally Spoke
It was about Clare "looking upset." Exciting.

15. Best Out-Of-Context Bachelor Sound Bite Of All Time
"I'm still having a hard time with what happened in Vietnam." Me too, honey. Me too.

Eliminated: Alli, Kelly the "Dog Lover," and Danielle. RIP, ladies. You were pandas in a room full of brown bears.

Previously:
16 Insane Moments From The Bachelor: Week 4
13 Insane Moments From The Bachelor: Week 3
14 Insane Moments From The Bachelor: Week 2
11 Insane Moments From The Bachelor Premiere
The Bachelor: Countdown To Juan Pablo Recap

Follow Anna on Twitter.

Photo Credit: ABC

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16 Completely Bizarre Moments From <i>The Bachelor</i>: Week 4

1. Exotic Destination Of The Season
South Korea.

2. Where They Definitely Should Have Gone Instead
North Korea.

3. Most Blatantly Ign'ant
Clare, who shrieks: “Korea? I don’t even have a kimono!” I mean, they also wear normal clothing, but SHE LITERALLY DOES NOT HAVE A KIMONO YOU GUYS THOUGH. By that logic, no setting foot in America unless you have a pair of cowboy boots and seven Supersize fry orders glued to your chest.

4. Least Sexy Reason To Go Somewhere
They keep reiterating with glee that South Korea is “the home of 'Gangnam Style.'” Not a panty-dropper. (Goddamn, it feels great that I forgot how to spell that and had to look it up.)

5. Most Likely To Have Been That Popular Girl Who Laughed At You With Her Friends When You Ran Into Her At Delia*s While You Were With Your Mom

Kat “I’ve Been Dancing Since I Could Walk” Medical Supplier. While somewhat humanized by the story of her alcoholic father —

It's weird that Kat is telling her sad story in her sexy voice. #confused #thebachelor

— Ben Flajnik's Hair (@BachelorBenHair) January 28, 2014

— she’s still such a Regina George, isn’t she? Much to her surprise, all that Stepping Up 2: The Streets did not score her the rose.

6. Best Way Not To Embarrass Yourself By Having To Dance With A K-Pop Group In Public
Don’t go on The Bachelor. Nikki? Are you listening? Having a low humiliation threshold and going on this show is like trying to lose weight while you’re waitressing at a restaurant called Deep-Fried Donna’s House of Grease.

Oh, also: I definitely LOL'd at going all the way to Seoul, South Korea just to go to a mall.

7. Number Of Times 2ne1 Was Repeatedly Mentioned As A Very Famous K-Pop Group
One grillion, trillion times. We get it, I promise.

8. Most Likely To Spread A Rumor About You At Work And Then Bullshit-Apologize By Saying "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way"
Elise runs to Juan Pablo to spill all the drama among the women because apparently she’s a rat fink dickhead. Oh, also, she apparently slept with The Situation in the hopes of becoming a reality star, so, yep, good judgment all around.

9. Worst Way To Ingratiate Yourself To A Foreign Country
Sharleen and Juan Pablo walking around the Korean market, eat things, and being like, “EWWW, GROSS.” Juan Pablo’s group date in the second half of the episode, which basically take a cue from SNL's Kevin Cavanaugh-san and Rebecca Stern-Markowitz-san: “Let’s do all the things that we stereotypically think comprise the entirety of Asian culture!” K, cool.

10. Thought I've Often Had But With "Penis Joke Maker” Instead Of "Opera Singer"
Sharleen: “At the beginning of a relationship, I don’t want it to have anything to do with being an opera singer.” WE WANT TO BE LOVED FOR WHO WE ARE, NOT WHAT WE DO.

11. Most Unexpected (But Good, IMHO) Date Rose
Sharleen, who is an unorthodox contestant for the show because she’s awkward and self-aware and does not use a sickeningly-sweet baby voice to communicate with other adults, admits she doesn’t particularly like kids. Juan Pablo gives her the rose anyway. Meanwhile, back at the Seoul Manse, all the other girls backstab Sharleen and each other about how everyone but themselves would be be bad moms. Keep it classy, ladies.

12. Most Like Tiny Fish Eating Your Skin Off
Those tiny fish eating your skin off.

13. Biggest Slut-Shamer
When Clare is cringing about eating the octopus:

"Dog Lover" Kellie goes: And last week, if you recall, she called Clare a whore.

14. Most Likely To End Up Being Shitty When You Talk About It This Much Beforehand
Making out.

15. Most Bullshit Reason Not To Kiss Reneé
Juan Pablo institutes the Great Seoul Kissing Ban of 2013, after kissing six women on the show, because he wants to “set a good example for Camila.” COME ON, DUDE. While he turns Reneé down, of course later he kisses Clare, because she looks more like someone who would stand on a rotating platform in a bikini and sell cars it just “felt right” to him.

16. Most Relatable Humiliation

This one’s gonna have to go to Lauren, who cried after she aggressively went for a kiss with Juan Pablo and he gently turned her down.

As Juan Pablo helplessly tries to comfort embarrassed Lauren: "Oh, that is a sad hug, y'all. My heart is breaking from that hug," simpers Dog Lover Kellie. Don't be so condescending, you might sprain something.

Eliminated this week...
Rat fink Elise:

And Lauren, who has some new baggage to bring home to her therapist. :(

Previously:
13 Insane Moments From The Bachelor: Week 3
14 Insane Moments From The Bachelor: Week 2
11 Insane Moments From The Bachelor Premiere
The Bachelor: Countdown To Juan Pablo Recap

Follow Anna on Twitter.

Photo Credit: ABC

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Here's Another Bizarre Celebrity Baby Name to Roll Your Eyes Over

Kate Winslet hath named her son "Bear," Us Weekly reports. (RAWR!) And thus he joins the ranks of storied celebrity offspring named for colors, food, Biblical figures, inanimate objects, and compass directions.

Once again: BEAR!

Follow Amy on Twitter.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

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The Bizarre and Devious Tricks Men Use to Pick Up Women

How much would you pay for three hours of private tutelage with Justin Wayne, Dating Coach?

Oh, you thought that Bikram Zumba Cycle instructor worked you hard? That’s child’s play!

You paid for three hours, and you’re not leaving until you’re having sex with a stranger on top of the heirloom tomato cart at the local farmer's market.

I'm only kinda kidding.

Justin Wayne (not his real name) grew up in the Caribbean, where the community was so small you couldn't hit on women without earning a reputation. He moved to New York, where you can act like a homeless guy one day and put on a business suit the next day, and no one will know (his analogy). He started sleeping with hundreds of women, including a few unnamed celebrities, and people started asking for advice. It quickly turned into a flourishing business that now charges upwards of $1000 for a few hours of coaching. 

He says many of his clients are in their twenties and thirties, that a lot of them are perfectly cool dudes who, for whatever reason, just aren't having the success that they would like. Justin says he differentiates himself because many of his clients are guys who have dated and slept with 9s and 10s (again, his words) but are looking to become more consistent in their approach of women.

So, if you pay $1,000+ for a session with Justin, what do you get? Justin will take you to a public place (like, yes, the local farmer's market), where he will not let you even begin the coaching session until you have completed at least five “warm-ups.” “Warm-ups” is Justin’s term for interactions with a female stranger that aren’t intended to culminate in a “result.” (Terminology often begets more terminology, I quickly found out.) A “result” can be anything from a phone number to a kiss to simply a pleasant conversation.

After warm-ups, you’ll move onto “Escalation Drills,” or interactions with a female that include flirting, which manifests itself in some form of touching.

I met Justin’s client for the day, whom we’ll call Alec. Alec just went through a tough break-up, so to help him get through his funk, he shelled out “over a thousand dollars.”

In my head, I actually envisioned it went for $1,001, as if some loser named Billy bid a cool thou for Justin’s services on The Price is Right, and then Alec swooped in, and was all, “Eff that! I’m using the PIR Asshole Strategy!”

Anyway, Alec is a cool dude. When he met me, he said, “Hey, what’s up, man, I’m Alec.” He had that cool hair where it’s sort of a Mohawk but kind of isn’t. He did not seem socially inept by any standard.

So why did this perfectly ept dude need to pay someone to help him meet ladies?

The session started, and I had my answer soon enough.

Justin told Alec to begin his warm-ups, and Alec’s face contorted into a terrified expression I hadn’t seen since Patrick Wilson in The Conjuring.

OK, I only saw the trailer. That movie looked terrifying.

But Mr. Wilson himself would have commended Alec for his brilliant portrayal of a guy who was clearly about to have a nervous breakdown. Anyone within 100 feet could sense that this guy wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole filled comfort food, pornography (this hole has great wi-fi), and a signed affidavit claiming he’d never have to do this exercise again.

As a reminder: the goal of the exercise was to say “Hello” to someone.

Justin took mercy on Alec and joined him. Holy crap he was good at this. One particularly effective opening line he used was: “Excuse me, do you know where I can get a really fresh fruit juice around here? Like, really fresh?”

The woman paused to think about it. If Justin were a burglar, that tiny pause was her doggie door. Just enough room to squeeze in and start chatting her up.

I couldn’t believe what I was watching. This is New York City. You can’t make it from 42nd Street to 42nd-and-a-half Street without being asked “Wanna see a comedy show?” two hundred times. People never stop and talk to someone.

Woman after woman. Doggie door after doggie door.

Justin then demonstrated another daring tactic: complimenting a woman’s scarf. Revolutionary? Not on its own. But try it on a woman who isn’t wearing a scarf.

Is that idiotic? Is it borderline genius? I don’t know, but goddammit it worked.

“What? I’m not even wearing a scarf!” Boom. Two-second window. Bow wow.

Justin and his team have spent years tracking the stats on every single move in order to determine which one(s) will lead to the greatest success rates.

Success for a man, per Justin Wayne, means sex.

“The only thing that moves the world is science,” Justin mused. “Sure, there’s love, but from a physical view, it’s science. Statistics.”

The most successful physical move he showed me was the “Stop-Point.” You tap a woman on the shoulder while pointing in the opposite direction. She is infinitely more likely pause and look where you’re pointing.

“It doesn’t even matter what you say — you’ve got her attention,” Justin said of the Stop Point. “Then you can be like, ‘Hey, you look like you’ve got an artsy vibe…’”

It’s so simple! Yet it feels a bit devious and manipulative.

“I am morally neutral,” Justin explained. “As long as the guy is not lying about who he really is.”

It’s good advice that Justin himself follows very closely. He’s like the Heisenberg of dating — he plays by his own rules and he’s got a dope pseudonym.

After Justin showed Alec these seemingly simple moves, it was the student’s turn to get behind the wheel. The word “yikes” came to mind several times.

It was like watching the football team put on blonde wigs and skirts to cheer at the Powderpuff Game. Technically, they are doing cheerleader moves, but it’s a fumbling mess and no one feels good about themselves while bearing witness to it.

One of Justin’s top assistant coaches, Bruce, took over Alec’s lesson. All coaches for Justin Wayne Dating are given their own Wayne family coaching pseudonyms, making this guy Bruce Wayne. Sadly, he was not wearing head to toe black leather.

Once Justin and I were alone (ooh-la-la), he explained his philosophies on dating: a woman is judged about 70% on her looks, and 30% on her personality/intangibles; men are judged via a 70-30 split the other way.

“Equal attracts equal,” he told me. “But women want to date someone from their tribe. A girl would prefer to date a 6 or a 7 from her social circle over a 10 from the street.”

That’s why so many of his coaching sessions are “Stranger Approach.” According to Justin’s data, it’s ten times more difficult than approaching a woman who is already in your social circle.

Kenyan marathoners train at altitude. Serious daters hit on strangers.

Conspiracy theory alert!

Justin and I curtailed our chat in order to check in on Alec. I started to suspect that Alec was a very convincing actor, hired to demonstrate the efficacy of the program.

A lost deer in the forest of New York a mere 30 minutes ago, Alec was suavely chatting up a very attractive female. Way to go, Alec! (And way to go, Talent Agency That Secretly Cast Alec!)

“Well,” he hedged after the woman walked away, “I only got her email address. I’m actually deleting it right now.”

Ummm. What?

“That’s a baller move, deleting it,” Bruce affirmed. “Emails don’t fucking matter.”

He says this with such authority that I’m inclined to believe him. Statistics can be a bitch.

David Ingber is a writer living in New York. Read about his previous experience undergoing dating coaching here.

Photo Credit: Independent Pictures

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