Britney Spears Had A "Sh*tty Day," Because Cheaters Are The Worst

A video of Britney's (former) boyfriend David Lucado making out with another woman was briefly "being shopped around" yesterday, TMZ reports. But then Britney's dad Jamie bought it, paying a "substantial amount" to keep anyone from seeing the footage. Well, just about anyone — he did show poor BritBrit, who promptly broke up with Lucado:

She also shot an adorable sadface Instagram video — it's real, unfiltered Britney footage and that's always a treat, even when the subject matter is difficult. A warning to serious Britney fans, she does get a little teary at the end and it's kind hard to handle:

Let's all get together and sing "Stronger." Act out the chair dance too, please <3 <3. In the best case scenario, the break-up (and indeed, every Britney breakup) played out just like the song's sassy music video.

Forever acting as a conservator should, Jamie's representatives explained to TMZ that "he took the action to protect his daughter from David and from the embarrassment of the video going public," even though of course by giving a comment, he's actually only blowing the whole cheating scandal up further.

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I Went To A Male Model Underwear Show Fitting Because My Job Sucks

It has been my consistent experience that there's a correlation between the hotness of a guy you happen to see that day and how disgusting you look.

Cute guy on the train : Your hair looks greasy.

Really hot guy in an elevator : You have day-old mascara flakes around your eyes and nobody told you.

Chris Hemsworth sighting on 8th Avenue : OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?! It must have crawled out from the bottom of the ocean and then raided the J.Crew sale section!

Once again, my theory is proven in spades — the day I was invited to the model fitting for this year's line of the men's underwear brand 2(X)IST, I was two days unshowered, wearing a dress that fit me like a potato sack, and looked like Seabiscuit. They looked like this.

Model #1, who is currently single, only dates about fifteen percent female models, and the rest "normal" (Muggle) women. Does he drop the "male model" line on girls? He shook his head. "I tell them I'm in the advertising business."

Excessive body hair is considered "unclean" in the male modeling world, although 2(X)1ST's casting director says that they search for men who look body-confident and healthy. He once worked on a major campaign for a brand that actually trimmed his leg hair and happy trail. (I am not allowed to tell you which one.)

Fun fact: As it turns out, they do all live in model apartments together when they're just starting their careers.

Does stuff ever fall out of your underwear on the runway? You know, like, stuff? He grinned. "Sometimes people on the shoot are like, 'Pop your balls back in.'"

Model #2 was from Australia and sassy. (It felt too obvious to use the adjective "cocky.") He came off like one of those rakish romantic comedy guys who makes Katherine Heigl take her Professional Woman bun down.

So do you mostly date models? He admitted that there are a lot of models in his group of friends, so it's a likelihood. Then he adds, charitably: "There are a lot of hot birds who aren't models."

In fact, he says, the last girl he dated was just a part-time model and VIP hostess. Oh, so you were slumming it, then. "No!" he said indignantly.

So are you single now? "Yes. Tell them at Cosmo."

It was around this time that I looked down and noticed that I had accidentally drawn on my hand.

I hit it off with Model #3 immediately, and we are married now. JK, he did not speak English and probably had no idea why I was there. ("Who is that ferret woman taking creeper shots in the corner? Whatevs, thinking will make me uglier.")

By the time Model #4 came around, I had given up on the questions, simply sat back and enjoyed being a Dicktip Inspector.

I only caught the last hour of the fitting, and these are less than half of the models walking in the show. Stay tuned for my coverage of the 2(X)IST fashion show on October 10th, which will probably consist of two lines about the show and 1,000 words about unsuccessfully trying to trick one of them into having sex with me. YOLOLOLOLOLOL.

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Every Time You Say “I Have More Guy Friends Because I Hate Drama,” My Vagina Dies

So you are blithely going about your business, drinking a warm can of PBR at a party and trying to avoid talking to a guy who keeps staring at your ass, and all of a sudden you hear some girl nearby saying That Thing. You know. THAT thing.

“I have a lot more guy friends because I hate drama."

Oh my sweet Christ on a cracker. This expression sends me straight to the old-school Victorian insane asylum. And here’s why. First of all, like the unspoken truth behind Real Housewife confessionals, if a woman is complaining about how much she hates all the drama between her and All Other Women, she is most likely the cause of it. Anybody who has employed the above phrase should be rushed to the hospital for their acute Teresa Giudice Disorder.

Secondly, that whole "supporting each other and sticking up for your own kind" thing — you know, just being a cool, girl-friendly girl on a basic level — is awesome. Getting a tight-knit group of female friends is the smartest thing I've ever done in my adult life, and I'd be lost without them. In a group of girls, you don't feel the social element of "tokenism" (which the above kinds of girls thrive on), and you don't have to whip out the artifice and posturing that many women feel they need around men. (And men around women, for that matter.) Female friends are also essential if you have a weird/dark sense of humor about being a girl. Jokes about potentially being barren don’t go over well with men. Believe me, I’ve tried. The hilarious woes of being female are not a laugh riot to them.

A Brief History of Women In My Life Who Have Said "I Have a Lot More Guy Friends Because I Hate Drama.".

Woman A: Gave a handjob to her self-proclaimed best friend’s boyfriend during a New Years Eve party under the covers on a futon in the basement while the rest of us (including the best friend) were asleep three inches away from them.

Woman B: Began a relationship with my office crush and avoided telling me so that she did not “hurt my feelings.” Instead, would pull my best friend at work aside so that I couldn’t hear, exclude me from plans on purpose, continue to tell literally every single person at work how sad and jealous I would be if I found out. Went on for months. When I finally found out, I was mostly relieved that my best friend from work wasn’t mad at me for some reason.

She also used to ask all the guys in the office to feel her new bra.

Are you noticing the pattern here?

Women who say this mean “I have a lot more guy friends because guys like me because I’m hot but also super-chill. Like a bro with perfect bone structure and limpid bedroom eyes. My perfect North American cantaloupe breasts and I have much difficulty sustaining healthy relationships with women.”

Even if the above is true, I am here to inform you that in addition to the above qualities, you are literally Voldemort. Every time I encounter you, I feel like running to the fictional Department of Womanity (Amy Poehler, acting president) and ratting you out for being a big stinking traitor.

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Image via MTV

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12 Kinky Quickies (Just Because!)

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Now There's An Insert To Enhance Lap Dances For Men Because The Patriarchy

Three dudes are about to hit the strip club. "Aren't you forgetting something?" asks one. "Oh, yeah!" says another. "Liquid Lapdance!" "What's Liquid Lapdance?" asks the third guy. "You're an idiot, Kyle," says the first one. "Kill yourself." Then they high-five.

The cutting-edge field of Today's Stripping Technology continues to baffle: Jezebel has unearthed brand-new special inserts a dude can put under his jeans when he's getting a lap dance to prevent chafing and allow his boner to be more free, as free as the wind, as liberated as the woman's movement in the 1960s.

As their copy puts it, the product is a "soft, latex extension in front to caress and stimulate the male anatomy [and] provide you with the space to get fully-erect. Most underwear is not designed to be worn when you're rock hard. Ours is. Expand in comfort." Science!

As if this wasn't enough of a boon, the secondary purpose of the gadget is to "moisturize and lubricate" a guy's penis during a lapdance and even catch the semen produced when/if he ejaculates, all of which is described by Liquid Lapdance's website but is completely not explained by the, um, video. (Which is actually softcore porn, but hey, tomato, tomah-to.)

Do guys (who ostensibly are over the age of, like, 14) actually come during lap dances? The only guy I know who's been to a strip club basically just chatted with the stripper awkwardly and then got really depressed when they discovered they'd gone to the same college.

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Image via http://liquidlapdance.com

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Study: There's a Wage Gap Because Women Choose Low-Paying Jobs

Okay, help us out here. We’re not sure if this is good news or just another BS attempt from anti-Lean In-ers to convince us ladies that we are on the same professional playing field as our lovely male counterparts. A new survey from PayScale (via The Atlantic) insists that the ol’ “women make 77 cents for every dollar a man makes” proclamation—a defense that we clutch onto and spew out whenever a misogynistic d-bag laughs at our jobs (no, just me?)—is utterly untrue.

Sure, there’s a wage gap when you look at salaries across the board, the peeps behind the survey say, but when you compare salaries between men and women with equal levels of education and experience, same responsibilities, similar company size, and other constraints, the ratio diminishes so drastically, it’s barely existent. So…WTH is really happening?

This research claims that the real issue isn’t that women are simply paid less, it’s that women work in careers that pay less overall, like health care versus engineering. In fact, nine of the 10 highest-paying jobs on PayScale’s list were held mostly by men, while nine of the 10 lowest-paying jobs were majority female. I guess that explains why you never hear a guy say, “Oh, I’m just going to marry a rich girl.” Sigh. This being said, we think there's more contributing to the gender gap than just women choosing lower-paying gigs. Like gender discrimination, hi?

The good news? With women earning more bachelor’s degrees these days and the recent push toward STEM careers, things could—and hopefully will—change. P.S. If you’re still grazing the great abyss trying to figure out your future, become a dental hygienist: According to the survey, it pays to be a lady.

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Breast Sex: Because Your Girls Have Needs, Too

Spice Girl
Dab a little cinnamon leaf oil (or cinnamon oil mixed with a couple drops of olive oil) onto your nipples and then ask your man to blow on them for a pleasurable tingly feeling.

Wet & Wild
While your man is watching, stroke yourself south of the border and then massage your own natural lubrication onto your bare breasts.

Going Grey
Nipple clamps are one of the kinkiest sex toys out there. Not only do they look wickedly erotic, they also render your nips ultra sensitive, so even the slightest touch feels intense. That, in turns, causes you to react extra passionately to whatever he does, making him feel like a sex superstar. Everybody wins!

Play Dress Up
Not really into the whole S&M thing? Pasties are a slightly tamer way to sex up your rack. There are a ton of hot options out there, like these sexy twinsets. 

Dessert Time
Put a dollop of whipped cream on one of the girls, and caramel sauce on the other. Have him lick them in succession to get the full taste sensation. (Another yummy combo to try: chocolate sauce and Kahlua.)

Hot Shot
Have him gently massage your girls with lube or lotion, and then slide his penis back and forth between them. (You can push your breasts together to create a tighter fit.)

Cups Runneth Over
Leave your bra on during girl-on-top sex. At a particularly intense moment, pull down the fabric to expose your cleavage. They'll pouf up and spill over the underwire support.

Breast. Massage. Ever.
Treat him to a rubdown…using your nipples. Because they contain genital corpuscles, touching him with your breasts will get you both hot (you'll feel the sensations reverberating in your honeypot). Start by caressing his lips with your breast tips, and allow him to lick you. Next, move south and press your headlights into his, circling them around. Then glide them all over his body, paying special attention to nerve-rich crevices: the hollow of his neck, his naval, the crease between his thighs and pelvis, between his toes, his backdoor, etc.

Ice, Ice Baby
Have him put a few ice chips in his mouth and then suck on your breasts. The temperature tease of hot tongue plus the cold ice makes your twins ultra sensitive, and triggers your nipples to hyperextend—a crazy-sexy visual.

Good Vibrations
Glide a bullet-style vibrator over your breasts while he watches.

Honey, Honey
Drizzle honey from your breasts to your belly button. Then blindfold him and dare him to find him the sweet treat using only his tongue.

Show Time
In cowgirl position, play with your breasts (or have him fondle them) to amplify the sensations you feel there while also giving him an eyeful. A few techniques to try: Pinch your nipples and roll them between your fingertips. Use the pad of your finger to rotate them in circles. Rapidly tweak and release them. Lift and squeeze each breast, and then push them together. Lean forward to dangle them over his chest, increasing blood flow to your nipples. Rub them in his face, and let him taste a nipple. 

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Facepalm: Women Are Being Sexually Harassed at Work Because They're Feminists

April 24, 2013 at 3:10PM By Anna Breslaw | Although self-proclaimed feminists like Amy Poehler, the meteoric rise of Lena Dunham as well as books like Caitlin Moran's How To Be a Woman have gone a long way to change the dialogue about feminism (e.g. feminism and "Feminazis" aren't the same thing, if you're a woman who votes, you're inherently a feminist, etc.). Unfortunately, the word still has an intensely negative, intimidating connotation for, say, that creep Vlad from the marketing team who has entire conversations with your tits at the office party. In other words: Ass clowns at work.

A new study in Psychology of Women Quarterly, reprinted by Buzzfeed, cites that women who self-identify as feminist activists face more sexual harassment in the workplace. (Note: Not feminist identity, but activists, which the study defines as "a variable measured by how many items participants checked on a list of potential "activist" activities, like signing a petition, donating money to a feminist cause, or writing a letter to a member of Congress." Feminist identity, meanwhile, is associating yourself with the values of female equality and feminism without taking this sort of next step.) This constitutes over 58% of women.

The study's authors attribute two possible reasons for this link between workplace harassment and feminism: For one thing, men are more inclined to be threatened by feminists who are attempting to put a dent in the workplace patriarchy, and subsequently feel the impulse to somehow tear them down. And secondly, feminists are more likely to report such incidents to upper-management, as well as more likely to correctly identify these incidents as "sexual harassment" in the first place, rather than just some Good Clean Office Fun that makes you silently uncomfortable.

But whether a working woman identifies as a feminist activist or just has a feminist identity, any association she has with feminism corresponds with a "greater decrease in job satisfaction, and a higher rate of intended turnover, than those women who did not."

In short, it's kinda hard to lean in when you feel like someone's going to slap your a*s from behind.

Follow Anna on Twitter: @annabreslaw

Image via iStockphoto

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How To Recycle Last Night's Makeup Look (Because We Know You're Not Washing Your Face Every Night)

Listen, we've all been there. You're dead tired, kind of tipsy, and just got home from hanging with the hottie you met at the gym. The last thing you want to do is wash your face, let alone wipe off your eye makeup. So, what do you do? Face plant into your pillow, that's what. No judgements, don't worry.

Here's the thing, while we don't recommend making this a habit, it happens. But, here's the beauty in it all: The next morning after you wash your face and your eye liner is sort of in tact, we say go ahead and rock last night's liner again.

So, if you're planning on leaving your eye liner on for round two, let us at least tell you how to touch it up and make it look freshly applied.

All you need is a cotton swab dipped in some petroleum jelly, or a cotton swab filled with makeup remover to clean up your eye makeup mess. The latter is a genius invention that we wish we would have created, but since we didn't, we'll just use the hell out of them instead. Jane Iredale Dot the i Makeup Remover Swabs, $23, janeiredale.com, and Almay Makeup Eraser Sticks, $6, drugstore.com, both make these little magic wands that you break the top cotton swab off of and watch the removing solution drain into the bottom cotton swab. Voilà, it's ready to use.

Once you gently wipe away any smudges that may have occured while you were tossing and turning (sayonara, scary raccoon eyes!), grab your eye liner of choice and trace the line that's still vaguely there to refresh your look.

Like we said, we don't suggest that you continue wearing Monday's eye liner through Sunday, but it's okay to do one or two nights in a row. We won't tell.

Do you recycle your eye liner look?

Photo: Getty Images/iStockphoto

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