1. "I can't believe we've never hung out! I've always loved you so much from afar." You and Amanda are bonding, kind of. It's great that she's really focusing on her English major too and also is just really ready to just grow up already, just like you. But also you remember that you and Amanda never hung out soberly after every single other time you drunk bonded. A drunk night with Amanda it is!
2. "Let's go to da club, I love da club." Literally there is nothing worse than da club. But sure, let's go to da club and drink iced-down vodka sodas with a splash of cranberry juice and yell at each other to dance in a circle to avoid creepers! "Da couch," you think mournfully as you leave your apartment with Amanda and your 11 BFFs, "I love da couch."
3. "OMG, no, I am having the best time. I am so glad we decided to go out, because this is so fun. THIS IS SO FUN!" You drink your disgusting drink really fast because it's really disgusting but also because you cannot handle being in da club. "Guys! This is totally the funnest, but how much longer do you think we're gonna stay here?" you ask while half-heartedly Wobble-ing. You still miss da couch.
4. "You should totally make out with him, he's super cute." The Fireball shots are probably clouding Amanda's judgment, but he's maybe kinda cute in a "I reallyreallyreally wanted to make out with a tall man tonight" way? You give up. Friends don't cock-block drunk friends on a makeout mission. Proceed, Amanda.
5. "I am just done with men forever." You know what? You and Amanda are done with dudes. Seriously! Just, like, done. Except maybe not Michael. Michael actually was super cute and really nice, and also he's been texting you. OK, fine, done with all boys except maybe Michael. And Brad, maybe. You'll see.
6. "Ugh, I wish I were in a relationship. You and your boyfriend are amaaazing." Guess what lucky guy is waiting for you when you get home? His name is Pizza and he's fucking delicious, and Alana's boyfriend is a troll who still doesn't know your name even though you've met seven times. "I know it's just because I haven't found the right person for me yet, but how do you guys do it?!" You don't actually care. Mmm, pizza.
7. "You should just enjoy your singleness. I wish I were single like you." You and Alana both know these words are a lie as they are leaving her mouth, because you both know she is totally obsessed with her boyfriend and it's astonishing that she came out tonight at all. "I totally get what you're saying about wanting a boyfriend, but you should just enjoy being on your own," she says. Bye, Alana.
8. "I love you so, so much. We will literally always be friends." You cling to Amanda in the sticky third bathroom stall of O'Reilly's, imagining your life after college. Remember how you never speak to Amanda when you're sober? You know very well this fact presents a major problem in your BFF proposition. Oh well, that's a problem for Future You to deal with.
9. "I'm not that drunk!!! I'm really not that drunk." You just stumbled because you tripped over your shoe that you took off, you can totally stand up. In fact, you're so awake because of your six Sex on the Beaches. "It's like I've surpassed my drunk, you know? I'm so drunk that I'm basically sober. Seriously, Amanda, leave me alone. I'm fine."
10." I just want to go home and pass out, you know?" What you actually want to do is go sneak off to hook up with Michael, who you've secretly been texting all night. Or he can come find you, dammit. Or you can go find pizza. Pizza <3.
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