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$(document).ready(function(){if(typeof contentModel !='undefined'){HDM.devStory.init(contentModel);}}); I Put Scrunchies on My Boyfriend's Penis $(document).ready(function () { var authorInfo = $('.author-info'); var theAuthor = "KristaMcHarden"; var allAuthors = []; var i = 0; allAuthors[i++] = { name: "Michelle Ruiz", url: "/cm/cosmopolitan/images/GB/michelle-ruiz-small_new.jpeg" }; allAuthors[i++] = { name: "Carly Cardellino", url: "/cm/cosmopolitan/images/F7/Carly-cardellino-stSLbS-120.jpg" }; allAuthors[i++] = { name: "Dara Adeeyo", url: "/cm/cosmopolitan/images/Tx/dara-adeeyo-small_new.jpeg" }; allAuthors[i++] = { name: "Molly Triffin", url: "/cm/cosmopolitan/images/v4/molly-triffin-small_new.jpg" }; allAuthors[i++] = { name: "Cosmo", url: "/cm/cosmopolitan/images/9q/cosmo-N1xHDf-author-small_new.jpg" }; allAuthors[i++] = { name: "Rose Surnow", url: "/cm/cosmopolitan/images/iJ/rose-surnow-iFDXTD-120.jpg" }; allAuthors[i++] = { name: "Anna Breslaw", url: "/cm/cosmopolitan/images/uA/anna-breslaw-AyYgPj-120.jpg" }; allAuthors[i++] = { name: "Elisa Benson", url: "/cm/cosmopolitan/images/9M/elisa-benson-small_new.jpeg" }; allAuthors[i++] = { name: "Natasha Burton", url: "/cm/cosmopolitan/images/5c/COS-01-smn4.jpg" }; allAuthors[i++] = { name: "Abby Gardner", url: "/cm/cosmopolitan/images/WG/abby-gardner-small_new.jpg" }; $(allAuthors).each(function () { if (this.name.replace(/ /g, '') == theAuthor) { authorInfo.prepend(''); $('.author-img').css({'background-image': 'url(' + this.url + ')'}); return false; } }); if ($('.author-info h3, .author-img').length) { authorInfo.css({'margin-bottom': '35px'}); } }); Krista McHarden Sex Advice
March 4, 2014
Share 0 Tweet 0 Pin 0 In 0 Comments // @param string url The location of the window. // @param string q Additional query string parameters to URI encode. // function socialopen(url, q) { var width = 500; var height = 400; var wwidth = $(window).width(); var left = (wwidth - width) / 2; var opts = 'width=' + width + ',height=' + height + ',left=' + left; if (typeof q !== 'undefined') { for (param in q) { url += '&' + param + '=' + encodeURIComponent(q[param]); } } window.open(url, '', opts); }I am no stranger to Cosmo's sometimes mind-blowing, sometimes terrifying, often both, sex tips. I ate a doughnut on my boyfriend's penis, for fuck's sake. I'm game to put pretty much anything in or on me and/or in or on my boyfriend. We are an adventurous duo, my friends.
So when my editor sent me the infamous scrunchie tip, my body was READY, and my brain was ALMOST READY. I mean, nine times out of ten, Cosmo is correct when it comes to boning, and so I was willing to put myself in its (her?) pervy hands.
The sex tip: "If you've kept up with your Cosmo sex tips, you may remember reading that a scrunchie can be used on a man's member to help him maintain an erection. Now we're upping the ante and taking that technique in a new direction. Start by stacking six scrunchies on top of each other over his package. Then remove them one by one using your lips and tongue. As each piece is removed, it releases a little bit of pressure in his penis, which will make his orgasm more intense when it happens. Plus, the movement of the fabric will feel wild on his skin."
So yeah, that's basically two sex tips. We've got the one where you put a scrunchie around your man's dong so that he has an erection forever and maybe goes to the ER, and the one where you stack six (yes, SIX) scrunchies around your man's dong so he has to go to the ER even sooner. I decided to try both and let's just pray I have a boyfriend tomorrow!
The Location: This enormous chair we call megachair because it's basically the size of a couch and therefore perfect for doing it.
The Music: Patsy Cline because this ish is crazy.
The Mood: Gonna be honest: TERRIFIED.
The Act: First, I had to procure some scrunchies. This is not because I'm too cool to own scrunchies, this is because I wouldn't want to use a scrunchie once it had been on my boyfriend's penis. NO OFFENSE, BOYFRIEND'S PENIS. (Some offense.) I went to Walgreens and bought a pack of multicolored, fabric-covered hair elastics and resisted telling the cashier what I was using them for. In fact, I was feeling a little weird about it so I made sure to tell the checkout guy that I was buying these scrunchies for the specific purpose of putting them in my hair. On my head. I couldn't be clear enough.
When I got home, my boyfriend and I reclined onto megachair and I pulled out the scrunchies. DUN DUN DUN. I swear his erection made an instant retreat when he saw them. I slid one on (the red one; if I was going to do this, I was going to do this in correct ROY G BIV order) and he said it didn't feel like much. Then I doubled that shit up like I was doing a middle school-style high pony tail and he winced in pain. I felt bad that there was no in-between pressure but if we were gonna choose from no sensation to slight pain, pain it was. I commenced with the scrunchie hand job, all while he whimpered in pain and I felt like I was giving a handie to some weirdo who wears scrunchies on his dick. I asked him if he was enjoying it and the answer was a resounding no. MY RESPONSE? OK! MORE SCRUNCHIES, THEN! I'm the worst.
The BF was not pleased as I slid the scrunchies on in rainbow order. It was pretty, but apparently also pretty painful. I felt like I was playing dress up with a malformed Ken doll, so I kinda enjoyed it. Then, because I was supposed to have some fun with the scrunchies with my hand and mouth, I just slid them back off again and was like "uh, what's next?" so I repeated the entire procedure. At this point, we were just straight up laughing. As I pulled the orange one off a second time, my boyfriend yelped in pain. I'd gotten a hair. With that, he screamed, "Get them off! Get them off!" and the rest of our sexy scrunchie sex romp was just me trying to remove the offensive hair ties as gently as possible while he held his breath. SO SEXY.
The Verdict: Total bust; we didn't even do it. This sex tip led to no sex; GOOD JOB, SEX TIP. We just ordered a half-ton of Chinese delivery food and watched Ghostbusters and then went to bed at a sensible hour.
Yes, this particular sex tip is a failure but that doesn't mean that I won't approach my next Cosmo sex tip with aplomb. These wacky broads rarely let me down, and so I'm ready to take it next level next time. Just no more scrunchies, OK? (In fact, I'm burning the ones I currently own. I can't even look at you, scrunchies!)
Photo credit: Getty Images
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